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07 August 2014

Trying to understand

People confuse me. I thought I was hard to understand (to most), but recently I've witnessed or experienced dealings with some people that I'm just like ummm okay. I get that certain people are private. I am one of them, however, when you are selective in what you want private and how things are handled is when I have to lift an eyebrow. What I mean by this is, on one hand you don't want people "worrying about you and yours" but then in other situations, you want privacy, you got secrets, and you want space. Then on the other hand you get in your feelings when individuals don't congratulate you or offer up sympathy or ask you about something that seemingly was a big secret. Someone like me, when I'm dealing with stuff and I don't mention it to YOU, then I probably feel it's none of your business. This is a sign that I don't want to talk to YOU about it or that I don't feel I want to speak to you about it (at least not right now). So if by some chance you do find out or sense it's something and I brush you off, say I'm okay, mention not wanting to talk about it right now....then that's it. Leave it be. Space...give me space. So because I'm that way, I give space to those who I know are dealing with whatever. Not going to hound and if someone around you gives the update or some kind of clarification then that's all I need. If you want ME to know whatever, then you'll come to me. Soooo you keep the *ish* to yourself and then you have an attitude when you don't get a "reaction" from me. Well, I'm still in the dark. YOU have not told me anything. I don't assume and I don't take what's blowing in the wind as the truth. So if you want reaction from me, then YOU need to be telling me what's going on. People are just mad funny to me. I stopped trying to understand folks a long time ago. Want attention but don't want attention! And well, I just don't give attention heauxs attention. It just wouldn't be right.

20 July 2014

You Must Not Know Bout Me

It's funny how people who KNOW you act like they don't know you. What I mean is, they act like they don't know how you get down. What pisses you off? What you will and won't do? What your reactions to certain things are? Those kind of things. For instance, those who really know me know I ride HARD for my FRIENDS and FAM. I also do not use the word FRIEND loosely. If you are part time, off and on, and on that bullsh*t ... you are NOT on my list of friends. You are an associate (if I give you that much credit). So why anyone who KNOWS me thinks it's okay to text, KIK, inbox, email, call and INQUIRE on some nosey/gossip sh*t about a FRIEND of mine is beyond me. First and foremost, anything you want to know about them, you need to ask THEM. You not getting that from me. If you have issue with them and ESPECIALLY if they have issue with you, more than likely so does Toya. Wronging a FRIEND is like WRONGING me. Sometimes I question if people are as loyal to ME as I am to them. I'm sure some aren't but as long as I don't hear or see the shade then what I don't know doesn't hurt me. Another thing I can't stand, when an individual just blatantly wants to be nosey about stuff. I don't hear from you for anything besides trying to get some scoop. Please dismiss yourself. Where were you 2 weeks ago when I was sick!?!? Not in my inbox checking to see if I was okay. Where were you when I had a reason to be extremely happy!?!? Not texting me to say congrats and offer your well wishes on it. But LET something pop off and clearly I know something about it...here YOU go. SMH..just outright rude and annoying. I remember a time when I would deal with people on a "just because" basis. Like, I would deal just because I hated being bored and this person likes to hang out. Well as of 2013, I ended that routine. I don't have time for just because or Part Time Pals. I keep it 100. If I can't confide in you or depend on you, then I have no use for you. I make myself available 24/7 for those I care about. I work alot and I try to play alot too. But in between it all, I have TIME for who and what I want to have time for. Yes, life can get in the way of some things, but that's when you are considerate enough to let people know that you can't do this or that. A little consideration of other people's time goes a long way. I hate nothing more than to have my time wasted. I could be doing something else, waiting on you. Oh the drama and anger that could be reduced with a simple TEXT to say "I'm late", "I can't make it" , "something came up". And spare the lies...if you don't WANT to do something then don't say that you do. If you did at first and then your mind changed, SAY SO. I have so much respect for the truth but I have absolutely none for lies and decept. And the end of the day, it's your time and your decisions to make but at the same time, don't waste mine with the bullsh*t. I can't get that time back but what I can do is no longer set aside any for the habitual offender. My life and time is just as precious as the next, we aren't promised the next second, minute, or hour. People make alot of excuses about why they can't do this or that, and I still feel that you make time for who and what you want. For some it's easier than others, but again you can still make time. A visit, a call, a text...they are all quick and easy ways to give time to someone. Social media has definitely shown and opened my eyes to people's time usage. It's rather amusing actually. I'm very observant so I peep things the average person doesn't....while others are putting 2 and 2 together, I'm seeing 3 and 1. It is what it is though. People are going to do what they do....but what can you do!?!? I know what I can do...not deal with it! *chucks the deuces* I'm at a happy point in my life. I'm pretty private (even seen through this blog since I never mention names or point out specifics), I've kept alot of lows in the last few years hidden and not too many people even know. Last year this time, I was pretty depressed I'd say. I had alot on my mind and that I was dealing with that I couldn't even really talk about because it would just open up older wounds that nobody really knows/knew about so instead I kept it all in and dealt with is as best I knew how. I had a few people who genuinely were concerned an encouraged me to keep my head up and I appreciated it. What a difference a day makes!!!! I'm private for one, it decreases the chance for drama and two...when I share things it seems like things fall apart so I've learned to stay hush at least for awhile. I claimed a year better than the last and I must say in most aspects 2014 has been just that. We're halfway in and I can't wait to see what else is store. I'm sure more huge surprises for me and involving me. ;-) I feel like I'm tuned into my OWN show. Looking from the outside in, it's kinda unreal but I love it! I'm going to try to blog more. It's like FREE therapy. Since people have asked and I've been slacking, I'll do my best to write SOMETHING if not several times a week, then maybe at least once a week (I'm sure that won't happen, but I'll try). Until next time......

