End of the Year Wrap Up

So what do I have to say about 2010...personally it was a pretty good year for the most part. Every year seems to start a bit shaky for me and then level itself out and then toward the end of the year...more b.s. Maybe it's just the holidays. Who knows. I've learned alot about myself and even more about the people who have been around me. Some who WERE a part of my circle I guess you could say, some who ARE now in the circle, and some who just didn't make the cut. I've grown and changed alot in these 356 days. I've opened up more to the people close to me. I've done things I needed to do and wanted to do but made excuses for not doing them or just never had the motivation to do it. I've had alot of fun times in 2010. I can definitely say that. But with the good there is always some bad....for the new friendships and relationships came the dismissed friendships and relationship. There were stressful times that I never thought I'd get over. There was my accident in August in which I thought my car was totaled which would've been more drama that I needed at that time. Thankfully it wasn't..just $5000+ in damage. *sigh* But hey, that's what insurance is for. I seen people close to me lose their lives at a time most deem too soon. My cousin was almost one of them but thankfully God spared her and she is recovering at lightning speed. She's still here and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful for that or my own waking up to see another day.

Not only did 2010 provide me plenty of answers to things, but it also added to my confusion about certain other things. Just when I think I have it all figured out, something new rears it little head. Intuition kicks in. Curiosity springs up. More questions....less answers. I just go with the flow...that's all I can do. What's going to be will be. One thing I do not do...is dwell on things. No longer will I stress over the impossible, the unimaginable, the unthinkable, or the unknown. People are going to do what they want to do, when they want to do them. It would definitely be nice to have a clear answer and understanding to others motives and what they want....but sometimes it just doesn't happen like that. But hey...what can you do??? I'm going to do the only thing I can do... LIVE TOYA'S LIFE!!! Nobody else can...

I'm thinking 2011 will be a good one. No scratch that....I'm CLAIMING a good year in 2011. More fun..more family time...and most importantly..more doing things for me, myself, and I. I have neglected myself long enough to do for others. I'll still help those that I can when I can, but I have to do more looking out for me. I deserve it. I can always depend on me!

Happy Thanksgiving.....

First off I must say....d#@! those holiday texts sure are annoying. It used to be okay when I only got like 4 or 5. But now that I get about 20+ and my battery is already looking sad...I no longer get all hype about them. I don't respond anymore...sorry fam and friends. I'm not ignoring you or being an *itch*, I just get sick of replying to each and every one of you saying the same thing.

Secondly, I am thankful for all that I have and have had in my life. Not to mention what is yet to come. I am not only thankful today, but every day that I wake up on God's green Earth. I guess today is just the day we give it that special attention. I'd be here all day if I had to break down all that I am thankful for...being alive, a job, family, great friends, .... (not in that order). This has been a fairly good year for me. I am happy for that because last year had some serious moments. Don't get me wrong, there has been some hectic and trying times this year but on the whole I'd say 2010 has been pretty good for me. I've been traveling, been more positive, been seeing a lot of people for who they really are, been more open emotionally, and just been DOING ME! It took forever it seems, but I finally made a major move this year and did something I should've done so long ago. I am so happy I finally took that step. Well worth the wait and hopefully it leads to more happy moments in the near and distant future. This year I've stepped back from always doing for everybody else and took some time to do for me! Feels good to treat myself on the regular. I think that will definitely carry over to 2011. :-) I see a lot of big things happening next year (some that I already am aware of.....and others that are just some "wait and sees".) Either way.....if you ask me...I'm Ready!


So yea...I haven't gotten around to finishing up "I Wonder" but it'll be completed before the weekend is over. No post Thanksgiving holiday shopping for me, so I'll have time on my hands.

I Wonder....

So today it finally hit me....the motivation to write. I've had alot on my mind lately and I haven't really expressed it. I've mentioned a few things here and there to certain individuals but for the most part my thoughts have remained that.....just thoughts. So today's writing comes in the form of a poem. Yet another TRUE TO LIFE one at that. Each line represents a feeling pertaining to someone I know or have known in my life. This is MY work. Everything on this blog is under legal copyright. I am the legal copyright owner of all of the information on this blog, unless otherwise noted. No information on this entry or any other entry is to be used, reprinted, or reproduced without prior written consent from me.

