It's been awhile

Didn't realize I hadn't blogged in almost 6 months. WOW....it's funny how it really hasn't been much going on or changes yet SO MUCH is different. Since over half the year is gone, I can say 2013 has been on the positive side for me and those around me. I've seen alot of new beginnings, new relationships, new friendships, and new experiences. I've also seen NEW attitudes and NEW personas pop up out of others. And to those people, I have to go Sweet Brown....and I have no time for that! It's funny. Me and a few of my friends joke about starting a Private Investigators company. It's so amazing how much I see, hear, find out, and KNOW that people think I don't. It also amazes me how people lie when it's not even necessary. Why do people offer up lies? Come up outta nowhere with a lie when nobody cares or asked. Oh...that's right...it's to get attention. I'm low key. Never been one asking for or seeking attention. Usually when you out there seeking it in the thirstiest of ways, you end up getting the kind of attention that you DO NOT want. To those Sahara Desert thirsty a$$ chicks/dudes....I feel for you. Good luck with that. Right now, I'm just working, working, and more working. The school thing has kinda been on hiatus for a few months. Just not focused but I'll get back to it when it starts getting cold. At least that's the plan. Not much else to really report. In need of a getaway, if it's only for a quick weekend or hell...just a day would do me some good right about now. Guess I better try to work on that. Guess I'll end here until motivation hits me to speak on something else....right now..I'm drawing a blank! :-) Until next time.... (which I will try not to make it another 5+ months) I really need to write more. It's my emotional outlet and Lord knows I have alot of hidden emotion and thoughts I need to express. Just not right now. *sigh*

Still alive and well...

So I haven't blogged in a minute. Been quite busy. Celebrated my birthday pretty much all of January so I was away living life. 2013 has been interesting thus far, to say the least. Already learned quite a few lessons and reaffirmed my beliefs in other things that I already know. When people show you who they are...believe it. Never been one to have blinders on....I just sometimes tend to TRY to give the benefit of the doubt (not as much as most others) but clearly I have to reduce that even further. People are a TRIP!!!! There's been alot weighing heavy on my mind lately. I've always been pretty private when it comes to really really deep things. Not one of much emotion, I've never been really open about the worst of the worst when it comes to me. Always being the EAR for others....I tend to not really open up about my deepest and darkest of thoughts. Very few know my entire struggle. My ups and downs. My experiences. What has made me the person they've grown to know and probably not exactly understand. Yes I have a few people that I can clearly confide in..and I have but it's like I have certain people who know some things and others who know others. Only 1 or 2 actually know pretty much all I deal with mentally...emotionally. I don't know how healthy that is...but I guess it's better than having nobody at all. Life is just funny sometimes....the way things fall into place. People come and go..and some come back again. Things you didn't notice before...feelings you never paid attention to...feelings you THOUGHT you had. Crazy how it all works! I'm taking it all one day at a time. Hopefully my mind will be clear soon. I need a vacation. That's a start. Some time away from the familiar and same ol' same ol' surroundings that only add to my frustration and stress. It's time for a serious CHANGE. New experiences..new people. Something has to give!

2012 - My Year Review

So 2012 was definitely full of ups and downs. Can't really say that it goes down as a BAD year but I definitely wouldn't say it was good either. As always my year starts with my birthday and all the festivities surrounding it for pretty much the entire month of Jan. I had a ball with those close to me as usual. A few weeks later I spent an amazing weekend in Myrtle Beach in which the weather was shockingly AMAZING for the last week in Jan. We wore t-shirts and could even wear flip flops. That was definitely RIGHT ON TIME. A much needed getaway (although super quick) for someone who hasn't gone anywhere or done anything outside of my norm in almost 2 years. SMH Just stuck in Richmond.....which is enough to drive you insane. I was also stuck working at a place I HATED....despised...LOATHED. But somebody bigger than me KNEW it was my time to go and that year stint ended on April 24th. Even with the drama surrounding that situation...it was one of the best things to happen. I got a 2 month "mental vacation" but I was till COVERED. No worries because I knew everything would work out exactly how it was supposed to. Started my new job in June,and although the hours were crappy....I worked with them and eventually even that ended up in my favor. I'm glad to be somewhere where speaking up is rewarded and not used against you to say that you are NEGATIVE. That always kills me...don't keep asking people to speak up, give opinions, etc....then when someone does and sees HOLES in your plans and routine do you try to flip it and turn it into you not being flexible and negative. WTF? Whatever.... *brushes shoulder off* Again...I'm good. I kind of hated the last hours and the weekend days, but soon other things in my life would change where those hours didn't really make much of a difference. So it's all good. Now I have a middle of the day shift pretty much that allows me time to handle my business b4 work and some after if need be. Another downer of the year is after having no seizures at all since June 8th of 2011....Jigga (my dogchild) started having seizures once again in Sept. Thought we were totally on track, but now we are back to playing guessing games to find triggers, medicine to regulate, etc. He's now on 4 medicines a day/twice a day. Alot of drugs for his 11.5 lb self...but he's still crazy as ever. Fast forward to now as I type this....things are truly looking up. It's been a year of learning experiences. Learning who some people TRULY are and even more about myself. I've discovered that I truly have more emotion/feeling that I have previously had, but I also know that I still hold plenty of strength and power to live and let go regardless of what I feel. Some people will never get it! When do people grow up and decide that the games, the immaturity, and being a hoe is DEAD. After a certain age, it's not cute. When you are old and lonely....you can take the blame for that. Playing the field only gets you temporary fixes when you could settle/commit and have it permanently. But I guess that's too much like right. But hey...if you don't want games and players...you don't hang around the playground. I don't go LOOKING but I definitely wouldn't be there trying to find happiness. With only 4 days left in 2012, I think this was the year I needed to teach me valuable lessons. Believe me, I've paid attention. I'm going into 2013 with a whole new mindset and looking forward to a great year, surrounded by great people. No longer allowing the laziness and lack of motivation of others effect me and mine. Another thing I've done differently is do me...I don't always need someone else around to have a good time. I've gone out on a limb a few times and headed out with individuals I probably normally wouldn't and had the best times. Keeping an open mind truly does open up a whole new world of opportunity. So 2013...I'm ready for you and all that you shall bring. New life..new laughs..new LOVE :-) Let's get, get, get, it!!!!!!