14 July 2014

Oh wow..

Damn, I haven't been around here in a hot minute. I'll be back though. A lot has happened since my last post. Plenty of things to speak on. Changes, good things, bad things, outlooks, plans......so many things. I'll definitely be back. I've been hit up by quite a few "followers" who noticed my blogging absence and I've been encouraged to step my game up. I'm listening and I'll be back to my "blog therapy" in the next week or 2. :-)

26 December 2013

2013 - Reflections of the year

On a rating scale of 1-10 with 1 being HORRIBLE and 10 being AWESOME…I give 2013 about a 6.   It was no 1997 by any means.  That year, although it had a lot of accomplishments and good events, it was also the hardest and toughest year of my 34 …almost 35 *cough* years on God’s green Earth .  This year has had its share of ups and downs for me.   It’s been very eye opening to those around me DEFINITELY.   When you sit back and observe, it’s amazing what you see and learn.    I’ve learned some very valuable lessons.   Some that I already knew were reinforced.    I learned that people are either going to love and respect me for being the person I am or they are going to totally despise me for it.  This I knew, but I reinforced the fact that that’s totally fine by me.   When it’s all said and done, Toya can and will ONLY be Toya.   I’m tough and I hold people to certain standards. Especially  when it comes to friends and friendship. What I would do for my FRIENDS I expect them to do for me!!   Associates, that’s a different story and the problem is, some people don’t know which list they are on with me.   I’ll just say this….there are VERY few on the FRIENDS list.  Trust and believe that these people know this as I have made it known to them in more ways than one.   When it comes to my friends, anyone who wrongs THEM has wronged ME.   Anyone who feels they can come to ME with any of these people and talk sh** about them are in for a rude awakening….now an ASSOCIATE….I don’t care.   Talk until your blue in the face…but if it’s one of my RID E OR DIE…Friend for lifes….trust and believe you might as well have been saying it to THEM.   Yes, I speak up for my FRIENDS and I expect them to speak up for me.  If you don’t…well then…I guess we aren’t friends and you will be dismissed .    It’s that simple.   I have no problem with pink slips.   It’ll be like you never existed.

I’ve learned this year that one of my CLOSEST friends is actually the FARTHEST away.   It’s crazy how things fall into place and indeed people are placed into your life at the right time and in the right place.   When someone can relate to you and understand that sometimes you just need and want to vent and don’t want to hear the typical “just pray on it” , “don’t let it stress you out”,  “just ignore it”……trust that’s been done and has not lessened the level of PISSED off you are or hurt.    Being the kind of person that I am, I definitely can’t deal with those TYPICAL response people.  I’m REAL and I KEEP it REAL….and if you don’t know WHAT to say then just shut the hell up.    That’s my philosophy.  Nothing worse than someone half a$$ knowing what’s going on or what you are dealing with who think the solution to every situation is truly simple when it is not.    On the outside looking in, a lot of people assume certain things about me and my life and don’t know the half.   I listen and provide my advice and opinions all day every day, and few know the struggles and weights I carry in my life on the daily, things that if they were known to most, they’d understand my strength and also why I am detached from most. Trust issues…nope I don’t have them….but a lack of tolerance and patience for lies and BS I do have.  I’ve never been one to sugarcoat so I DESPISE when someone does that with me.   Just keep it real, even if it’s something I don’t want to hear or won’t be happy with, I’d rather you tell me that and let me be upset and get over it…then find out the REAL and let’s just say..there ain’t no getting over it.    I don’t really feel I hold grudges…instead I just have an Advanced Level Ignore Game.    It’s like you never existed once you have crossed me enough.   Even when you  have patterns of BS and I expect you to do certain things, at some point..ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