:-) Ok, now that that is out of the way...you may proceed....


I WONDER

I wonder if she knows how much I appreciate all she does;
That without her teachings and her lessons, I might’ve stayed the hard head that I was.

I wonder if he knew that I still loved him despite all of the bad;
That I regret missing what ended up being the last opportunity that I had.

I wonder if she knows that she’s as close to me as a sis;
That all the good times and the laughs we had are very greatly missed.

I wonder if he knows that on THAT day he broke my heart;
By making a decision that impacted “us” and tore what was US apart.

I wonder if she knows that I just merely go along;
With all of her lies and falsehoods that flow out of her like a song.

I wonder if he knows about that crush that I once had;
One that I never acted on and now I’m kind of glad.

I wonder if he realizes that we are nothing more than friends;
That we can chill and hang out at times but then that’s where it ends.

I wonder if she realizes that he will never belong to her;
That she is wishing and waiting on something that never will occur.

I wonder if she knows that I admire her strength;
How she has overcome so much and that for her family she’d go to any length.

I wonder if he knows that he is the man of my dreams;
That it’s him I’d spend my whole life with….him –my King and I, his Queen.

I wonder if she knows that I have forgiven but will never forget;
The betrayal and hurt back then; our friendship having to be reset.

I wonder if she knows that none of us are fools;
That we know what’s really good, but we all just play it cool.

I wonder if he knows the potential that we could have had;
That things could’ve gone somewhere…it’s a shame that it went bad.

I wonder why people feel the need to boast, be extra, and explain;
If things were really the way you say…we wouldn’t have to hear it over and over again.




NOTE...this poem is not finished!! I probably should've waited to post it, but whatever. I couldn't wait. I have no patience. What can I say???? Oh..and maybe one day I'll release the names. LOL

So until next time..... to be continued.......

Selfishness

I'm trying to figure out when selfishness became so prevalent amongst people around me. I mean too many people seem to just be out for self or concerned with themselves and seem to not care about the people they CLAIM they love or call their friends. I guess their problems are bigger than everybody elses. I'm not a mind reader so I don't know unless someone speaks on matters at hand. What happened to being concerned about the people you hold dear? I guess this is something I have to add to my list of endangered traits.


When you are down and out....struggling...at a low point..or ill, you sure do find out who really cares about you and is there for you!! Thankful for the handful of individuals who are still ride or die in my book. I definitely been going through some "changes" lately. I don't really let people into my world like that. Yea I blog but I never get too deep into specifics on issues....but know that those who do get the real deal dirt of it all....you are truly someone I cherish in my life and trust (until proven that I can't). It's crazy how often times it's the people you expect the most to be there...AREN'T and those that are there you never would've expected at all. Funny how that works. This thing called life sure is a mystery!

It's time to listen....

It's hard to follow your instincts when what they are telling you is something you just don't want to believe. But when they have almost never steered you wrong.....it's time to start listening. I've been here too many times before and have tried to put those messages aside and see things differently and in the end, the messages were right all along. It just sucks. I'm definitely feeling some type of way right now about a few things and I know I have some decisions to make. Hard decisions!!! This sucks. This is a place I hate to visit and it makes me mad every time something or someone forces me to enter into this place. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm just trying to do me and be happy with life. I don't need unnecessary b.s. or people in my life. If you don't want to be there....be GONE!

Going Outside The Box

I've always been one who has gone "against the grain". Never one to try to fit in with the norm. I pride myself on being "unique". I'd rather be a Grade A version of me than a Grade whatever version of someone else. I hate followers....if it's not Twitter then you shouldn't be trying to FOLLOW anyone. Be yourself. It kills me how people go against their norm to fit in. If you can't be yourself to attract the friends or potential mates that you seek, then TRUST that it's not meant to be.

I like being different. I like to stand out in my own special ways. I don't have to act like, walk like, talk like, be like, nor do the things that my FRIENDS do. Real friends respect your differences. Yes, there are certain aspects of myself that I see in my friends that makes them my friends....and then there are things in which we vary on opinion on....music, movies, clothing, MEN, events...it's just the way of life.

