End of the Year Wrap Up

So what do I have to say about 2010...personally it was a pretty good year for the most part. Every year seems to start a bit shaky for me and then level itself out and then toward the end of the year...more b.s. Maybe it's just the holidays. Who knows. I've learned alot about myself and even more about the people who have been around me. Some who WERE a part of my circle I guess you could say, some who ARE now in the circle, and some who just didn't make the cut. I've grown and changed alot in these 356 days. I've opened up more to the people close to me. I've done things I needed to do and wanted to do but made excuses for not doing them or just never had the motivation to do it. I've had alot of fun times in 2010. I can definitely say that. But with the good there is always some bad....for the new friendships and relationships came the dismissed friendships and relationship. There were stressful times that I never thought I'd get over. There was my accident in August in which I thought my car was totaled which would've been more drama that I needed at that time. Thankfully it wasn't..just $5000+ in damage. *sigh* But hey, that's what insurance is for. I seen people close to me lose their lives at a time most deem too soon. My cousin was almost one of them but thankfully God spared her and she is recovering at lightning speed. She's still here and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful for that or my own waking up to see another day.

Not only did 2010 provide me plenty of answers to things, but it also added to my confusion about certain other things. Just when I think I have it all figured out, something new rears it little head. Intuition kicks in. Curiosity springs up. More questions....less answers. I just go with the flow...that's all I can do. What's going to be will be. One thing I do not do...is dwell on things. No longer will I stress over the impossible, the unimaginable, the unthinkable, or the unknown. People are going to do what they want to do, when they want to do them. It would definitely be nice to have a clear answer and understanding to others motives and what they want....but sometimes it just doesn't happen like that. But hey...what can you do??? I'm going to do the only thing I can do... LIVE TOYA'S LIFE!!! Nobody else can...

I'm thinking 2011 will be a good one. No scratch that....I'm CLAIMING a good year in 2011. More fun..more family time...and most importantly..more doing things for me, myself, and I. I have neglected myself long enough to do for others. I'll still help those that I can when I can, but I have to do more looking out for me. I deserve it. I can always depend on me!

Happy Thanksgiving.....

First off I must say....d#@! those holiday texts sure are annoying. It used to be okay when I only got like 4 or 5. But now that I get about 20+ and my battery is already looking sad...I no longer get all hype about them. I don't respond anymore...sorry fam and friends. I'm not ignoring you or being an *itch*, I just get sick of replying to each and every one of you saying the same thing.

Secondly, I am thankful for all that I have and have had in my life. Not to mention what is yet to come. I am not only thankful today, but every day that I wake up on God's green Earth. I guess today is just the day we give it that special attention. I'd be here all day if I had to break down all that I am thankful for...being alive, a job, family, great friends, .... (not in that order). This has been a fairly good year for me. I am happy for that because last year had some serious moments. Don't get me wrong, there has been some hectic and trying times this year but on the whole I'd say 2010 has been pretty good for me. I've been traveling, been more positive, been seeing a lot of people for who they really are, been more open emotionally, and just been DOING ME! It took forever it seems, but I finally made a major move this year and did something I should've done so long ago. I am so happy I finally took that step. Well worth the wait and hopefully it leads to more happy moments in the near and distant future. This year I've stepped back from always doing for everybody else and took some time to do for me! Feels good to treat myself on the regular. I think that will definitely carry over to 2011. :-) I see a lot of big things happening next year (some that I already am aware of.....and others that are just some "wait and sees".) Either way.....if you ask me...I'm Ready!


So yea...I haven't gotten around to finishing up "I Wonder" but it'll be completed before the weekend is over. No post Thanksgiving holiday shopping for me, so I'll have time on my hands.

I Wonder....

So today it finally hit me....the motivation to write. I've had alot on my mind lately and I haven't really expressed it. I've mentioned a few things here and there to certain individuals but for the most part my thoughts have remained that.....just thoughts. So today's writing comes in the form of a poem. Yet another TRUE TO LIFE one at that. Each line represents a feeling pertaining to someone I know or have known in my life. This is MY work. Everything on this blog is under legal copyright. I am the legal copyright owner of all of the information on this blog, unless otherwise noted. No information on this entry or any other entry is to be used, reprinted, or reproduced without prior written consent from me.

:-) Ok, now that that is out of the way...you may proceed....


I WONDER

I wonder if she knows how much I appreciate all she does;
That without her teachings and her lessons, I might’ve stayed the hard head that I was.

I wonder if he knew that I still loved him despite all of the bad;
That I regret missing what ended up being the last opportunity that I had.

I wonder if she knows that she’s as close to me as a sis;
That all the good times and the laughs we had are very greatly missed.