I’ve met a lot of new and exciting people this year.    I expect bigger and better outings that will probably create even more friendships in 2014.   I am thankful for being a huge part in bringing a bunch of people who would’ve probably never met together and form new bonds and times of fun and excitement.   It’s rare to find more than a handful of girls who can vibe together without the petty drama who don’t really know one another and come from varying backgrounds with very different personalities.   Which brings me to my next point…2013 has also let me witness the true colors of a few people. Colors that I can’t deal with….Crayola wouldn’t even put them in the 64 count box.   Social Media is a blessing and a curse. It allows people a false sense of toughness and at the same time, it allows people to show who they TRULY are off the cellphone and computer screens.   The ugliness rears its head eventually.  It’s kinda funny but at the same time it’s sad.  Again, when you sit back and watch, you learn PLENTY.

As this year comes to an end in less than a week, I reflect back and I am thankful for those who offered shoulders to lean on, who were there when they didn’t even know I was dealing with some things, who helped me stay positive when I truly didn’t want to.   I have flaws and I struggle all the time about my life and where I want it to go as opposed to where it’s going and where I thought it would be right now. Everything is in a bigger plan and I am taking it day by day, but I’m human and though I’m thankful at the same time I have days that I’m just not happy with what IS.    And I am entitled to do that…..without judgment or stupid, scripted words.    *side eye*   For the last few months, I’ve been the most unhappy I’ve been in ages.   I’ve tried to grin and bear it, tried to stay busy and occupy myself with things and all that did was temporarily pacify my thoughts but once the fun and excitement is over, back to the same uneasiness, unhappiness, and
disappointment.      Thankfully yet again….unexpected things have occurred in recent weeks and my mindset and emotions have changed. One day at a time….but I have a REALLY good feeling about this.
Guess we shall see……….
HAPPY HOLIDAYS and HAPPY NEW YEAR to all!!!

31 October 2013

2013.....Almost over

It's crazy....it's day 304 of the year (yea I didn't count...this is a daily number I use for work purposes). Looking back at 2013, I can say it's been a pretty decent year. It's brought about both good and bad. I can say I've lost a few "associates" and I've gained a few friends. That's definitely #WINNING! I've learned where some people's priorities really are and also that some people just aren't honest or loyal. If people aren't honest with themselves then you damn sure can't expect to get honesty from them thrown your way. My thing is this...just be real and straight up. If you are going to be a liar or trying to tell a lie, BE GOOD AT IT! Don't waste my time or yours with the bull. I see right through it. It's a shame that grown women and men can't just keep it 100. Instead they gotta manipulate and deceive in order to avoid certain things. I don't know about anybody else but don't pacify me with a lie. I'm really good at finding out the truth, so if you think you are saving face or staying in good graces with the lie(s)...WRONG!! Once the truth is known..it's a wrap!! I'm done with the situation and your lies...and YOU! I did kinda slack on my web design classes. They been put on pause for a minute while I get my head on straight and focused. I've had so much going on and with my work hours, my focus wasn't there. 2014 though....it's on and poppin' once again. The thoughts of moving away are starting to pop back in my head also. I really missed out not moving back in like 2002 when I originally wanted to. It wasn't meant to be then and change can still happen. I just have to really think about it. Where? When? How? I didn't even really get away much this year. I went out here and there. Again...being the organizer and planner for almost everything. BLAH! That gets old... but I still need to just up and hit the highway. Not sure if that will happen in these last like 61 days or not. It's getting cold and the holidays are coming. I think I'll just wait it out a little bit longer. Trying to come up with plans for my birthday in Jan. The big 3-5 on the 12th. Where did the time go? I swear I felt like I was 33 for like 4 years...and I don't comprehend I'm 34 until I sit back and do the math when someone asks me my age. Sad!! I don't mind saying my age unlike most....since most don't usually believe it. I'm good with that. LOL I just hate what follows...?? Why you single? NO KIDS?? Really NO KIDS? You don't want kids. *Sigh* Yes I'm single. NO I don't have any kids. Yes I do want ONE (yea I had to change that dream of 2 to 1 with my late....er....later start on motherhood. If it's in the cards.it'll happen. Hope is kinda lost on that one. But I guess we shall see because Jan 12th, 2015 the factory will be CLOSING!! I'm not really a big holiday person. So I'm not hype over Christmas or anything. I usually enjoy Thanksgiving and then I'm ready for my birthday. I'm something like a Scrooge I guess. It just lost it's hype. I usually already know what everybody is getting me since they ASK me what I want. I don't think I'm hard to shop for but rumor has it...I REALLY AM!?!? I don't think that's accurate. But oh well.... Well...until next time..I think I've done enough babbling. *Smooches*