A lot of my TRUE personality (likes..wants...desires) are probably a shock to people when they really begin to feel me out and get to know me. I always get the ol "you don't look the type"...whatever that means. *smh* It sometimes cracks me up when people find out things about me. lol Even more funny when assumptions are made based on very little knowledge of me. But hey, that's why people shouldn't assume anything.

Well as I get older, I find myself going outside the box more and more. I never want to limit myself and staying within a "box" definitely limits the possibilities and probably blocks out alot of opportunity. Recently, I have been learning a great deal about myself and more and more I have come to realize what I want out of life and my future. It's time to really step my game up and start really living life to the fullest. Tomorrow isn't promised and I have to make moves and do things that I haven't done in order to get things I haven't gotten. Time to go for mine....step out on faith and go for what I truly deserve and want. Time to put on my big girl shoes and walk this walk. I think I can....I think I can. I have accomplished quite a few things in 2010 that should've been done a longggg time ago, however, better late than never. Time to keep on this path and continue to make changes in myself and my actions in order to get the results that I am seeking. If you ask me.....I'm READY!! Let's go!

I love me some you

"You" have always kept the motivation to succeed within me. Never doubting that I could do anything that I put my mind to. Kept pushing and pushing even when the roads have gotten rough and tough or different obstacles have stood in the way. "You" have been strong when others around have not when life has dealt hands that weren't always so easy to play. When it seems there was nobody there to pick me up.."you" always brought the desire and strength to get back up. For this and so many other reasons....I love "you" dearly! Without "you"...I am nothing. You are my biggest fan. As long as you believe in me and God is by my side...then I know I can move forward with any and everything that I put my mind to. So yes...I have no problem saying it...admitting it...and letting those who question it.....I LOVE YOU!!!

Because......

YOU = ME

Yes, in order to love anyone else or to receive the love of another, you must first love yourself! Despite my modest ways and thoughts....I have plenty of love for myself. If I can't love me...how can I expect anyone else to. My esteem is not high but best believe it is not low. I don't think I am better than anybody else but I do give myself props when deserved. I believe in ME and my decisions. I must say, yes...I do have some regrets in life but they were all lessons learned. Every day is a learning experience and for the school of hard knocks....which is my life...I'm at the head of the class. I am taking in all surroundings, lessons, and material as to stay on top of my game.

~~ I LOVE ME regardless of whether anyone else chooses too or not!! You can either LOVE ME or LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Featured

Yes, yes.....little ole me has been featured on another blog. I feel special!!! YAYYYYYYY! LOL You can check it out HERE. (*ahem*...that means NOW!!) Big thanks to Elle over at edk.dolce for featuring me and my blog over on her site!!!! She has a great blog and is doing her thing over there. Be sure to check it out!!!

Stuck In The Middle

It sucks being stuck in the middle of most situations. Like when you cut your hair (females) really short and you decide to let it grow back out....that middle stage is a beast. Not being quite long enough for a ponytail but too long and awkward for most styles you would like. Or sitting in the backseat of a car and being in the middle. You can't quite get yourself comfortable because you are on the "hump". You have to awkwardly place your feet, one on each side of the hump on the floor so you just can't get right to save your life. Or being the middle child. They say that's always the hardest. You are too "young" or not quite old enough to hang with the older sibling and then you get annoyed by the youngest. There's also the fact that you are no longer the baby of the family.

What about the middle stage between school and career? Fresh out of college or training and you just can't get the job you want because they all want someone with experience....but how do you ever get it if nobody wants to give you the opportunity to get the experience under your belt. The ways of the world never cease to amaze me.

Let's see...what about a journey from Point A to Point B? The long ride filled with anticipation SUCKS. All of your preparation PRE-trip from Point A to the arrival and enjoyment that is forthcoming POST-trip ...however, that ride TO Point B seems endless and seems like you will never get there.