Being strong has pros and cons

Being a strong person comes with it's downfalls. Some people don't know how to react when you are really going through something or feeling a certain way and ACTUAL share these thoughts, feelings, experiences. Some people can't take you serious at all. I have fallen into this situation way too often recently. I have a few people who know all my struggles and have definitely kept me sane more times than I can count...but there are way more who only know bits and pieces. There's so much more to my story and my strength than most know. Do I usually keep my guard up...yep! Do I tend to put a gate/fence/wall up around my feelings..yep! Have I gotten better...YES..way better but the end result unfortunately has been the results I have wanted to avoid and thus put me back into that place of why even bother. Nothing worse than being on the same page (or so you think) with someone and then finding out you are in two different versions of the same freakin' book. UGHHHH Mutual understandings and thoughts on something...yet ____________ nothing! So despite the attempts to open up.......I think it's safe to say...I'll keep up the gate but actually put a locked entrance...very few will gain entry...that's for sure. It's like how do you get advice and support when you are always the one giving it to others. Taking your own advice doesn't really provide much comfort...because your advice was to "open up" in the first place. *SIGH* Life....one day at a time. No turning back. Eye on the prize. Yea all that "sounds" good....but at the end of the day....it feels like sh** even to the strongest person. Thank God for a BFF that steps in with the greatest advice and set of ears no matter the issue..the time..or the day. Whether it's been hours..days..or months since we last spoke. He knew what he was doing when he brought us back together. In due time.......

It's been a long time....

Been a little while since I last blogged. Life's just been very busy for me lately. Working crazy 2nd shift hours..doing 10, 11, and 12 hour shifts. All that work and trying to get in some play time in between has consumed me. To add to that, I'm also doing classes for a web design certificate program. Doing websites has always been my passion and I stopped when I lost my creative niche a few years back. After having quite a few people wanting me to do sites for them for church, blogs, businesses, etc and turning them down because it had been SO long and I didn't feel comfortable with my skill level...I knew it was time to get back into it. So that's what I'm currently doing. No real time for REAL studies so I'm doing it through Penn Foster. Which isn't really that shabby. It allows me to go at my own pace...which is great. Although I started out about a month ahead of their suggested schedule and I'm currently about a week and a half behind. I plan to fix that though. Now that my schedule has changed somewhat to more normal. The only thing that's still not back in my regular routine is working out and I'm really hating that. I will have to find and make time where I can to get back on it! Not too much other interesting stuff to report. Just living life..taking things day by day. Making changes to make life better! It's been a crazy year...but I think things are starting to look up and work in my favor. Although some things haven't turned out like I would like..other things are happening and I am ever so grateful. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way in order for things to happen for you. I've moved from in front of my own life chances and now allowing things to fall into place.

No time for it....

I've come to realize that I just don't have time for alot of things. Not just the fact that my work hours are ridiculous and I'm currently doing online classes....I just lack the desire or patience to DEAL WITH alot of things. Some things I've been able to ignore at times or just take it as it is because that's what I'm "used to". Some I've never been too keen on putting up with but at some point you just have to. For example, half a$$ friends. I have no use for you in my life currently. Like seriously, if you only come around (and by this I mean reach out at all) when it's convenient only to you or beneficial to you....seriously..you can go ----> THAT WAY! I can do bad all by myself.

