A Closed Mouth Doesn't Get Fed

I remember when I used to hold my tongue. Used to allow people to get to me and hold it all in within letting it be known that I feel a certain type of way about what someone has said or done to me. Those days are pretty much long gone. I think I've grown to be quite outspoken. I tend to verbalize things more than alot of my friends. I feel as though a TRUE friend will respect you for letting them know how you feel about something or for providing a totally accurate and honest opinion on something..especially when you have been asked. I know I feel that way. I respect my FRIENDS and I appreciate their thoughts and opinions. I don't have to do what they suggest or change my way of thinking, but being given another perspective on things is often times a good deal. Having someone looking in from the outside to provide insight is very important. Usually this is an unbiased opinion. Some people can't handle the truth. They prefer a sugarcoated opinion to spare their feelings. Sugarcoating to me is like telling a "little white lie". It might seem okay and that it does no wrong but it's not being 100% real in my opinion.

On the other side of this, I'm not really one to openly express things that I am going through. This is something that I have been working on and is still a work in progress. I know WHY I've usually internalized all of my stresses and times or turmoil. It sometimes feels easier just to deal and not let anybody else in. Certain situations seem better left hidden as to avoid them being used against you in the future. Some are so personal that you wonder who can you REALLY trust with the information. There are so many reasons for thinking that holding things in is the best option. Reality of it all.....it's really not a good idea. Nobody can help you if they don't know you are going through something. You don't know if anybody can help out, if you don't share the problems. Finding someone who is genuine and that seriously cares about you is the real issue. I can say that I have a FEW people that I know I can trust with my life, my emotions, my secrets, my possessions,...and the list goes on. That are there when I need them no matter what. Who know without a word from me that something just isn't right. Although we don't hang out or talk as much as we have in the past, I still know that I can depend on them to be there even if it's just to listen to me discuss something that's happened, to vent, or to get another point of view.

Communication is a major ingredient for any HEALTHY relationship. Family, friends, significant others.....you must TALK things out. How can you expect change or a compromise when you don't discuss that issue? You can't!!! Plain and simple.

A Quickie.....

I haven't posted an entry in a minute. So I figured I'd take a few minutes to talk about what's going on:

Health - been doing pretty good *knock on wood*. Had joined one local gym but then realized that it wasn't cost friendly for me because I wasn't utilizing all it offered. I went for a month and then canceled. No worries...I joined another at the end of June and am on my way to getting where I want to be. Personal trainer assistance and all.

Career - right now this area is a grey one. I have a few decisions I need to make and while I'm in the process of checking up on leads and options, I won't really go into detail. I do, however, feel as if a change is about to come. God willing all things will fall into place as they need to.

Life (in general) - things have been looking UP. Maybe it's my new positive vibe and attitude I have been keeping. I haven't really been stressing over things that I normally would've in the past. Trying to change things up in hopes that outcomes will change. Of course, with new found happiness and optimism comes the DEVIL trying to throw things off track. I was in a car accident on Friday while on my way to handle some important business we shall say. I was not hurt but my car was messed up pretty badly. Car can be fixed (so I hope) but it def. can be replaced and I am thankful that I was not hurt at all. Maybe my pride was and I was a bit shook up...but hey..that comes with the situation. I'm not going to look at that incident as a sign that the business I was going to handle was a bad idea or that it's not the right move to make. Maybe ol' "Lucifer" was trying to block a blessing!?!?! Sometimes you have to take a step back and look at things from a different perspective.

Love - let's just say that I think I am on the right track this time. Some people from the outside looking in see things as "moving quickly"...hmm not really. When it's been 5 months since your last involvement (technically)...but longer for your heart...then it's not moving too fast. (No shade...just speaking from personal thoughts and feelings). There's no time on LOVE or feelings. Especially when this "new" person (or guy in my case) isn't someone "new". We have a veryyyy long history that just never involved dating. We've been friends for over a decade, something I can't say has been the case EVER in the past. Friends First! That's what "they" always say is the best way to start a relationship. I'm hopeful. I've seen changes in myself because of him. > This could be the start of alot of much needed changes for me. Love, Location, and Life. This is an area that is definitely under the radar and it's playing a major role in all that's going on with me. SN: I have been smiling and more happy than I've been in YEARS. That speaks volumes.