Relationships are no different. That peculiar stage between friendship and relationship....before being totally committed....SUCKS! Well it sucks when you know what you want for the future with this person. That stage can be defined so differently for different people. The "dating" stage. Do you "date" other people during this stage? Is flirting okay? When are you crossing the line and disrespecting the other person? What expectations can you have or should you have at this point in the situation? What is okay and what is NOT okay? What is allowed and what is not allowed? Do you even have a right at this point to get mad or upset about this or that? Personally I hate this stage. It's like having a dimmer switch on the relationship and turning it high and then low...then medium...then up again. I prefer "OFF" or "ON". There's no confusion of what is what. Some people use this stage as the opportunity to "get their bid in" *side eye* Don't even try it!!! It's always somebody who seems to wait until you have a potential mate to want to creep up off the "bench" and try to get into the game!?! All this time....you didn't have the guts to speak up!?!? Really!?! Its a little too late for that. Personally I feel Unofficially Official. What does that mean? I'm not single....and I'm not taken....but my heart has a RESERVED tag on it. I'm already there......so when the question is asked....my answer is already YES!

Which way to turn? - a mini post

Life will often times lead you to a fork in the road. I am mentally mapping out a future "fork" for which I may have to stroll upon. Do I take the familiar road or do I take the one with the bigger hills and curves that will lead me to a new destination? A destination of chances that could end my fairy tale with Happily Ever After or could it be the path of destruction -- leading to stress, drama, and more of the unknown?!?!? Looking at the decision now, I know which road I want to take. I guess time and the situation/circumstances surrounding this journey will help paint a clearer path and help lead me in the right direction.

I've never been the type of person to go with the norm. Sticking to the "same ol', same ol' " and only doing what is familiar bores me. I don't jump the gun though. I am a planner. I like to plot things out and have an agenda. I need backup plans and alternate routes whenever possible.

I do know where I want to be and I hope that where I want to be is also where I NEED to be and is where I WILL be.... and that place is WHERE MY HEART IS! ;-)

I'm done with school....so quit testing me!!

Why do people who KNOW you and how you feel about certain things insist on doing them to you or around you? I mean seriously.... this gets on my nerves. Especially those who AGREE that these things are annoying, stupid, wrong...etc. If you know I hate having my time wasted, then DO NOT do it. If you know I don't like finding things out from other sources instead of you directly, then stop tryna hide *ish*. If I hate being late.....quit causing me to be EXTREMELY late. Especially when I've already had to LIE about the time in the first place. LOL I just don't get it. I've been re-evaluating the level of my relationship with alot of people in my life and I see that alot of downgrades are in order. People that I actually thought were friends have been downgraded. Some that I never realized just how loyal and respectful and trustworthy they truly are....have been bumped up a level. Dead weights.....well they are removed immediately...so those aren't even in the equation. I've never been a loner. I don't like to do things solo (well it all depends....) Some things are just more fun and meaningful when you have someone else there to share the experience....but I see that a few individuals have just been along for the ride. Not adding any value to the relationship/friendship.

I am so grateful for my TRUE ride or die friends. I can count them on ONE hand. Real talk. I think I'm fortunate to have more than 1 or 2. I have always been one of those chicks that had more male friends than female friends.....and we all say the same ol' thing...I just get along with guys better. My mentality and reason just doesn't seem to flow well with the average chick. I don't know....and more and more I am proven right. The same gripes that most guys have about females. ... I have. I can't deal with the petty b.s. The jealousy issues. The plan ol' CRAZY crap that always comes up. Hey, I admit..I am moody but my moods are this....fun and exciting or I just don't really want to be bothered with. Not emotional and clingy and psycho and the list goes on. People assume things about me pre-meeting me...and I know it. For one..I don't smile alot unless I'm acting a fool. I am REAL and honest....and I speak my mind. To some...this totally makes me a B***H. Okay, whatever. But the same things that make those "strangers" think that about me are the same things my TRUE friends love and respect about me. They know I have their backs and won't just stand for any outsiders dragging them or their name thru the mud. I appreciate those who I can say would do the same for me. But real talk...I'm sick of being tested. People are getting better and better at faking the funk. Their true personas aren't showing up until a great deal of time has passed. Watch out for these frauds. They are out there in FULL FORCE!!!! You've been warned.

