26 December 2013

2013 - Reflections of the year

On a rating scale of 1-10 with 1 being HORRIBLE and 10 being AWESOME…I give 2013 about a 6.   It was no 1997 by any means.  That year, although it had a lot of accomplishments and good events, it was also the hardest and toughest year of my 34 …almost 35 *cough* years on God’s green Earth .  This year has had its share of ups and downs for me.   It’s been very eye opening to those around me DEFINITELY.   When you sit back and observe, it’s amazing what you see and learn.    I’ve learned some very valuable lessons.   Some that I already knew were reinforced.    I learned that people are either going to love and respect me for being the person I am or they are going to totally despise me for it.  This I knew, but I reinforced the fact that that’s totally fine by me.   When it’s all said and done, Toya can and will ONLY be Toya.   I’m tough and I hold people to certain standards. Especially  when it comes to friends and friendship. What I would do for my FRIENDS I expect them to do for me!!   Associates, that’s a different story and the problem is, some people don’t know which list they are on with me.   I’ll just say this….there are VERY few on the FRIENDS list.  Trust and believe that these people know this as I have made it known to them in more ways than one.   When it comes to my friends, anyone who wrongs THEM has wronged ME.   Anyone who feels they can come to ME with any of these people and talk sh** about them are in for a rude awakening….now an ASSOCIATE….I don’t care.   Talk until your blue in the face…but if it’s one of my RID E OR DIE…Friend for lifes….trust and believe you might as well have been saying it to THEM.   Yes, I speak up for my FRIENDS and I expect them to speak up for me.  If you don’t…well then…I guess we aren’t friends and you will be dismissed .    It’s that simple.   I have no problem with pink slips.   It’ll be like you never existed.

I’ve learned this year that one of my CLOSEST friends is actually the FARTHEST away.   It’s crazy how things fall into place and indeed people are placed into your life at the right time and in the right place.   When someone can relate to you and understand that sometimes you just need and want to vent and don’t want to hear the typical “just pray on it” , “don’t let it stress you out”,  “just ignore it”……trust that’s been done and has not lessened the level of PISSED off you are or hurt.    Being the kind of person that I am, I definitely can’t deal with those TYPICAL response people.  I’m REAL and I KEEP it REAL….and if you don’t know WHAT to say then just shut the hell up.    That’s my philosophy.  Nothing worse than someone half a$$ knowing what’s going on or what you are dealing with who think the solution to every situation is truly simple when it is not.    On the outside looking in, a lot of people assume certain things about me and my life and don’t know the half.   I listen and provide my advice and opinions all day every day, and few know the struggles and weights I carry in my life on the daily, things that if they were known to most, they’d understand my strength and also why I am detached from most. Trust issues…nope I don’t have them….but a lack of tolerance and patience for lies and BS I do have.  I’ve never been one to sugarcoat so I DESPISE when someone does that with me.   Just keep it real, even if it’s something I don’t want to hear or won’t be happy with, I’d rather you tell me that and let me be upset and get over it…then find out the REAL and let’s just say..there ain’t no getting over it.    I don’t really feel I hold grudges…instead I just have an Advanced Level Ignore Game.    It’s like you never existed once you have crossed me enough.   Even when you  have patterns of BS and I expect you to do certain things, at some point..ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

I’ve met a lot of new and exciting people this year.    I expect bigger and better outings that will probably create even more friendships in 2014.   I am thankful for being a huge part in bringing a bunch of people who would’ve probably never met together and form new bonds and times of fun and excitement.   It’s rare to find more than a handful of girls who can vibe together without the petty drama who don’t really know one another and come from varying backgrounds with very different personalities.   Which brings me to my next point…2013 has also let me witness the true colors of a few people. Colors that I can’t deal with….Crayola wouldn’t even put them in the 64 count box.   Social Media is a blessing and a curse. It allows people a false sense of toughness and at the same time, it allows people to show who they TRULY are off the cellphone and computer screens.   The ugliness rears its head eventually.  It’s kinda funny but at the same time it’s sad.  Again, when you sit back and watch, you learn PLENTY.

As this year comes to an end in less than a week, I reflect back and I am thankful for those who offered shoulders to lean on, who were there when they didn’t even know I was dealing with some things, who helped me stay positive when I truly didn’t want to.   I have flaws and I struggle all the time about my life and where I want it to go as opposed to where it’s going and where I thought it would be right now. Everything is in a bigger plan and I am taking it day by day, but I’m human and though I’m thankful at the same time I have days that I’m just not happy with what IS.    And I am entitled to do that…..without judgment or stupid, scripted words.    *side eye*   For the last few months, I’ve been the most unhappy I’ve been in ages.   I’ve tried to grin and bear it, tried to stay busy and occupy myself with things and all that did was temporarily pacify my thoughts but once the fun and excitement is over, back to the same uneasiness, unhappiness, and
disappointment.      Thankfully yet again….unexpected things have occurred in recent weeks and my mindset and emotions have changed. One day at a time….but I have a REALLY good feeling about this.
Guess we shall see……….