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Thursday, December 26, 2013

2013 - Reflections of the year

On a rating scale of 1-10 with 1 being HORRIBLE and 10 being AWESOME…I give 2013 about a 6.   It was no 1997 by any means.  That year, although it had a lot of accomplishments and good events, it was also the hardest and toughest year of my 34 …almost 35 *cough* years on God’s green Earth .  This year has had its share of ups and downs for me.   It’s been very eye opening to those around me DEFINITELY.   When you sit back and observe, it’s amazing what you see and learn.    I’ve learned some very valuable lessons.   Some that I already knew were reinforced.    I learned that people are either going to love and respect me for being the person I am or they are going to totally despise me for it.  This I knew, but I reinforced the fact that that’s totally fine by me.   When it’s all said and done, Toya can and will ONLY be Toya.   I’m tough and I hold people to certain standards. Especially  when it comes to friends and friendship. What I would do for my FRIENDS I expect them to do for me!!   Associates, that’s a different story and the problem is, some people don’t know which list they are on with me.   I’ll just say this….there are VERY few on the FRIENDS list.  Trust and believe that these people know this as I have made it known to them in more ways than one.   When it comes to my friends, anyone who wrongs THEM has wronged ME.   Anyone who feels they can come to ME with any of these people and talk sh** about them are in for a rude awakening….now an ASSOCIATE….I don’t care.   Talk until your blue in the face…but if it’s one of my RID E OR DIE…Friend for lifes….trust and believe you might as well have been saying it to THEM.   Yes, I speak up for my FRIENDS and I expect them to speak up for me.  If you don’t…well then…I guess we aren’t friends and you will be dismissed .    It’s that simple.   I have no problem with pink slips.   It’ll be like you never existed.

I’ve learned this year that one of my CLOSEST friends is actually the FARTHEST away.   It’s crazy how things fall into place and indeed people are placed into your life at the right time and in the right place.   When someone can relate to you and understand that sometimes you just need and want to vent and don’t want to hear the typical “just pray on it” , “don’t let it stress you out”,  “just ignore it”……trust that’s been done and has not lessened the level of PISSED off you are or hurt.    Being the kind of person that I am, I definitely can’t deal with those TYPICAL response people.  I’m REAL and I KEEP it REAL….and if you don’t know WHAT to say then just shut the hell up.    That’s my philosophy.  Nothing worse than someone half a$$ knowing what’s going on or what you are dealing with who think the solution to every situation is truly simple when it is not.    On the outside looking in, a lot of people assume certain things about me and my life and don’t know the half.   I listen and provide my advice and opinions all day every day, and few know the struggles and weights I carry in my life on the daily, things that if they were known to most, they’d understand my strength and also why I am detached from most. Trust issues…nope I don’t have them….but a lack of tolerance and patience for lies and BS I do have.  I’ve never been one to sugarcoat so I DESPISE when someone does that with me.   Just keep it real, even if it’s something I don’t want to hear or won’t be happy with, I’d rather you tell me that and let me be upset and get over it…then find out the REAL and let’s just say..there ain’t no getting over it.    I don’t really feel I hold grudges…instead I just have an Advanced Level Ignore Game.    It’s like you never existed once you have crossed me enough.   Even when you  have patterns of BS and I expect you to do certain things, at some point..ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

I’ve met a lot of new and exciting people this year.    I expect bigger and better outings that will probably create even more friendships in 2014.   I am thankful for being a huge part in bringing a bunch of people who would’ve probably never met together and form new bonds and times of fun and excitement.   It’s rare to find more than a handful of girls who can vibe together without the petty drama who don’t really know one another and come from varying backgrounds with very different personalities.   Which brings me to my next point…2013 has also let me witness the true colors of a few people. Colors that I can’t deal with….Crayola wouldn’t even put them in the 64 count box.   Social Media is a blessing and a curse. It allows people a false sense of toughness and at the same time, it allows people to show who they TRULY are off the cellphone and computer screens.   The ugliness rears its head eventually.  It’s kinda funny but at the same time it’s sad.  Again, when you sit back and watch, you learn PLENTY.