13 October 2013

25 Things That I Love

Yea, yea...I just can't get back on track with this blogging thing. Life's been kind of busy and some things I just choose to NOT put out there in the blogosphere. So I ran across this note that I did like 3 years ago on Facebook and figured I'd make it a blog entry. It needed some updating...so here you have it: 1. God 2. Family 3. Real Friends 4. Jigga 5. Money 6. Being Me 7. Cooking desserts 8. Being spoiled (so rare....) 9. Having a good time 10. Honesty 11. Proving people wrong 12. Mom dukes cooking 13. HIM (and he don't even know it!) :-( 14. Technology 15. Eating food (so greedy) 16. Wearing Black 17. Animals 18. Warm weather 19. Traveling but NOT driving 20. Kool Aid 21. Writing Poetry 22. Being loved by those I love 23. Music 24. Being ON TIME 25. Those who appreciate me and the things I do for them.

04 August 2013

It's been awhile

Didn't realize I hadn't blogged in almost 6 months. WOW....it's funny how it really hasn't been much going on or changes yet SO MUCH is different. Since over half the year is gone, I can say 2013 has been on the positive side for me and those around me. I've seen alot of new beginnings, new relationships, new friendships, and new experiences. I've also seen NEW attitudes and NEW personas pop up out of others. And to those people, I have to go Sweet Brown....and I have no time for that! It's funny. Me and a few of my friends joke about starting a Private Investigators company. It's so amazing how much I see, hear, find out, and KNOW that people think I don't. It also amazes me how people lie when it's not even necessary. Why do people offer up lies? Come up outta nowhere with a lie when nobody cares or asked. Oh...that's right...it's to get attention. I'm low key. Never been one asking for or seeking attention. Usually when you out there seeking it in the thirstiest of ways, you end up getting the kind of attention that you DO NOT want. To those Sahara Desert thirsty a$$ chicks/dudes....I feel for you. Good luck with that. Right now, I'm just working, working, and more working. The school thing has kinda been on hiatus for a few months. Just not focused but I'll get back to it when it starts getting cold. At least that's the plan. Not much else to really report. In need of a getaway, if it's only for a quick weekend or hell...just a day would do me some good right about now. Guess I better try to work on that. Guess I'll end here until motivation hits me to speak on something else....right now..I'm drawing a blank! :-) Until next time.... (which I will try not to make it another 5+ months) I really need to write more. It's my emotional outlet and Lord knows I have alot of hidden emotion and thoughts I need to express. Just not right now. *sigh*

13 February 2013

Still alive and well...

So I haven't blogged in a minute. Been quite busy. Celebrated my birthday pretty much all of January so I was away living life. 2013 has been interesting thus far, to say the least. Already learned quite a few lessons and reaffirmed my beliefs in other things that I already know. When people show you who they are...believe it. Never been one to have blinders on....I just sometimes tend to TRY to give the benefit of the doubt (not as much as most others) but clearly I have to reduce that even further. People are a TRIP!!!! There's been alot weighing heavy on my mind lately. I've always been pretty private when it comes to really really deep things. Not one of much emotion, I've never been really open about the worst of the worst when it comes to me. Always being the EAR for others....I tend to not really open up about my deepest and darkest of thoughts. Very few know my entire struggle. My ups and downs. My experiences. What has made me the person they've grown to know and probably not exactly understand. Yes I have a few people that I can clearly confide in..and I have but it's like I have certain people who know some things and others who know others. Only 1 or 2 actually know pretty much all I deal with mentally...emotionally. I don't know how healthy that is...but I guess it's better than having nobody at all. Life is just funny sometimes....the way things fall into place. People come and go..and some come back again. Things you didn't notice before...feelings you never paid attention to...feelings you THOUGHT you had. Crazy how it all works! I'm taking it all one day at a time. Hopefully my mind will be clear soon. I need a vacation. That's a start. Some time away from the familiar and same ol' same ol' surroundings that only add to my frustration and stress. It's time for a serious CHANGE. New experiences..new people. Something has to give!