Social Life - I've been doing good with getting out and doing things. Spending time with family and friends. Traveling and getting out of Richmond and even V-A(woohoo!!!). Something that has been LONG overdue. Hopefully I will continue this trend of just going out and having fun! It's what I NEED in life. Boredom brings on the pessimism...stress...depression that I have seemed to bypass and leave in the dust.

Miscellaneous - The heat has been unbearable. I prefer heat to snow though. I can't stand being trapped in the house and things being closed and all that, but this heat is crazy. It's like we jumped straight from winter to summer. I don't think we had a good 3 days between using heat and air conditioners. *SMH* Hmmm...what else is new? Nothing really. Sick of people being childish and stupid. It really works my nerves.

Well that does it for this "quickie"......I'll try to do better w/ me posts. TRY! *Smooches*

Happy Father's Day

"The greatest gift I ever had
Came from God; I call him Dad!"
~Author Unknown

Been a minute since I blogged. That's always the case. I've just been on the move and making plans for the distant and not so distant future. Not really ready to speak on it here so I'll keep on keepin' on with this post. As the title suggests, I'd like wo wish a Happy Father's Day to all those (male and female) who have taken on this role in some child's life. Whether it's a father, godfather, brother, uncle, cousin, family friend, mother. etc. This is your day although every day needs to be your day. Everyone needs a father figure in their life. I was fortunate enough to have mine for the first 18 years of my life. I learned a lot of what has made me the independent woman that I am from this man and for this I am ever so grateful. Although he is no longer here, I know he watches over me and helps guide me to do what he'd want me to do.

So "Fathers"...today we celebrate you! :-)

Happy Mother's Day

Just a quick Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers, mothers-to-be, future mothers, dads who act as mothers, or mother figures in any persons life. Today is your day! Even if you just have a pet......it's all about you today so make the most of it. Have a good one!

Feels so good.....

Alot has changed in a matter of a few weeks. Some good and some bad...but hey that's life. You wouldn't recognize the good without experiencing or dealing with the bad, right? So the title of this blog is "Feels so good...". This can apply to so many things right now.

First off, it feels so good to have WARM weather. All of the snow and cold weather was driving me insane. I can't stand it. To miss work or events that I really wanted to attend on TOP of not being able to party the whole month of January like I would have liked reallllyyyy made me mad. But now it is nice out...in fact, it's been quite HOT for this time of the year but trust that I will NOT be complaining.

Second, it feels good to have a circle of friends who UNDERSTAND. Those who know how to go out and have a good time and keep it drama free. Who aren't ready to go as soon as you get to the destination. Who don't complain about any and everything. Who just want to have a good time and are ready and available to do just that at almost the drop of a dime.

Third, it feels good to have those in your life for the long haul. These are not those seasonal or convenient individuals. It is the ones who have been there through all of the trials and tribulations and not just when the times were good. It is for those who although at times for one reason or another (personal life drama, distance, etc...) have not been within arms reach but have still been there if needed. It seems as if they "come back" at the BEST moments. When they are needed the most.

Forth, it feels good to be loved. Genuinely and without stipulation. To be loved and cared about....flaws and all. :-)

Fifth, it feels good to get away.....and that's just what I plan to do. Even if it's just for a day. To step away from it all and be outside of the circle of stress and drama. It's time to start a new chapter and do new things. Like they say (whoever "they" is)....in order to get something you've never had, you have to do something that you've never done. So time for me to step it up and get moving....I'm on my way! ;-)

It feels good to be me right now.....getting it in at the gym! Getting ME right so that I can do all of the things that I desire and NEED to do in my life right now!
Determined to make this year better than expected!

Life is what you make it.....

