Reflections of 2019

It's been almost 2 years since I made a blog post. I didn't have the desire or need (so I thought) to write.. but here I am. Back at it. Not only do I NEED this post, maybe somebody else does. Not just individuals who may be dealing with some of the topics at hand or maybe those who are GUILTY of some of them. Like always, I never actually put specific things in my blog. People who know, know. People can also assume that they are the subjects being referenced. It is what it is. I no longer have the desire or patience for certain things. I'm tired of being a broken record and tired of just being TIRED. People who KNOW me..know how I am about certain things yet these are the EXACT people who pet all my damn peeves. Who do all the simple petty bullshit that DRIVE ME UP A WALL. I made it my business to longer tolerate constant BS from anybody. I REFUSE. It didn't take a NEW year to do so. I put this into effect when it finally hit me. I've always been TOUGH when it comes to who I let into my world. I keep a guard up for so many reasons. To get NEXT to me is totally a privilege and not something for the weak or just anybody. This will be a rambling post. There is ALOT I need to "get up off my chest" and writing has always been the best way and now it is almost the only way because things I've experienced and seen the last 2 months have shown me....I have me, myself,and I and maybe 3 or 4 people I can depend on at ALL times. I consider myself a very dependable ride or die FRIEND...and I go hard for you, I expect the exact same in return. If it's not reciprocated in the same capacity...then we aren't in fact FRIENDS.

Anyways....let's get to my 2019....

Year started out great. In FL, surrounded by my friends and brother and other half for my 40th Bday. Trip had a few moments that tested me. A few PEOPLE tested me.... LORD KNOWS!!! But I didn't and wouldn't let it take away from the experience and the birthday that I wanted. It was a success afterall. Especally since I missed the snow back in Richmond. (EXACTLY WHY I WANTED TO HEAD OUT!)

Well only a few weeks after the birthday, all hell began to break loose. I was sick as a dog. I had no voice for almost 2 weeks. Got majorly violated ..not once but twice by a thief. Thankfully all was recovered and life got back to pretty much normal. It was a minor setback for a major comeback.

I did travel quite a bit. Won a trip to Philly and it coincided with Iverson's Iverson Classic game in PA. OF COURSE I WENT...and your girl sat right behind A.I. and his fam. Star struck..ummm yesssss!!! Turns out Jadakiss was also staying in the hotel I was in which was FABULOUS by the way. They definitely showed out trying to show me a good time for that win from Visit Philly. Shout out to them!

Vacation was soon after. That was fun. Finally hit up the ATL for the first time. It was hot as hades but shockingly it was hotter in Richmond that week than it was in Atlanta. I had a ball but there are so many stones left unturned so I must go back.

Fast forward to the fall/winter...with season changes come other changes. My life got turned completely upside down out of nowhere. Don't really care to elaborate on the subject at hand but what I will say is you TRULY learn who has your back and your best interest at heart when something goes down. Thank God I'm a go getter and I don't wait on other people to get my *ish* together. I got shit cracking ON MY OWN. I was at my lowest I've been in years. Lost 16 lbs... not eating...breaking down at work....all types of shit. Crazy thing about it all...how quickly people no longer seem to give a f**k about how you are doing. I don't like attention nor do I seek it, however, even the strongest people need a shoulder at times. It was so quickly after that the texts/calls to 'check in' stop. Almost 2 months later, I'm still NOT OKAY. I can admit it...I'll say I am but the REAL ONES who been there through it KNOW. They demand to SEE my face because they can't go by what I "tell" them. I am always the one here and there for EVERYBODY else when they need me. Checking in so often it's worrisome at times but when a bitch going through it it's like crickets. But guess what....I've learned and my eyes are wide TF open. I had people turn victim and make me the bad guy (girl). I didn't do anything to anybody yet I am the one who everybody wants to hate. WTF!?!? Oh okay..this what we doing. I swear I wish I could just up and move away. I feel like hell nobody would care or notice my absence cuz ain't nobody really giving me their time anyway. Everybody is TOO busy. HA..that's another joke. I STAY busy and at least TRY to stay busy but I still make time for who and wtf I want to. And trust and believe if one of my FRIENDS need me..I'm there one way or another. But that's just me though I guess. The people I expect the least to be able to check in, hang out, or just get my mind off of the BS....are the exact ones who been there. The people I JUST let into my world.....BEEN RIGHT THERE WITH ME. Imagine that. It's all good though. All my blessings been flowing and they shall continue but people gonna feel my absence and know that I NO LONGER have time either. Not that I'm busy....it's just...I refuse to be backburnered any longer. It's a joke when everybody says "I'm here if you need me"...minute you TRULY need them because you are in a bad space and.... well...their too busy. YEA I KNOW..it's COOL. It's really not but I don't have the fight in me no more. It is what it is.

What else has 2019 taught me? 1.My patience in now in the negatives for certain things. Certain types of people. Things that pet my peeves. Like I hate small talk. Do not call me if all you have to say is hey. In fact, you don't even have to text me if that's the case. Unless you following up with a "I just wanted to check on you"... please leave me ALONE.

2.I still don't really like talking on the phone unless it's necessary because it's too much to type. I got much better and did start calling versus texting to a couple people but BLAH....if I can text it, then it'll be texted.

