05 July 2008

The World Around Me...

So right now I'm bored out of my mind. Being bored leads to me doing one of several things:

1) Cleaning up
2) Being online
3) Sleeping (which I rarely do)
4) Being creative
5) Blogging because my mind is working overtime

Well today I have now done 4 of the 5. #4 has yet to kick in, but the night isn't over. Maybe I'll make some graphics or something a bit later. But right now, I'm here to speak on a few things going on in my head right about now. Where do I start though!?! Maybe my lack of loving V-A right now. I am in such a serious need of a vacation. A real one. Not this bullshit I've taken this week. I was off 3 out of the 5 work days and I didn't do anything in the form of entertainment. Wasted time!?!? Not really, can't say I got rest either because regardless of if I work or not, I wake up mad early. I did, however, sleep a bulk of the day on the 4th. I slept from around 5pm to 10 pm. Then I was up til 3 a.m. Saturday morning and woke up again at 7 a.m. How NOT surprising of me and my sleeping habits. So a vacation, one that requires leaving the area code would be some serious therapy right now. I did go to Kings Dominion last weekend, but that was a joke in itself. Way too hot and way too many people. I arrived at 11 a.m. and was back home by 3 p.m. I did run into one of my exes that I haven't seen since we were together and haven't talked to in a minute. It was good seeing him. Maybe we'll get back in touch (and no I don't mean in the hopes of a reunion in the form of a relationship)..unlike most, I am still friends with 95% of my exes. Weird..I know...but that's because most of my relationships have been mutually ended or have ended on a positive note. So that reunion was definitely a shock, since he lives in NC.

This weekend is the weekend that I was asked to take a trip of sorts with a certain someone. HAHAHAHAAH Another joke. I can only imagine the drama that would await my arrival on that one. If not that, the drama that would follow once I returned back to VA. I'll pass. And to tell me about the situation a friend had going on on this very same trip that is OHHHH so similar to the b.s. going on with this person, cracks me up. This whole scenerio is getting old. Time to fess up to what I Know....but I have to do it right and at the right moment to get the best ending effect. Everytime I think about the time and efforts made for this person and to know that a bulk of this time was built around lies...it makes me ill.

I think I need to start back writing on a regular. It seems to help me cope with alot of things that I am going through, dealing with, or feeling at that time. My next subject will be that based on a relationship with a certain guy who has been in my life for a longgggggggggggggg time. There has been breaks in between but we've always seemed to find one another again someway and somehow. This last break was very long and I thought maybe this was it, but it wasn't. Recently he opened up to me and told me some very deep stuff and then felt bad about telling me, thinking it would change things. Well unlike alot of immature and ignorant people, I tend to grow closer to someone who can open up and let me into their inner most feelings and thoughts. I myself am not that open, but when I feel close enough to someone that I feel the need and/or desire to spill my heart out to them, it says ALOT. Too many times has this been taken for granted. I always say the truth hurts, but it's the right thing to do. The saying that it's better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who you aren't...is beyond true. I've come to realize that alot of people are quick to tell you that they will always be there for you and all this, because it's something conditioned into people's heads to say...but when the chips fall down, we all see that there are very few genuine people who truly stick around through thick and thin. I value those friends who have stuck by me through some of my most TRYING times. Times that many of my close friends still weren't allowed in on, not because I didn't trust them, but because it really didn't deal with anything that I felt they could help me with. It kinda makes no sense looking from the outside, but it makes alot of sense from the inside.

I also need to re-think this whole super OPEN MINDED TOYA phase. It's really not what it's cracked up to be and it's way harder than I thought. I am really breaking down some of my own desires and wants and I think I'm allowing myself to 'settle' once again for things that in the long run, aren't going to work out because I know deep down, it's not something for me. Some things...maybe...but others...no way! Might as well face the facts.

So I feel an insomnia night coming on...it's all these thoughts running through my head like freight trains. Thoughts like "I'm hungry", "Why is Jigga so scared of flies now!!?!?", "What am I gonna do tomorrow?" ,"Do I REALLY want to get a new car??", "Why do people say they wanna hang out and then when you offer...NOTHING", "why did I sign up for 4 free voicemail #s"? LOL And why have I been watching "Animal Cops" constantly for like a week now??? Just random thoughts...running through my head!! It's gonna be a long night...and I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow...but until then...it's a wrap on this entry!!!

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