Life sure can deal you a hand sometimes that you can play so many ways and each one comes with its own set of consequences and outcomes that could impact so many other things. I tend to get these hands ALL of the time. I must say that most of the time, I feel as though I have chosen the right cards. I have thrown out the bad ones and laid them on the table before the game ended. Some cards I could've thrown out sooner than I chose to, but nonetheless they got thrown out. There have been times that I just stopped plucking cards from the deck. So used to the hand I was given and the cards I was used to holding, that I didn't want to take on anything "new". I soon figured out that in life, you have to take certain risks. You have to allow new cards to come into your hand otherwise you might miss out on the cards you need to win the game!

Right now, I'm not sure if I'm playing Spades, Deuces, Poker or what. I feels like I Declare War. Not sure if I should just quit the game or stick it out. The hand I have is stressing me out. Do I cheat the game? Do I keep the cards I have and wait it out? Do I just move on to another game that I'm more used to and that I know I can win? Do I sabotage the game? I'm at a crossroads on this one. I know what my "gut" is TRYING to tell me but there's still yet another voice that says something else.

NOTE: This "game" can be applied to alot of situations I am dealing with at the moment. So those who really KNOW me....don't assume you know which situation this is in reference to. ;-)

On another note, there are a few things irritating the hell out of me right now. One of which are people who will mooch off certain people but then won't do that with others. Like, if you wouldn't do this with your family or certain other friends...why do you think it's all good to do that *ish* with me? These people don't have a problem begging and asking you for this or that or to do this or that...but absolutely won't go to others for it and they are the ones you claim will do anything for you. Okay well take it to them. Also, what's good with these people who do *ish* for show. I guess it's another category to go along with internet gangsters and fake models and CEOs. People who act super nice and so into God or just plain extra when in reality they are doing the most ungodly of things. I don't claim to be a saint and I definitely won't PRETEND to be that way for anyone. I am who I am and God knows exactly what that means. I could definitely improve in plenty of areas and that's a work in progress, but you won't see me putting off a fake persona to cover up the "other" things that I do. There are some CONFUSED individuals walking amongst us. I will pray for them.

Gotta do better

I really suck at keeping this blog updated. I'll set out to post at some point and never get back here. *smh* Ahhh well.

So the weekend has been pretty nice. No snow and plenty of sunshine. When I say that I am ready for Spring....you can't imagine how much. Time goes up an hour next weekend. I'm happy about that too. I don't sleep alot so this extra hour stuff is for the birds. I'm ready for longer days...more sunshine...more time to be productive before the sun goes down. Yesssiiirrr! I am just ready to start really enjoying life without a big coat, scarf, gloves, boots, etc. *rolls eyes*

Right now, I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Been dealing with alot of stress for all different kinds of angles. Work, personal issues, relationship issues, life issues.....it's like when it rains it definitely poors. Felt like I was hit with a tsunami wave of pure drama for a minute. Things are getting better in most areas. I am definitely happy about that. I am trying to plan a few outtings and trips to "get away". It's long overdue and very much deserved.

My other half is in NY right now. Thought I wouldn't really miss him as much as I do. I think you get used to certain things and when it's quiet...it's just weird. I think I miss my nerves being plucked. LOL. I'm used to our fake beefin' and constant checking of one another. It's strange but that's just how we roll. Could I be falling head over heels? The jury is still out on that one. I'm not quick to jump on the Love Boat. So we will just see how things play out. That's my boo though...regardless of our simple petty issues. Better that then the major drama that others go through I guess.