3.People are very inconsiderate. I'll never understand why people won't keep people updated or let them know of a change immediately. Inconveniencing other people is lame as f**k. If "we" plan to do something, ESPECIALLY WITH SUPER EARLY NOTICE, a heads up leading up to that day about potential changes or cancellations is much appreciated. What I can not stand is a PLAN being in action and then either I have to reach out to YOU to find out WTF is going on or last minute you be like oh such and such and you KNEW this long ago...not only could I have done something else BUT now you just on my last one. My plan to curb this is...well I ain't making many plans with folks going forward. I'm the planner clearly because typically if I don't set shit u...nothing goes down. I'm tired of that shit too. For once can I just show up to some shit and not have to do all the damn leg work.

4.Loyalty is a dying thing. I don't even want to begin to go into how my eyes on this shit here have been opened. People will turn on you in a hot ass second when THEY KNOW YOU BETTER THAN THAT. It's kind of amusing though in the end to realize how STUPID some people are. But you got it.

5.People's perceptions of me are so off. I will do what I can for people. I stick my neck out time and time again. Not for anything in return, HOWEVER, being totally take advantage. When it's time to reciprocate....CRICKETS!!! All good on that too. Your access has expired. I can't do nothing for you.

6.Sometimes your Day Ones aren't people who've been in your life for a LONG time...they Day started when you first got close with them. I have a few DAY ONES who just came on board the Toya Train in the last few months and they've shown more love, concern, loyalty, and ALL'AT than people who I thought had my best interests at heart. I appreciate them and I make sure to let them know it.

7.It's okay to ask for help. I still don't really ask for anything. I'm such a go-getter. I like to get stuff on my own and most things I feel like I shouldn't have to ASK for. If you know I need it, then offer. This isn't just a material things conversation. I get it..some people don't know what to say or do to offer support etc...but saying NOTHING says ALOT. At the same time, don't just say shit cuz it "sounds good". If you aren't going to stand on your word...then yea don't say shit. That "if you need anything, don't hesitate to call/reach out"...then you do and it's the I'm busy BS. Ummm ok...thanks for being "there".

8.People make time for who and what they want. I am a firm believer in this. People can kill all that we are adults and this and that and this. Believe you me, if I can make time for various things and people at the drop of dime...it can be done and I will do all in my power to make time for those I care about. If I have to leave one thing early or move some shit around...I will.and I DO. I can be the busiest person at times but still...if I can do it..so can others. The lack of effort to even do so...speaks volumes. SORRY NOT SORRY! #NOTED

9.Private life might not be a happy life persay but it damn sure is a BETTER one. People take social media so serious and all to heart. Yes, some people post every waking moment of their life. The highs...the lows. I post WTF I think is funny, eye opening, it might apply to me or it might not....I post irrelevant shit. I post quotes...whatever I WANT cuz it's my page(s) ...but you can't tell what is going on in my REAL life just from my posts. Just that I travel here and there and I love my dog. My ups and downs aren't displayed. You can assume plenty of shit but never really know and that's exactly how I like it.

10.I'm not as UNemotional as I used to be and my feelings have been hurt, smashed, and tested more than I care to recall in 2019. I shed more tears in 2019 than probably the last decade and most were silent tears. Tears NOBODY knew I shed. Why...for 1 I never want to be a burden to others and push my problems on other people. 2....half the time people are just nosey and don't GAF what you are going through anyway. I know this firsthand too...they disappear after they get the "scoop". #DUECES 3 because very few people actually GET IT. Hell most people don't even understand me. I know who does and I now know without a doubt who I can go to at any hour when I need a shoulder to lean on. My true ROCKS. I can't express to them enough how grateful I am to have them. No matter distance...time of day...LIFE outside of the friendship...they are there. These are the ones who tell me time and time again..no need to "thank" me..that's what friends are for. I can't help myself though. People need to know they are appreciated. So many users in this here world...who take and take without appreciation. I feel the need to let those I appreciate KNOW it every chance I get.

This list could totally go on and on. I'll probably have to come back with another entry to rant and vent about some other stuff. It's just SOOOOOO much. People urk me. If you don't want it done to you then why do it to others!??! People are selfish and trifling to say the least. Don't care who they inconvenience. Don't care about people's plans or what they are trying to do. Don't care that their decisions or lack of updates/information can impact so many other things. Don't care that their "friend" is hurting and need someone. Don't care about ANYTHING unless they benefit from it. Ehh...I have alot of peeves. I can't even lie and say oh i'll work on this and that...no I still refuse to except certain bs behavior from adults. I still refuse to be late. I still despise waiting on people. I still despise procrastinators. I still despise have to reach out to people who need to be reaching out to me. I still despise being the planner for EVERYTHING...and I still despise that I am the one who checks up on everybody else. Plenty of this will end...or has started to end. I swear I wanted to change my number for 2020. It wouldn't impact that many because hell nobody uses it....lol But then I've had the number since 2001 and I don't even want to change it. Instead, I am going to just stop being the one who reaches out first. Phone been REAL dry... lol AHH WELL!!!!

I think this will do...for now... I'll be back before my 41st on the 12th. I know I'll have plenty more to say....