28 September 2010

Stuck In The Middle

It sucks being stuck in the middle of most situations. Like when you cut your hair (females) really short and you decide to let it grow back out....that middle stage is a beast. Not being quite long enough for a ponytail but too long and awkward for most styles you would like. Or sitting in the backseat of a car and being in the middle. You can't quite get yourself comfortable because you are on the "hump". You have to awkwardly place your feet, one on each side of the hump on the floor so you just can't get right to save your life. Or being the middle child. They say that's always the hardest. You are too "young" or not quite old enough to hang with the older sibling and then you get annoyed by the youngest. There's also the fact that you are no longer the baby of the family.

What about the middle stage between school and career? Fresh out of college or training and you just can't get the job you want because they all want someone with experience....but how do you ever get it if nobody wants to give you the opportunity to get the experience under your belt. The ways of the world never cease to amaze me.

Let's see...what about a journey from Point A to Point B? The long ride filled with anticipation SUCKS. All of your preparation PRE-trip from Point A to the arrival and enjoyment that is forthcoming POST-trip ...however, that ride TO Point B seems endless and seems like you will never get there.

Relationships are no different. That peculiar stage between friendship and relationship....before being totally committed....SUCKS! Well it sucks when you know what you want for the future with this person. That stage can be defined so differently for different people. The "dating" stage. Do you "date" other people during this stage? Is flirting okay? When are you crossing the line and disrespecting the other person? What expectations can you have or should you have at this point in the situation? What is okay and what is NOT okay? What is allowed and what is not allowed? Do you even have a right at this point to get mad or upset about this or that? Personally I hate this stage. It's like having a dimmer switch on the relationship and turning it high and then low...then medium...then up again. I prefer "OFF" or "ON". There's no confusion of what is what. Some people use this stage as the opportunity to "get their bid in" *side eye* Don't even try it!!! It's always somebody who seems to wait until you have a potential mate to want to creep up off the "bench" and try to get into the game!?! All this time....you didn't have the guts to speak up!?!? Really!?! Its a little too late for that. Personally I feel Unofficially Official. What does that mean? I'm not single....and I'm not taken....but my heart has a RESERVED tag on it. I'm already there......so when the question is asked....my answer is already YES!

27 September 2010

Which way to turn? - a mini post

Life will often times lead you to a fork in the road. I am mentally mapping out a future "fork" for which I may have to stroll upon. Do I take the familiar road or do I take the one with the bigger hills and curves that will lead me to a new destination? A destination of chances that could end my fairy tale with Happily Ever After or could it be the path of destruction -- leading to stress, drama, and more of the unknown?!?!? Looking at the decision now, I know which road I want to take. I guess time and the situation/circumstances surrounding this journey will help paint a clearer path and help lead me in the right direction.

I've never been the type of person to go with the norm. Sticking to the "same ol', same ol' " and only doing what is familiar bores me. I don't jump the gun though. I am a planner. I like to plot things out and have an agenda. I need backup plans and alternate routes whenever possible.

I do know where I want to be and I hope that where I want to be is also where I NEED to be and is where I WILL be.... and that place is WHERE MY HEART IS! ;-)

13 September 2010

I'm done with school....so quit testing me!!

Why do people who KNOW you and how you feel about certain things insist on doing them to you or around you? I mean seriously.... this gets on my nerves. Especially those who AGREE that these things are annoying, stupid, wrong...etc. If you know I hate having my time wasted, then DO NOT do it. If you know I don't like finding things out from other sources instead of you directly, then stop tryna hide *ish*. If I hate being late.....quit causing me to be EXTREMELY late. Especially when I've already had to LIE about the time in the first place. LOL I just don't get it. I've been re-evaluating the level of my relationship with alot of people in my life and I see that alot of downgrades are in order. People that I actually thought were friends have been downgraded. Some that I never realized just how loyal and respectful and trustworthy they truly are....have been bumped up a level. Dead weights.....well they are removed immediately...so those aren't even in the equation. I've never been a loner. I don't like to do things solo (well it all depends....) Some things are just more fun and meaningful when you have someone else there to share the experience....but I see that a few individuals have just been along for the ride. Not adding any value to the relationship/friendship.