As this year comes to an end in less than a week, I reflect back and I am thankful for those who offered shoulders to lean on, who were there when they didn’t even know I was dealing with some things, who helped me stay positive when I truly didn’t want to.   I have flaws and I struggle all the time about my life and where I want it to go as opposed to where it’s going and where I thought it would be right now. Everything is in a bigger plan and I am taking it day by day, but I’m human and though I’m thankful at the same time I have days that I’m just not happy with what IS.    And I am entitled to do that…..without judgment or stupid, scripted words.    *side eye*   For the last few months, I’ve been the most unhappy I’ve been in ages.   I’ve tried to grin and bear it, tried to stay busy and occupy myself with things and all that did was temporarily pacify my thoughts but once the fun and excitement is over, back to the same uneasiness, unhappiness, and
disappointment.      Thankfully yet again….unexpected things have occurred in recent weeks and my mindset and emotions have changed. One day at a time….but I have a REALLY good feeling about this.
Guess we shall see……….
HAPPY HOLIDAYS and HAPPY NEW YEAR to all!!!

Thursday, October 31, 2013

2013.....Almost over

It's crazy....it's day 304 of the year (yea I didn't count...this is a daily number I use for work purposes). Looking back at 2013, I can say it's been a pretty decent year. It's brought about both good and bad. I can say I've lost a few "associates" and I've gained a few friends. That's definitely #WINNING! I've learned where some people's priorities really are and also that some people just aren't honest or loyal. If people aren't honest with themselves then you damn sure can't expect to get honesty from them thrown your way. My thing is this...just be real and straight up. If you are going to be a liar or trying to tell a lie, BE GOOD AT IT! Don't waste my time or yours with the bull. I see right through it. It's a shame that grown women and men can't just keep it 100. Instead they gotta manipulate and deceive in order to avoid certain things. I don't know about anybody else but don't pacify me with a lie. I'm really good at finding out the truth, so if you think you are saving face or staying in good graces with the lie(s)...WRONG!! Once the truth is known..it's a wrap!! I'm done with the situation and your lies...and YOU! I did kinda slack on my web design classes. They been put on pause for a minute while I get my head on straight and focused. I've had so much going on and with my work hours, my focus wasn't there. 2014 though....it's on and poppin' once again. The thoughts of moving away are starting to pop back in my head also. I really missed out not moving back in like 2002 when I originally wanted to. It wasn't meant to be then and change can still happen. I just have to really think about it. Where? When? How? I didn't even really get away much this year. I went out here and there. Again...being the organizer and planner for almost everything. BLAH! That gets old... but I still need to just up and hit the highway. Not sure if that will happen in these last like 61 days or not. It's getting cold and the holidays are coming. I think I'll just wait it out a little bit longer. Trying to come up with plans for my birthday in Jan. The big 3-5 on the 12th. Where did the time go? I swear I felt like I was 33 for like 4 years...and I don't comprehend I'm 34 until I sit back and do the math when someone asks me my age. Sad!! I don't mind saying my age unlike most....since most don't usually believe it. I'm good with that. LOL I just hate what follows...?? Why you single? NO KIDS?? Really NO KIDS? You don't want kids. *Sigh* Yes I'm single. NO I don't have any kids. Yes I do want ONE (yea I had to change that dream of 2 to 1 with my late....er....later start on motherhood. If it's in the cards.it'll happen. Hope is kinda lost on that one. But I guess we shall see because Jan 12th, 2015 the factory will be CLOSING!! I'm not really a big holiday person. So I'm not hype over Christmas or anything. I usually enjoy Thanksgiving and then I'm ready for my birthday. I'm something like a Scrooge I guess. It just lost it's hype. I usually already know what everybody is getting me since they ASK me what I want. I don't think I'm hard to shop for but rumor has it...I REALLY AM!?!? I don't think that's accurate. But oh well.... Well...until next time..I think I've done enough babbling. *Smooches*

Sunday, October 13, 2013

25 Things That I Love

Yea, yea...I just can't get back on track with this blogging thing. Life's been kind of busy and some things I just choose to NOT put out there in the blogosphere. So I ran across this note that I did like 3 years ago on Facebook and figured I'd make it a blog entry. It needed some updating...so here you have it: 1. God 2. Family 3. Real Friends 4. Jigga 5. Money 6. Being Me 7. Cooking desserts 8. Being spoiled (so rare....) 9. Having a good time 10. Honesty 11. Proving people wrong 12. Mom dukes cooking 13. HIM (and he don't even know it!) :-( 14. Technology 15. Eating food (so greedy) 16. Wearing Black 17. Animals 18. Warm weather 19. Traveling but NOT driving 20. Kool Aid 21. Writing Poetry 22. Being loved by those I love 23. Music 24. Being ON TIME 25. Those who appreciate me and the things I do for them.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