I wonder if he knows that on THAT day he broke my heart;
By making a decision that impacted “us” and tore what was US apart.

I wonder if she knows that I just merely go along;
With all of her lies and falsehoods that flow out of her like a song.

I wonder if he knows about that crush that I once had;
One that I never acted on and now I’m kind of glad.

I wonder if he realizes that we are nothing more than friends;
That we can chill and hang out at times but then that’s where it ends.

I wonder if she realizes that he will never belong to her;
That she is wishing and waiting on something that never will occur.

I wonder if she knows that I admire her strength;
How she has overcome so much and that for her family she’d go to any length.

I wonder if he knows that he is the man of my dreams;
That it’s him I’d spend my whole life with….him –my King and I, his Queen.

I wonder if she knows that I have forgiven but will never forget;
The betrayal and hurt back then; our friendship having to be reset.

I wonder if she knows that none of us are fools;
That we know what’s really good, but we all just play it cool.

I wonder if he knows the potential that we could have had;
That things could’ve gone somewhere…it’s a shame that it went bad.

I wonder why people feel the need to boast, be extra, and explain;
If things were really the way you say…we wouldn’t have to hear it over and over again.




NOTE...this poem is not finished!! I probably should've waited to post it, but whatever. I couldn't wait. I have no patience. What can I say???? Oh..and maybe one day I'll release the names. LOL

So until next time..... to be continued.......

Selfishness

I'm trying to figure out when selfishness became so prevalent amongst people around me. I mean too many people seem to just be out for self or concerned with themselves and seem to not care about the people they CLAIM they love or call their friends. I guess their problems are bigger than everybody elses. I'm not a mind reader so I don't know unless someone speaks on matters at hand. What happened to being concerned about the people you hold dear? I guess this is something I have to add to my list of endangered traits.


When you are down and out....struggling...at a low point..or ill, you sure do find out who really cares about you and is there for you!! Thankful for the handful of individuals who are still ride or die in my book. I definitely been going through some "changes" lately. I don't really let people into my world like that. Yea I blog but I never get too deep into specifics on issues....but know that those who do get the real deal dirt of it all....you are truly someone I cherish in my life and trust (until proven that I can't). It's crazy how often times it's the people you expect the most to be there...AREN'T and those that are there you never would've expected at all. Funny how that works. This thing called life sure is a mystery!

It's time to listen....

It's hard to follow your instincts when what they are telling you is something you just don't want to believe. But when they have almost never steered you wrong.....it's time to start listening. I've been here too many times before and have tried to put those messages aside and see things differently and in the end, the messages were right all along. It just sucks. I'm definitely feeling some type of way right now about a few things and I know I have some decisions to make. Hard decisions!!! This sucks. This is a place I hate to visit and it makes me mad every time something or someone forces me to enter into this place. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm just trying to do me and be happy with life. I don't need unnecessary b.s. or people in my life. If you don't want to be there....be GONE!

Going Outside The Box

I've always been one who has gone "against the grain". Never one to try to fit in with the norm. I pride myself on being "unique". I'd rather be a Grade A version of me than a Grade whatever version of someone else. I hate followers....if it's not Twitter then you shouldn't be trying to FOLLOW anyone. Be yourself. It kills me how people go against their norm to fit in. If you can't be yourself to attract the friends or potential mates that you seek, then TRUST that it's not meant to be.

I like being different. I like to stand out in my own special ways. I don't have to act like, walk like, talk like, be like, nor do the things that my FRIENDS do. Real friends respect your differences. Yes, there are certain aspects of myself that I see in my friends that makes them my friends....and then there are things in which we vary on opinion on....music, movies, clothing, MEN, events...it's just the way of life.

A lot of my TRUE personality (likes..wants...desires) are probably a shock to people when they really begin to feel me out and get to know me. I always get the ol "you don't look the type"...whatever that means. *smh* It sometimes cracks me up when people find out things about me. lol Even more funny when assumptions are made based on very little knowledge of me. But hey, that's why people shouldn't assume anything.

Well as I get older, I find myself going outside the box more and more. I never want to limit myself and staying within a "box" definitely limits the possibilities and probably blocks out alot of opportunity. Recently, I have been learning a great deal about myself and more and more I have come to realize what I want out of life and my future. It's time to really step my game up and start really living life to the fullest. Tomorrow isn't promised and I have to make moves and do things that I haven't done in order to get things I haven't gotten. Time to go for mine....step out on faith and go for what I truly deserve and want. Time to put on my big girl shoes and walk this walk. I think I can....I think I can. I have accomplished quite a few things in 2010 that should've been done a longggg time ago, however, better late than never. Time to keep on this path and continue to make changes in myself and my actions in order to get the results that I am seeking. If you ask me.....I'm READY!! Let's go!