I also don't have time for immaturity. Never have....yea and most definitely never will. I'm grown and I can barely deal with kids doing childish things....so I most definitely will not standby and deal with an adult acting like they are toddlers. Tantrums, being needy, playing games,..... yea those type things. If this is how you roll, just steer clear of me and mine.

Stupidity in general. Yea I can't deal. Some things are just obvious. It's basically a flood outside...umbrellas everywhere...you ask is it raining? Yea that type of stupidity....expect a smart a$$ SARCASTIC response. Yea I can't expect everyone to be as intelligent as I am on certain things, but there is a certain level of KNOWLEDGE that I believe everyone should possess unless they have been deemed clinically/medically slower than others.

Games -- yea I barely play video games and board games aren't my style...so the mind games, emotional games, bullsh@t games.....nope. Not gonna be able to do it. It's alot of this going around these days. Why bother? Who benefits from this...especially when you aren't a good player of the game(s) you try and play. Keep it moving!!!

I also don't have time hearing problems over and over in which advice is requested and yet the same behavior and nonsense continue. Please save it. You must like dealing with the drama or situation otherwise you would change something. If you like it..then I love it. I'll listen but please don't expect words of comfort or "friendly advice" once we've discussed the exact same thing maybe twice. I'm done with it. Until YOU decide to change it...you are accepting things the way they are. So it is what it is.....deal with it!

I have no time for needy individuals looking for handouts but never willing to work for anything themselves. These same people are the ones who never want to help anybody else either. It's one thing to scratch my back and I scratch yours...but seriously....have you even TRIED to help yourself??? I can't do NOTHING FOR YA MAN *in my Flavor Flav voice* I have no time for clingy people..go away...don't you have some other friends or people you can harass or worry all day! Is your name Saran...as in Saran Wrap?!?! GTFOH!!!!! Like a damn gnat in the ear!!!

I have no time for copy cats. In the words of my girl Lil Kim..."get your own SH*T, why you ridin' mine?" I've always been this way..never liked people close to me to have exactly what I had. It works my nerves. Everything I get...you get. Everything I say, you say. Really!?!?! You can't like EVERYTHING I like...EVERYTHING I eat....EVERY move I make..you gotta make it to. Come on....BE YOU! God wanted it that way otherwise you would've been me!


I guess that's all I care to vent about today Blog World. Until next time......XOXOXOX "SMOOCHES"

I Find It Funny....

...that you do all you can for certain people. A true ride or die....pretty much available to them at any given moment 24/7. But you know who seems to reap all the good benefits...someone else. Who isn't genuine. Whose motives are something totally bogus. That's not really out for this person's own good. Of course, as they say...you don't miss your well until the water runs dry. So when YOU are no longer available is when these certain individuals realize what they had or could've had. I refuse to be that person. I do all I can for those I care about..but when it becomes an uneven situation...it's time to back away. Time to use my resources on a better investment.

I also find it funny that people (who call themselves friends mind you) always seem to find time to do stuff with others and never feed them the bulls**t stories that you always seem to get. Like I'm really not hurt by this...however do me a favor and just keep it real. I've learned to already expect you not to come through with your end of the bargain...so do us both a favor and save the lies for someone else.

Yea...quite funny that the ones who will often times help you the most when you are down are the ones you don't get alot of time with. That you'd probably least expect to reach out a hand. Through my own recent experiences..it was truly shocking to me the people that SAID they were there ...don't hesitate to ask for ANYTHING..knowing damn well I never ASK for anything..yet knowing what was what....offered nothing. Not even their time. So with that said....as they do with the weakest link....some had to be dismissed. It is what it is. My circle is becoming transparent because I have no time for part time or past time friends...what are past time friends...the ones who are only around when they have nothing to do and need some entertainment. Sorry I didn't apply for that job and don't want it. You either with me or you can do without me. I'm done obligating myself to others who clearly could care less about what is really going on with me. My life must go on and WITHOUT certain individuals. I wish them all well with their selfish motives and ways.

Don't know about you...but MY time is precious!