I am trying to change some aspects of me. Change is good sometimes....good change that is. However, these 'tests' are starting to take me back to a place that I have tried not to return to. I just hope I can stay away. It won't be pretty. Feelings will be hurt....and truly.....the old me...could care less about feelings when lines have been crossed over here.

A Closed Mouth Doesn't Get Fed

I remember when I used to hold my tongue. Used to allow people to get to me and hold it all in within letting it be known that I feel a certain type of way about what someone has said or done to me. Those days are pretty much long gone. I think I've grown to be quite outspoken. I tend to verbalize things more than alot of my friends. I feel as though a TRUE friend will respect you for letting them know how you feel about something or for providing a totally accurate and honest opinion on something..especially when you have been asked. I know I feel that way. I respect my FRIENDS and I appreciate their thoughts and opinions. I don't have to do what they suggest or change my way of thinking, but being given another perspective on things is often times a good deal. Having someone looking in from the outside to provide insight is very important. Usually this is an unbiased opinion. Some people can't handle the truth. They prefer a sugarcoated opinion to spare their feelings. Sugarcoating to me is like telling a "little white lie". It might seem okay and that it does no wrong but it's not being 100% real in my opinion.

On the other side of this, I'm not really one to openly express things that I am going through. This is something that I have been working on and is still a work in progress. I know WHY I've usually internalized all of my stresses and times or turmoil. It sometimes feels easier just to deal and not let anybody else in. Certain situations seem better left hidden as to avoid them being used against you in the future. Some are so personal that you wonder who can you REALLY trust with the information. There are so many reasons for thinking that holding things in is the best option. Reality of it all.....it's really not a good idea. Nobody can help you if they don't know you are going through something. You don't know if anybody can help out, if you don't share the problems. Finding someone who is genuine and that seriously cares about you is the real issue. I can say that I have a FEW people that I know I can trust with my life, my emotions, my secrets, my possessions,...and the list goes on. That are there when I need them no matter what. Who know without a word from me that something just isn't right. Although we don't hang out or talk as much as we have in the past, I still know that I can depend on them to be there even if it's just to listen to me discuss something that's happened, to vent, or to get another point of view.

Communication is a major ingredient for any HEALTHY relationship. Family, friends, significant others.....you must TALK things out. How can you expect change or a compromise when you don't discuss that issue? You can't!!! Plain and simple.

A Quickie.....

I haven't posted an entry in a minute. So I figured I'd take a few minutes to talk about what's going on:

Health - been doing pretty good *knock on wood*. Had joined one local gym but then realized that it wasn't cost friendly for me because I wasn't utilizing all it offered. I went for a month and then canceled. No worries...I joined another at the end of June and am on my way to getting where I want to be. Personal trainer assistance and all.

Career - right now this area is a grey one. I have a few decisions I need to make and while I'm in the process of checking up on leads and options, I won't really go into detail. I do, however, feel as if a change is about to come. God willing all things will fall into place as they need to.

Life (in general) - things have been looking UP. Maybe it's my new positive vibe and attitude I have been keeping. I haven't really been stressing over things that I normally would've in the past. Trying to change things up in hopes that outcomes will change. Of course, with new found happiness and optimism comes the DEVIL trying to throw things off track. I was in a car accident on Friday while on my way to handle some important business we shall say. I was not hurt but my car was messed up pretty badly. Car can be fixed (so I hope) but it def. can be replaced and I am thankful that I was not hurt at all. Maybe my pride was and I was a bit shook up...but hey..that comes with the situation. I'm not going to look at that incident as a sign that the business I was going to handle was a bad idea or that it's not the right move to make. Maybe ol' "Lucifer" was trying to block a blessing!?!?! Sometimes you have to take a step back and look at things from a different perspective.

Love - let's just say that I think I am on the right track this time. Some people from the outside looking in see things as "moving quickly"...hmm not really. When it's been 5 months since your last involvement (technically)...but longer for your heart...then it's not moving too fast. (No shade...just speaking from personal thoughts and feelings). There's no time on LOVE or feelings. Especially when this "new" person (or guy in my case) isn't someone "new". We have a veryyyy long history that just never involved dating. We've been friends for over a decade, something I can't say has been the case EVER in the past. Friends First! That's what "they" always say is the best way to start a relationship. I'm hopeful. I've seen changes in myself because of him. > This could be the start of alot of much needed changes for me. Love, Location, and Life. This is an area that is definitely under the radar and it's playing a major role in all that's going on with me. SN: I have been smiling and more happy than I've been in YEARS. That speaks volumes.