I am so grateful for my TRUE ride or die friends. I can count them on ONE hand. Real talk. I think I'm fortunate to have more than 1 or 2. I have always been one of those chicks that had more male friends than female friends.....and we all say the same ol' thing...I just get along with guys better. My mentality and reason just doesn't seem to flow well with the average chick. I don't know....and more and more I am proven right. The same gripes that most guys have about females. ... I have. I can't deal with the petty b.s. The jealousy issues. The plan ol' CRAZY crap that always comes up. Hey, I admit..I am moody but my moods are this....fun and exciting or I just don't really want to be bothered with. Not emotional and clingy and psycho and the list goes on. People assume things about me pre-meeting me...and I know it. For one..I don't smile alot unless I'm acting a fool. I am REAL and honest....and I speak my mind. To some...this totally makes me a B***H. Okay, whatever. But the same things that make those "strangers" think that about me are the same things my TRUE friends love and respect about me. They know I have their backs and won't just stand for any outsiders dragging them or their name thru the mud. I appreciate those who I can say would do the same for me. But real talk...I'm sick of being tested. People are getting better and better at faking the funk. Their true personas aren't showing up until a great deal of time has passed. Watch out for these frauds. They are out there in FULL FORCE!!!! You've been warned.

I am trying to change some aspects of me. Change is good sometimes....good change that is. However, these 'tests' are starting to take me back to a place that I have tried not to return to. I just hope I can stay away. It won't be pretty. Feelings will be hurt....and truly.....the old me...could care less about feelings when lines have been crossed over here.

04 September 2010

A Closed Mouth Doesn't Get Fed

I remember when I used to hold my tongue. Used to allow people to get to me and hold it all in within letting it be known that I feel a certain type of way about what someone has said or done to me. Those days are pretty much long gone. I think I've grown to be quite outspoken. I tend to verbalize things more than alot of my friends. I feel as though a TRUE friend will respect you for letting them know how you feel about something or for providing a totally accurate and honest opinion on something..especially when you have been asked. I know I feel that way. I respect my FRIENDS and I appreciate their thoughts and opinions. I don't have to do what they suggest or change my way of thinking, but being given another perspective on things is often times a good deal. Having someone looking in from the outside to provide insight is very important. Usually this is an unbiased opinion. Some people can't handle the truth. They prefer a sugarcoated opinion to spare their feelings. Sugarcoating to me is like telling a "little white lie". It might seem okay and that it does no wrong but it's not being 100% real in my opinion.

On the other side of this, I'm not really one to openly express things that I am going through. This is something that I have been working on and is still a work in progress. I know WHY I've usually internalized all of my stresses and times or turmoil. It sometimes feels easier just to deal and not let anybody else in. Certain situations seem better left hidden as to avoid them being used against you in the future. Some are so personal that you wonder who can you REALLY trust with the information. There are so many reasons for thinking that holding things in is the best option. Reality of it all.....it's really not a good idea. Nobody can help you if they don't know you are going through something. You don't know if anybody can help out, if you don't share the problems. Finding someone who is genuine and that seriously cares about you is the real issue. I can say that I have a FEW people that I know I can trust with my life, my emotions, my secrets, my possessions,...and the list goes on. That are there when I need them no matter what. Who know without a word from me that something just isn't right. Although we don't hang out or talk as much as we have in the past, I still know that I can depend on them to be there even if it's just to listen to me discuss something that's happened, to vent, or to get another point of view.

Communication is a major ingredient for any HEALTHY relationship. Family, friends, significant others.....you must TALK things out. How can you expect change or a compromise when you don't discuss that issue? You can't!!! Plain and simple.