27 December 2012

2012 - My Year Review

So 2012 was definitely full of ups and downs. Can't really say that it goes down as a BAD year but I definitely wouldn't say it was good either. As always my year starts with my birthday and all the festivities surrounding it for pretty much the entire month of Jan. I had a ball with those close to me as usual. A few weeks later I spent an amazing weekend in Myrtle Beach in which the weather was shockingly AMAZING for the last week in Jan. We wore t-shirts and could even wear flip flops. That was definitely RIGHT ON TIME. A much needed getaway (although super quick) for someone who hasn't gone anywhere or done anything outside of my norm in almost 2 years. SMH Just stuck in Richmond.....which is enough to drive you insane. I was also stuck working at a place I HATED....despised...LOATHED. But somebody bigger than me KNEW it was my time to go and that year stint ended on April 24th. Even with the drama surrounding that situation...it was one of the best things to happen. I got a 2 month "mental vacation" but I was till COVERED. No worries because I knew everything would work out exactly how it was supposed to. Started my new job in June,and although the hours were crappy....I worked with them and eventually even that ended up in my favor. I'm glad to be somewhere where speaking up is rewarded and not used against you to say that you are NEGATIVE. That always kills me...don't keep asking people to speak up, give opinions, etc....then when someone does and sees HOLES in your plans and routine do you try to flip it and turn it into you not being flexible and negative. WTF? Whatever.... *brushes shoulder off* Again...I'm good. I kind of hated the last hours and the weekend days, but soon other things in my life would change where those hours didn't really make much of a difference. So it's all good. Now I have a middle of the day shift pretty much that allows me time to handle my business b4 work and some after if need be. Another downer of the year is after having no seizures at all since June 8th of 2011....Jigga (my dogchild) started having seizures once again in Sept. Thought we were totally on track, but now we are back to playing guessing games to find triggers, medicine to regulate, etc. He's now on 4 medicines a day/twice a day. Alot of drugs for his 11.5 lb self...but he's still crazy as ever. Fast forward to now as I type this....things are truly looking up. It's been a year of learning experiences. Learning who some people TRULY are and even more about myself. I've discovered that I truly have more emotion/feeling that I have previously had, but I also know that I still hold plenty of strength and power to live and let go regardless of what I feel. Some people will never get it! When do people grow up and decide that the games, the immaturity, and being a hoe is DEAD. After a certain age, it's not cute. When you are old and lonely....you can take the blame for that. Playing the field only gets you temporary fixes when you could settle/commit and have it permanently. But I guess that's too much like right. But hey...if you don't want games and players...you don't hang around the playground. I don't go LOOKING but I definitely wouldn't be there trying to find happiness. With only 4 days left in 2012, I think this was the year I needed to teach me valuable lessons. Believe me, I've paid attention. I'm going into 2013 with a whole new mindset and looking forward to a great year, surrounded by great people. No longer allowing the laziness and lack of motivation of others effect me and mine. Another thing I've done differently is do me...I don't always need someone else around to have a good time. I've gone out on a limb a few times and headed out with individuals I probably normally wouldn't and had the best times. Keeping an open mind truly does open up a whole new world of opportunity. So 2013...I'm ready for you and all that you shall bring. New life..new laughs..new LOVE :-) Let's get, get, get, it!!!!!!

29 November 2012

Being strong has pros and cons

Being a strong person comes with it's downfalls. Some people don't know how to react when you are really going through something or feeling a certain way and ACTUAL share these thoughts, feelings, experiences. Some people can't take you serious at all. I have fallen into this situation way too often recently. I have a few people who know all my struggles and have definitely kept me sane more times than I can count...but there are way more who only know bits and pieces. There's so much more to my story and my strength than most know. Do I usually keep my guard up...yep! Do I tend to put a gate/fence/wall up around my feelings..yep! Have I gotten better...YES..way better but the end result unfortunately has been the results I have wanted to avoid and thus put me back into that place of why even bother. Nothing worse than being on the same page (or so you think) with someone and then finding out you are in two different versions of the same freakin' book. UGHHHH Mutual understandings and thoughts on something...yet ____________ nothing! So despite the attempts to open up.......I think it's safe to say...I'll keep up the gate but actually put a locked entrance...very few will gain entry...that's for sure. It's like how do you get advice and support when you are always the one giving it to others. Taking your own advice doesn't really provide much comfort...because your advice was to "open up" in the first place. *SIGH* Life....one day at a time. No turning back. Eye on the prize. Yea all that "sounds" good....but at the end of the day....it feels like sh** even to the strongest person. Thank God for a BFF that steps in with the greatest advice and set of ears no matter the issue..the time..or the day. Whether it's been hours..days..or months since we last spoke. He knew what he was doing when he brought us back together. In due time.......