It's been awhile

Didn't realize I hadn't blogged in almost 6 months. WOW....it's funny how it really hasn't been much going on or changes yet SO MUCH is different. Since over half the year is gone, I can say 2013 has been on the positive side for me and those around me. I've seen alot of new beginnings, new relationships, new friendships, and new experiences. I've also seen NEW attitudes and NEW personas pop up out of others. And to those people, I have to go Sweet Brown....and I have no time for that! It's funny. Me and a few of my friends joke about starting a Private Investigators company. It's so amazing how much I see, hear, find out, and KNOW that people think I don't. It also amazes me how people lie when it's not even necessary. Why do people offer up lies? Come up outta nowhere with a lie when nobody cares or asked. Oh...that's right...it's to get attention. I'm low key. Never been one asking for or seeking attention. Usually when you out there seeking it in the thirstiest of ways, you end up getting the kind of attention that you DO NOT want. To those Sahara Desert thirsty a$$ chicks/dudes....I feel for you. Good luck with that. Right now, I'm just working, working, and more working. The school thing has kinda been on hiatus for a few months. Just not focused but I'll get back to it when it starts getting cold. At least that's the plan. Not much else to really report. In need of a getaway, if it's only for a quick weekend or hell...just a day would do me some good right about now. Guess I better try to work on that. Guess I'll end here until motivation hits me to speak on something else....right now..I'm drawing a blank! :-) Until next time.... (which I will try not to make it another 5+ months) I really need to write more. It's my emotional outlet and Lord knows I have alot of hidden emotion and thoughts I need to express. Just not right now. *sigh*

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Still alive and well...

So I haven't blogged in a minute. Been quite busy. Celebrated my birthday pretty much all of January so I was away living life. 2013 has been interesting thus far, to say the least. Already learned quite a few lessons and reaffirmed my beliefs in other things that I already know. When people show you who they are...believe it. Never been one to have blinders on....I just sometimes tend to TRY to give the benefit of the doubt (not as much as most others) but clearly I have to reduce that even further. People are a TRIP!!!! There's been alot weighing heavy on my mind lately. I've always been pretty private when it comes to really really deep things. Not one of much emotion, I've never been really open about the worst of the worst when it comes to me. Always being the EAR for others....I tend to not really open up about my deepest and darkest of thoughts. Very few know my entire struggle. My ups and downs. My experiences. What has made me the person they've grown to know and probably not exactly understand. Yes I have a few people that I can clearly confide in..and I have but it's like I have certain people who know some things and others who know others. Only 1 or 2 actually know pretty much all I deal with mentally...emotionally. I don't know how healthy that is...but I guess it's better than having nobody at all. Life is just funny sometimes....the way things fall into place. People come and go..and some come back again. Things you didn't notice before...feelings you never paid attention to...feelings you THOUGHT you had. Crazy how it all works! I'm taking it all one day at a time. Hopefully my mind will be clear soon. I need a vacation. That's a start. Some time away from the familiar and same ol' same ol' surroundings that only add to my frustration and stress. It's time for a serious CHANGE. New experiences..new people. Something has to give!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