I love me some you

"You" have always kept the motivation to succeed within me. Never doubting that I could do anything that I put my mind to. Kept pushing and pushing even when the roads have gotten rough and tough or different obstacles have stood in the way. "You" have been strong when others around have not when life has dealt hands that weren't always so easy to play. When it seems there was nobody there to pick me up.."you" always brought the desire and strength to get back up. For this and so many other reasons....I love "you" dearly! Without "you"...I am nothing. You are my biggest fan. As long as you believe in me and God is by my side...then I know I can move forward with any and everything that I put my mind to. So yes...I have no problem saying it...admitting it...and letting those who question it.....I LOVE YOU!!!

Because......

YOU = ME

Yes, in order to love anyone else or to receive the love of another, you must first love yourself! Despite my modest ways and thoughts....I have plenty of love for myself. If I can't love me...how can I expect anyone else to. My esteem is not high but best believe it is not low. I don't think I am better than anybody else but I do give myself props when deserved. I believe in ME and my decisions. I must say, yes...I do have some regrets in life but they were all lessons learned. Every day is a learning experience and for the school of hard knocks....which is my life...I'm at the head of the class. I am taking in all surroundings, lessons, and material as to stay on top of my game.

~~ I LOVE ME regardless of whether anyone else chooses too or not!! You can either LOVE ME or LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Featured

Yes, yes.....little ole me has been featured on another blog. I feel special!!! YAYYYYYYY! LOL You can check it out HERE. (*ahem*...that means NOW!!) Big thanks to Elle over at edk.dolce for featuring me and my blog over on her site!!!! She has a great blog and is doing her thing over there. Be sure to check it out!!!

Stuck In The Middle

It sucks being stuck in the middle of most situations. Like when you cut your hair (females) really short and you decide to let it grow back out....that middle stage is a beast. Not being quite long enough for a ponytail but too long and awkward for most styles you would like. Or sitting in the backseat of a car and being in the middle. You can't quite get yourself comfortable because you are on the "hump". You have to awkwardly place your feet, one on each side of the hump on the floor so you just can't get right to save your life. Or being the middle child. They say that's always the hardest. You are too "young" or not quite old enough to hang with the older sibling and then you get annoyed by the youngest. There's also the fact that you are no longer the baby of the family.

What about the middle stage between school and career? Fresh out of college or training and you just can't get the job you want because they all want someone with experience....but how do you ever get it if nobody wants to give you the opportunity to get the experience under your belt. The ways of the world never cease to amaze me.

Let's see...what about a journey from Point A to Point B? The long ride filled with anticipation SUCKS. All of your preparation PRE-trip from Point A to the arrival and enjoyment that is forthcoming POST-trip ...however, that ride TO Point B seems endless and seems like you will never get there.

Relationships are no different. That peculiar stage between friendship and relationship....before being totally committed....SUCKS! Well it sucks when you know what you want for the future with this person. That stage can be defined so differently for different people. The "dating" stage. Do you "date" other people during this stage? Is flirting okay? When are you crossing the line and disrespecting the other person? What expectations can you have or should you have at this point in the situation? What is okay and what is NOT okay? What is allowed and what is not allowed? Do you even have a right at this point to get mad or upset about this or that? Personally I hate this stage. It's like having a dimmer switch on the relationship and turning it high and then low...then medium...then up again. I prefer "OFF" or "ON". There's no confusion of what is what. Some people use this stage as the opportunity to "get their bid in" *side eye* Don't even try it!!! It's always somebody who seems to wait until you have a potential mate to want to creep up off the "bench" and try to get into the game!?! All this time....you didn't have the guts to speak up!?!? Really!?! Its a little too late for that. Personally I feel Unofficially Official. What does that mean? I'm not single....and I'm not taken....but my heart has a RESERVED tag on it. I'm already there......so when the question is asked....my answer is already YES!

Which way to turn? - a mini post

Life will often times lead you to a fork in the road. I am mentally mapping out a future "fork" for which I may have to stroll upon. Do I take the familiar road or do I take the one with the bigger hills and curves that will lead me to a new destination? A destination of chances that could end my fairy tale with Happily Ever After or could it be the path of destruction -- leading to stress, drama, and more of the unknown?!?!? Looking at the decision now, I know which road I want to take. I guess time and the situation/circumstances surrounding this journey will help paint a clearer path and help lead me in the right direction.

I've never been the type of person to go with the norm. Sticking to the "same ol', same ol' " and only doing what is familiar bores me. I don't jump the gun though. I am a planner. I like to plot things out and have an agenda. I need backup plans and alternate routes whenever possible.

I do know where I want to be and I hope that where I want to be is also where I NEED to be and is where I WILL be.... and that place is WHERE MY HEART IS! ;-)