Social Life - I've been doing good with getting out and doing things. Spending time with family and friends. Traveling and getting out of Richmond and even V-A(woohoo!!!). Something that has been LONG overdue. Hopefully I will continue this trend of just going out and having fun! It's what I NEED in life. Boredom brings on the pessimism...stress...depression that I have seemed to bypass and leave in the dust.

Miscellaneous - The heat has been unbearable. I prefer heat to snow though. I can't stand being trapped in the house and things being closed and all that, but this heat is crazy. It's like we jumped straight from winter to summer. I don't think we had a good 3 days between using heat and air conditioners. *SMH* Hmmm...what else is new? Nothing really. Sick of people being childish and stupid. It really works my nerves.

Well that does it for this "quickie"......I'll try to do better w/ me posts. TRY! *Smooches*

Happy Father's Day

"The greatest gift I ever had
Came from God; I call him Dad!"
~Author Unknown

Been a minute since I blogged. That's always the case. I've just been on the move and making plans for the distant and not so distant future. Not really ready to speak on it here so I'll keep on keepin' on with this post. As the title suggests, I'd like wo wish a Happy Father's Day to all those (male and female) who have taken on this role in some child's life. Whether it's a father, godfather, brother, uncle, cousin, family friend, mother. etc. This is your day although every day needs to be your day. Everyone needs a father figure in their life. I was fortunate enough to have mine for the first 18 years of my life. I learned a lot of what has made me the independent woman that I am from this man and for this I am ever so grateful. Although he is no longer here, I know he watches over me and helps guide me to do what he'd want me to do.

So "Fathers"...today we celebrate you! :-)

Happy Mother's Day

Just a quick Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers, mothers-to-be, future mothers, dads who act as mothers, or mother figures in any persons life. Today is your day! Even if you just have a pet......it's all about you today so make the most of it. Have a good one!

Feels so good.....

Alot has changed in a matter of a few weeks. Some good and some bad...but hey that's life. You wouldn't recognize the good without experiencing or dealing with the bad, right? So the title of this blog is "Feels so good...". This can apply to so many things right now.

First off, it feels so good to have WARM weather. All of the snow and cold weather was driving me insane. I can't stand it. To miss work or events that I really wanted to attend on TOP of not being able to party the whole month of January like I would have liked reallllyyyy made me mad. But now it is nice out...in fact, it's been quite HOT for this time of the year but trust that I will NOT be complaining.

Second, it feels good to have a circle of friends who UNDERSTAND. Those who know how to go out and have a good time and keep it drama free. Who aren't ready to go as soon as you get to the destination. Who don't complain about any and everything. Who just want to have a good time and are ready and available to do just that at almost the drop of a dime.

Third, it feels good to have those in your life for the long haul. These are not those seasonal or convenient individuals. It is the ones who have been there through all of the trials and tribulations and not just when the times were good. It is for those who although at times for one reason or another (personal life drama, distance, etc...) have not been within arms reach but have still been there if needed. It seems as if they "come back" at the BEST moments. When they are needed the most.

Forth, it feels good to be loved. Genuinely and without stipulation. To be loved and cared about....flaws and all. :-)

Fifth, it feels good to get away.....and that's just what I plan to do. Even if it's just for a day. To step away from it all and be outside of the circle of stress and drama. It's time to start a new chapter and do new things. Like they say (whoever "they" is)....in order to get something you've never had, you have to do something that you've never done. So time for me to step it up and get moving....I'm on my way! ;-)

It feels good to be me right now.....getting it in at the gym! Getting ME right so that I can do all of the things that I desire and NEED to do in my life right now!
Determined to make this year better than expected!

Life is what you make it.....