2012 - My Year Review

So 2012 was definitely full of ups and downs. Can't really say that it goes down as a BAD year but I definitely wouldn't say it was good either. As always my year starts with my birthday and all the festivities surrounding it for pretty much the entire month of Jan. I had a ball with those close to me as usual. A few weeks later I spent an amazing weekend in Myrtle Beach in which the weather was shockingly AMAZING for the last week in Jan. We wore t-shirts and could even wear flip flops. That was definitely RIGHT ON TIME. A much needed getaway (although super quick) for someone who hasn't gone anywhere or done anything outside of my norm in almost 2 years. SMH Just stuck in Richmond.....which is enough to drive you insane. I was also stuck working at a place I HATED....despised...LOATHED. But somebody bigger than me KNEW it was my time to go and that year stint ended on April 24th. Even with the drama surrounding that situation...it was one of the best things to happen. I got a 2 month "mental vacation" but I was till COVERED. No worries because I knew everything would work out exactly how it was supposed to. Started my new job in June,and although the hours were crappy....I worked with them and eventually even that ended up in my favor. I'm glad to be somewhere where speaking up is rewarded and not used against you to say that you are NEGATIVE. That always kills me...don't keep asking people to speak up, give opinions, etc....then when someone does and sees HOLES in your plans and routine do you try to flip it and turn it into you not being flexible and negative. WTF? Whatever.... *brushes shoulder off* Again...I'm good. I kind of hated the last hours and the weekend days, but soon other things in my life would change where those hours didn't really make much of a difference. So it's all good. Now I have a middle of the day shift pretty much that allows me time to handle my business b4 work and some after if need be. Another downer of the year is after having no seizures at all since June 8th of 2011....Jigga (my dogchild) started having seizures once again in Sept. Thought we were totally on track, but now we are back to playing guessing games to find triggers, medicine to regulate, etc. He's now on 4 medicines a day/twice a day. Alot of drugs for his 11.5 lb self...but he's still crazy as ever. Fast forward to now as I type this....things are truly looking up. It's been a year of learning experiences. Learning who some people TRULY are and even more about myself. I've discovered that I truly have more emotion/feeling that I have previously had, but I also know that I still hold plenty of strength and power to live and let go regardless of what I feel. Some people will never get it! When do people grow up and decide that the games, the immaturity, and being a hoe is DEAD. After a certain age, it's not cute. When you are old and lonely....you can take the blame for that. Playing the field only gets you temporary fixes when you could settle/commit and have it permanently. But I guess that's too much like right. But hey...if you don't want games and players...you don't hang around the playground. I don't go LOOKING but I definitely wouldn't be there trying to find happiness. With only 4 days left in 2012, I think this was the year I needed to teach me valuable lessons. Believe me, I've paid attention. I'm going into 2013 with a whole new mindset and looking forward to a great year, surrounded by great people. No longer allowing the laziness and lack of motivation of others effect me and mine. Another thing I've done differently is do me...I don't always need someone else around to have a good time. I've gone out on a limb a few times and headed out with individuals I probably normally wouldn't and had the best times. Keeping an open mind truly does open up a whole new world of opportunity. So 2013...I'm ready for you and all that you shall bring. New life..new laughs..new LOVE :-) Let's get, get, get, it!!!!!!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Being strong has pros and cons

Being a strong person comes with it's downfalls. Some people don't know how to react when you are really going through something or feeling a certain way and ACTUAL share these thoughts, feelings, experiences. Some people can't take you serious at all. I have fallen into this situation way too often recently. I have a few people who know all my struggles and have definitely kept me sane more times than I can count...but there are way more who only know bits and pieces. There's so much more to my story and my strength than most know. Do I usually keep my guard up...yep! Do I tend to put a gate/fence/wall up around my feelings..yep! Have I gotten better...YES..way better but the end result unfortunately has been the results I have wanted to avoid and thus put me back into that place of why even bother. Nothing worse than being on the same page (or so you think) with someone and then finding out you are in two different versions of the same freakin' book. UGHHHH Mutual understandings and thoughts on something...yet ____________ nothing! So despite the attempts to open up.......I think it's safe to say...I'll keep up the gate but actually put a locked entrance...very few will gain entry...that's for sure. It's like how do you get advice and support when you are always the one giving it to others. Taking your own advice doesn't really provide much comfort...because your advice was to "open up" in the first place. *SIGH* Life....one day at a time. No turning back. Eye on the prize. Yea all that "sounds" good....but at the end of the day....it feels like sh** even to the strongest person. Thank God for a BFF that steps in with the greatest advice and set of ears no matter the issue..the time..or the day. Whether it's been hours..days..or months since we last spoke. He knew what he was doing when he brought us back together. In due time.......

Sunday, October 14, 2012

It's been a long time....

Been a little while since I last blogged. Life's just been very busy for me lately. Working crazy 2nd shift hours..doing 10, 11, and 12 hour shifts. All that work and trying to get in some play time in between has consumed me. To add to that, I'm also doing classes for a web design certificate program. Doing websites has always been my passion and I stopped when I lost my creative niche a few years back. After having quite a few people wanting me to do sites for them for church, blogs, businesses, etc and turning them down because it had been SO long and I didn't feel comfortable with my skill level...I knew it was time to get back into it. So that's what I'm currently doing. No real time for REAL studies so I'm doing it through Penn Foster. Which isn't really that shabby. It allows me to go at my own pace...which is great. Although I started out about a month ahead of their suggested schedule and I'm currently about a week and a half behind. I plan to fix that though. Now that my schedule has changed somewhat to more normal. The only thing that's still not back in my regular routine is working out and I'm really hating that. I will have to find and make time where I can to get back on it! Not too much other interesting stuff to report. Just living life..taking things day by day. Making changes to make life better! It's been a crazy year...but I think things are starting to look up and work in my favor. Although some things haven't turned out like I would like..other things are happening and I am ever so grateful. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way in order for things to happen for you. I've moved from in front of my own life chances and now allowing things to fall into place.

Friday, August 17, 2012

No time for it....