Time is what we want most, but... what we use worst. ~William Penn

There's very few things I despise more than to have my time misused or wasted. Time is something you can't get back. So trust that if I am giving you some of MY time, it says alot. Anytime someone is willing to give up or to give you something that cannot be replaced it shouldn't be taken lightly. It's like being handed over a family heirloom or a personalized item. It can never be recreated. When it's gone, it's gone. So why must people who are given time not appreciate it and treat it as something that can not be given back?!?! If you say you are going to do something, DO IT! If plans change and you can not follow through....then LET SOMEBODY KNOW! I can't stand waiting on anybody as is...but to be waiting on something that isn't going to transpire at all...when all the while the other party knew they were not going through with the original plan. I personally don't get it and I never will. What kills me even more is that people I deal with KNOW how I value my time. Being on time is LATE to me. I like being early to everything, so to be late or to just not do something at all with my time that was prearranged is grounds for friendship dismissal or at least a good cursing out. Maybe "you" don't value your time and you don't care when people cancel plans on you without notice...however, I do. A little consideration goes a long way. All the while you lollygagging and/or not doing what you said you were doing, I'm left wondering IF things are still going down....missing out on OTHER opportunities or the chance to find your replacement. I know that some people just like to beat their gums...and like to say that they are going to do things even knowing when they say it that they aren't trying to do a daggone thing. Usually you can already say....I'm not even counting on that to happen. It's the wishy washy people for which I speak of. When it's something to benefit them in someway...they THERE. When it's not......you never know what to expect. And I shouldn't have to contact YOU at the time of meetup/leaving/whatever to see what the status is to be given some bogus information. Information that says to be....you've known ALL day or at least for hours that this was the case. Why did you not say something before now? Or you miraculously remember you already had plans....REALLY!?!?!? How did you forget your sister's bday party??? REALLY? Something of that importance you just HAPPENED to forget was the day you made plans with me. Alrighty then......

What About Your Friends!?!?!

Man...life as you know it can change in the blink of an eye. This is truly an understatement. Without so much going into specifics to keep my nerves on edge and my anger under wraps...I will just say that the things I've been dealing with lately have DEFINITELY showed me who is really and truly my friend and out to see me succeed and do good. Let me first state that SILENCE speaks volumes. It's one thing to not know what to say specifically, but to not reach out and say ANYTHING when something is clearly wrong or you KNOW something is going on says A LOT for YOU as a so called friend to someone. If you have to just ask how they are doing or if anything is needed...leave it at that. And if you pretty much know you have something stupid to say, definitely SAVE IT! Stick to the basics and be done with it, but at least let the person know you are concerned and THERE. Secondly, don't say shit because it sounds good and having no intentions of keeping your side of this bargain. If you need ANYTHING, don't hesitate to ask. Hmmm okay...maybe you need to be specific on this. Maybe you shouldn't say ANYTHING....if you are only there to get info on the situation(s)....(excuse me to LISTEN)..then say if you need to talk, I'm here. If you plan to provide no kind of support or assistance, please refrain from saying anything at all. When you already keep a small circle and you realize how not reliable those few are. When you got people who barely know you helping you out more than your so called RIDE or DIE friends. When you get random texts or offers just to "clear your head" from people you haven't talked to in forever, that you expect to be the last person to even hear from, yet those who REALLY know the entire picture and story go on as if nothing is going on... I SEE A PROBLEM. But you live and you learn! This lesson is indeed one I have earned a MASTERS in. There are some people who are about to be in for a rude awakening. I had your back before....but now I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. This is one bridge you burned, tore down, and just left to rot. Find a new way over....because this route is CLOSED!!! I'm going to be just fine! Thanks to those who really have my back and have been grinding and connecting right along with me to try and help with my struggle. Seriously ready to just pick up and start over elsewhere.....new places and new faces. Out with the old and in with the new!! I think it's time. You're going to miss me when I'm gone!! Believe that!

The One That Got Away

Ever have a time in your life when you must decide between this or that? Whether it be an outfit, a destination, a job, a plan, a person. We all have. And how often do we think we just might have chosen the WRONG one. Didn't think things through completely!?! Yea yea...I know..everything happens for a reason...so if you were MEANT to make that choice or what not then that's what would have went down. YADDA YADDA YADDA. And yea I know if it's meant to be it'll come back around....okay so what if it does? And you STILL let it slip away!?! I can say I've been there and done that. All the what ifs, could've, should've, would've BS always rings back. Thinking about how different life might be had this occurred or had I said this or done things this way. Yet I realize..it is what it freakin' is. And can't beat myself up for passing up what I THINK just might have been an opportunity for something better...greater....SUPER!!! Sometimes we fail to look at the bigger picture though. The lessons we would not have learned had things turned out another way. The people we would not have met along the way had we dealt with the "other person". Life is amazing..it's tough...not doubt it's a bitch!!! But hey we all gotta live it...ONE DAY AT A TIME! I realize I've made the choices I've made in life for one reason or another. Not for others but for me...and although I can say some of those I've kinda had a little regret about. It's no point in dwelling on those decisions nor the past. What's meant for me will happen...not when I am ready for it to happen but whenever it's supposed to happen. I'm ready for it...whatever it is. I just hope it's ready for me!! :-) I know what I WANT out of life and I know that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get those things. Some are just out of my reach or aren't just up to me. Some require to cooperation and mutual understanding of others. Once they get on board...the "ship" can sail the high seas! ALL ABOARD!!!!!!


SN: Yes this entry was kinda sorta all over the place....but hey..so are my thoughts and feelings at the moment. It's like that sometimes.