Life sure can deal you a hand sometimes that you can play so many ways and each one comes with its own set of consequences and outcomes that could impact so many other things. I tend to get these hands ALL of the time. I must say that most of the time, I feel as though I have chosen the right cards. I have thrown out the bad ones and laid them on the table before the game ended. Some cards I could've thrown out sooner than I chose to, but nonetheless they got thrown out. There have been times that I just stopped plucking cards from the deck. So used to the hand I was given and the cards I was used to holding, that I didn't want to take on anything "new". I soon figured out that in life, you have to take certain risks. You have to allow new cards to come into your hand otherwise you might miss out on the cards you need to win the game!

Right now, I'm not sure if I'm playing Spades, Deuces, Poker or what. I feels like I Declare War. Not sure if I should just quit the game or stick it out. The hand I have is stressing me out. Do I cheat the game? Do I keep the cards I have and wait it out? Do I just move on to another game that I'm more used to and that I know I can win? Do I sabotage the game? I'm at a crossroads on this one. I know what my "gut" is TRYING to tell me but there's still yet another voice that says something else.

NOTE: This "game" can be applied to alot of situations I am dealing with at the moment. So those who really KNOW me....don't assume you know which situation this is in reference to. ;-)

On another note, there are a few things irritating the hell out of me right now. One of which are people who will mooch off certain people but then won't do that with others. Like, if you wouldn't do this with your family or certain other friends...why do you think it's all good to do that *ish* with me? These people don't have a problem begging and asking you for this or that or to do this or that...but absolutely won't go to others for it and they are the ones you claim will do anything for you. Okay well take it to them. Also, what's good with these people who do *ish* for show. I guess it's another category to go along with internet gangsters and fake models and CEOs. People who act super nice and so into God or just plain extra when in reality they are doing the most ungodly of things. I don't claim to be a saint and I definitely won't PRETEND to be that way for anyone. I am who I am and God knows exactly what that means. I could definitely improve in plenty of areas and that's a work in progress, but you won't see me putting off a fake persona to cover up the "other" things that I do. There are some CONFUSED individuals walking amongst us. I will pray for them.

Gotta do better

I really suck at keeping this blog updated. I'll set out to post at some point and never get back here. *smh* Ahhh well.

So the weekend has been pretty nice. No snow and plenty of sunshine. When I say that I am ready for Spring....you can't imagine how much. Time goes up an hour next weekend. I'm happy about that too. I don't sleep alot so this extra hour stuff is for the birds. I'm ready for longer days...more sunshine...more time to be productive before the sun goes down. Yesssiiirrr! I am just ready to start really enjoying life without a big coat, scarf, gloves, boots, etc. *rolls eyes*

Right now, I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Been dealing with alot of stress for all different kinds of angles. Work, personal issues, relationship issues, life issues.....it's like when it rains it definitely poors. Felt like I was hit with a tsunami wave of pure drama for a minute. Things are getting better in most areas. I am definitely happy about that. I am trying to plan a few outtings and trips to "get away". It's long overdue and very much deserved.

My other half is in NY right now. Thought I wouldn't really miss him as much as I do. I think you get used to certain things and when it's quiet...it's just weird. I think I miss my nerves being plucked. LOL. I'm used to our fake beefin' and constant checking of one another. It's strange but that's just how we roll. Could I be falling head over heels? The jury is still out on that one. I'm not quick to jump on the Love Boat. So we will just see how things play out. That's my boo though...regardless of our simple petty issues. Better that then the major drama that others go through I guess.

Just an illusion

Some things are clearly not what they seem to be. It's just an interpretation of what you THINK you are seeing. This can be applied to actual events/people/words and the list goes on. Personally, I am speaking about people. You should definitely never judge a book by it's cover. But then you also can't always go by what you encounter with someone in the beginning as being what they are really about. There are definitely some wolves in sheep clothing running around causing havoc. On the other side, you just never know where you will find that "one" or a very good friend. It might not always be how and where you would think. I think my closest friends are probably people that I never thought would be in my life for more than a season or during a period of employment at a certain job, but instead they have grown to be my rocks, my entertainment, my own personal journals that I can tell all my secrets. It's crazy how life works. "Love" definitely doesn't always come in the package that you think it will. If you wait around for the exact size, shape, and wrapping for this package , you just might miss out on the best thing you could ever have. I am so glad I am open minded and not super petty/picky when it comes to certain things...I would probably have missed out on what I have right now. Someone who cares for me unconditionally....excepts me flaws and all (Lord knows I got em...). That deals with my moods and attitude and unemotional self wholeheartedly. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'd probably throw the towel in with me. LOL I've also picked up a few great friends lately. Good vibes flowing...no trickery or phony individuals. I'm so ready for what 2010 has to offer. Despite being sick as the year was brought in....I have faith that it will be a good one and I plan to make the most of it.