I've come to realize that I just don't have time for alot of things. Not just the fact that my work hours are ridiculous and I'm currently doing online classes....I just lack the desire or patience to DEAL WITH alot of things. Some things I've been able to ignore at times or just take it as it is because that's what I'm "used to". Some I've never been too keen on putting up with but at some point you just have to. For example, half a$$ friends. I have no use for you in my life currently. Like seriously, if you only come around (and by this I mean reach out at all) when it's convenient only to you or beneficial to you....seriously..you can go ----> THAT WAY! I can do bad all by myself.

I also don't have time for immaturity. Never have....yea and most definitely never will. I'm grown and I can barely deal with kids doing childish things....so I most definitely will not standby and deal with an adult acting like they are toddlers. Tantrums, being needy, playing games,..... yea those type things. If this is how you roll, just steer clear of me and mine.

Stupidity in general. Yea I can't deal. Some things are just obvious. It's basically a flood outside...umbrellas everywhere...you ask is it raining? Yea that type of stupidity....expect a smart a$$ SARCASTIC response. Yea I can't expect everyone to be as intelligent as I am on certain things, but there is a certain level of KNOWLEDGE that I believe everyone should possess unless they have been deemed clinically/medically slower than others.

Games -- yea I barely play video games and board games aren't my style...so the mind games, emotional games, bullsh@t games.....nope. Not gonna be able to do it. It's alot of this going around these days. Why bother? Who benefits from this...especially when you aren't a good player of the game(s) you try and play. Keep it moving!!!

I also don't have time hearing problems over and over in which advice is requested and yet the same behavior and nonsense continue. Please save it. You must like dealing with the drama or situation otherwise you would change something. If you like it..then I love it. I'll listen but please don't expect words of comfort or "friendly advice" once we've discussed the exact same thing maybe twice. I'm done with it. Until YOU decide to change it...you are accepting things the way they are. So it is what it is.....deal with it!

I have no time for needy individuals looking for handouts but never willing to work for anything themselves. These same people are the ones who never want to help anybody else either. It's one thing to scratch my back and I scratch yours...but seriously....have you even TRIED to help yourself??? I can't do NOTHING FOR YA MAN *in my Flavor Flav voice* I have no time for clingy people..go away...don't you have some other friends or people you can harass or worry all day! Is your name Saran...as in Saran Wrap?!?! GTFOH!!!!! Like a damn gnat in the ear!!!

I have no time for copy cats. In the words of my girl Lil Kim..."get your own SH*T, why you ridin' mine?" I've always been this way..never liked people close to me to have exactly what I had. It works my nerves. Everything I get...you get. Everything I say, you say. Really!?!?! You can't like EVERYTHING I like...EVERYTHING I eat....EVERY move I make..you gotta make it to. Come on....BE YOU! God wanted it that way otherwise you would've been me!


I guess that's all I care to vent about today Blog World. Until next time......XOXOXOX "SMOOCHES"




Monday, July 30, 2012

I Find It Funny....

...that you do all you can for certain people. A true ride or die....pretty much available to them at any given moment 24/7. But you know who seems to reap all the good benefits...someone else. Who isn't genuine. Whose motives are something totally bogus. That's not really out for this person's own good. Of course, as they say...you don't miss your well until the water runs dry. So when YOU are no longer available is when these certain individuals realize what they had or could've had. I refuse to be that person. I do all I can for those I care about..but when it becomes an uneven situation...it's time to back away. Time to use my resources on a better investment.

I also find it funny that people (who call themselves friends mind you) always seem to find time to do stuff with others and never feed them the bulls**t stories that you always seem to get. Like I'm really not hurt by this...however do me a favor and just keep it real. I've learned to already expect you not to come through with your end of the bargain...so do us both a favor and save the lies for someone else.

Yea...quite funny that the ones who will often times help you the most when you are down are the ones you don't get alot of time with. That you'd probably least expect to reach out a hand. Through my own recent experiences..it was truly shocking to me the people that SAID they were there ...don't hesitate to ask for ANYTHING..knowing damn well I never ASK for anything..yet knowing what was what....offered nothing. Not even their time. So with that said....as they do with the weakest link....some had to be dismissed. It is what it is. My circle is becoming transparent because I have no time for part time or past time friends...what are past time friends...the ones who are only around when they have nothing to do and need some entertainment. Sorry I didn't apply for that job and don't want it. You either with me or you can do without me. I'm done obligating myself to others who clearly could care less about what is really going on with me. My life must go on and WITHOUT certain individuals. I wish them all well with their selfish motives and ways.