Hi Ho Hi Ho..it's off to work I go...

Back to work today. Felt strange. Like it was my first day on a new job. I've been there 5 years so that is definitely not the case. My day started out busy...steady but fine and ended up hectic/stressful and with a headache. It's all good. I can take it! One day at a time! Wooosahhhh! Going to be hard getting back in the swing of full 5 day work weeks since I haven't had one of those in almost 2 months. :-\

My bday is next Tuesday. Can't wait....I slacked on the plans being made hella early this time. This weather in V-A is so shady it's hard to plan anything. I didn't go above and beyond last year like I try to do every year..but I'll have fun nonetheless. I'll be surrounded by the people I love for 2 days and I have a 3 day weekend. So I'm good.

If you've been keeping up with my posts, then there's no super update on Jigga. He's still having seizures. He went from every 2 weeks 1 seizure in the beginning when they started to now he is on 2 medicines and they come a month apart and he has 1 every day for 3 days in a row. Is that better? To me....no! As I type it has been a month and a week. Not a serious milestone because the longest he's gone is a month + 1 week + a day seizure free. I'm hoping that the new medicine (potassium bromide) is in his system well enough now to make a difference. He's maxed out with the pills and they up them anymore but the liquid he has some serious room to play. *fingers crossed* He has gained weight from the meds since 1) he has to eat with the medicine 2) it makes him eat more 3) it causes weight gain. He's 11 lbs. You can't tell unless you saw him smaller, but they say technically he is obese. *side eye* Still looks teeny to me. He just grew into his long legs and his head still the size of a baby apple. HA! Hopefully I'll be able to report the lack of seizures for the next few posts.

Oh yea..before I dip out....this is the update of my list from 2009:

1) a great two day 30th Birthday celebration


2) being in DC for the Presidential Inauguration


3) going to NY to visit the other fam I have up there


4) getting out and doing more fun stuff (less clubbin' more....something else!!)


5) taking a vacation, or 2, or 3


6) settling down *gasp* ....we'll see about this one


7) reaching that 5 year mark at my job. That is an ABSOLUTE first for me... 2.5 years is usually my max @ a place of employment ** UPDATE ** not there yet.. 4 months and 2 days to go!!!


8) a new whip -- this is kinda TOP priority!!

9) Head to the beach in June for my homegirl's bday

10) Go against the grain and see what's good with "him"! -- FAIL!! NOTHING WAS GOOD

11) Write more - the poems clear my mind -- wrote some but not as much as I wanted to

12) Get another part time gig....technically I have 2 side gigs..but yea...I need #3



I didn't do TOO bad! :-)

On To The Next One.....

This post is not about the new Jay Z video either. I have seen it and find it quite strange but hey..it's Jay...expect anything. Now all the Devil worshiping assumptions are on Code Red levels all over the internet. *shrugs* If he does...ahh well. Anywho, my title of this entry is of course about the new year. 2010 is here and I'm glad to be here to see it. 2009 was not so good but not one of the worst for me personally. Nowhere near the drama and emotional drainage as 1997 and 2007 caused. Hollywood lost alot of people last year. It didn't "pay" to be famous. Both young and old, big names and D listers had their lives taken away in one way or another. It was just all so crazy.


So I need to go back to my 2009 list of goals/achievements list I posted and update it some more. See what I actually did that I said I was going to do. Since I don't do resolutions, I just strive to be a better me that's really all I plan to work the most on. There are some things I did have on last year's list that I definitely need to work on this year. Main goal....to take a vacation. A true one. One that takes me from work for a week. I haven't had a true vacation since 1997. Yea....13 years!! WTF!?!?!?! Yea..def. gonna work on that.