Just an illusion

Some things are clearly not what they seem to be. It's just an interpretation of what you THINK you are seeing. This can be applied to actual events/people/words and the list goes on. Personally, I am speaking about people. You should definitely never judge a book by it's cover. But then you also can't always go by what you encounter with someone in the beginning as being what they are really about. There are definitely some wolves in sheep clothing running around causing havoc. On the other side, you just never know where you will find that "one" or a very good friend. It might not always be how and where you would think. I think my closest friends are probably people that I never thought would be in my life for more than a season or during a period of employment at a certain job, but instead they have grown to be my rocks, my entertainment, my own personal journals that I can tell all my secrets. It's crazy how life works. "Love" definitely doesn't always come in the package that you think it will. If you wait around for the exact size, shape, and wrapping for this package , you just might miss out on the best thing you could ever have. I am so glad I am open minded and not super petty/picky when it comes to certain things...I would probably have missed out on what I have right now. Someone who cares for me unconditionally....excepts me flaws and all (Lord knows I got em...). That deals with my moods and attitude and unemotional self wholeheartedly. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'd probably throw the towel in with me. LOL I've also picked up a few great friends lately. Good vibes flowing...no trickery or phony individuals. I'm so ready for what 2010 has to offer. Despite being sick as the year was brought in....I have faith that it will be a good one and I plan to make the most of it.

Hi Ho Hi Ho..it's off to work I go...

Back to work today. Felt strange. Like it was my first day on a new job. I've been there 5 years so that is definitely not the case. My day started out busy...steady but fine and ended up hectic/stressful and with a headache. It's all good. I can take it! One day at a time! Wooosahhhh! Going to be hard getting back in the swing of full 5 day work weeks since I haven't had one of those in almost 2 months. :-\

My bday is next Tuesday. Can't wait....I slacked on the plans being made hella early this time. This weather in V-A is so shady it's hard to plan anything. I didn't go above and beyond last year like I try to do every year..but I'll have fun nonetheless. I'll be surrounded by the people I love for 2 days and I have a 3 day weekend. So I'm good.

If you've been keeping up with my posts, then there's no super update on Jigga. He's still having seizures. He went from every 2 weeks 1 seizure in the beginning when they started to now he is on 2 medicines and they come a month apart and he has 1 every day for 3 days in a row. Is that better? To me....no! As I type it has been a month and a week. Not a serious milestone because the longest he's gone is a month + 1 week + a day seizure free. I'm hoping that the new medicine (potassium bromide) is in his system well enough now to make a difference. He's maxed out with the pills and they up them anymore but the liquid he has some serious room to play. *fingers crossed* He has gained weight from the meds since 1) he has to eat with the medicine 2) it makes him eat more 3) it causes weight gain. He's 11 lbs. You can't tell unless you saw him smaller, but they say technically he is obese. *side eye* Still looks teeny to me. He just grew into his long legs and his head still the size of a baby apple. HA! Hopefully I'll be able to report the lack of seizures for the next few posts.

Oh yea..before I dip out....this is the update of my list from 2009:

1) a great two day 30th Birthday celebration


2) being in DC for the Presidential Inauguration


3) going to NY to visit the other fam I have up there


4) getting out and doing more fun stuff (less clubbin' more....something else!!)


5) taking a vacation, or 2, or 3


6) settling down *gasp* ....we'll see about this one


7) reaching that 5 year mark at my job. That is an ABSOLUTE first for me... 2.5 years is usually my max @ a place of employment ** UPDATE ** not there yet.. 4 months and 2 days to go!!!


8) a new whip -- this is kinda TOP priority!!

9) Head to the beach in June for my homegirl's bday

10) Go against the grain and see what's good with "him"! -- FAIL!! NOTHING WAS GOOD

11) Write more - the poems clear my mind -- wrote some but not as much as I wanted to

12) Get another part time gig....technically I have 2 side gigs..but yea...I need #3



I didn't do TOO bad! :-)

On To The Next One.....

This post is not about the new Jay Z video either. I have seen it and find it quite strange but hey..it's Jay...expect anything. Now all the Devil worshiping assumptions are on Code Red levels all over the internet. *shrugs* If he does...ahh well. Anywho, my title of this entry is of course about the new year. 2010 is here and I'm glad to be here to see it. 2009 was not so good but not one of the worst for me personally. Nowhere near the drama and emotional drainage as 1997 and 2007 caused. Hollywood lost alot of people last year. It didn't "pay" to be famous. Both young and old, big names and D listers had their lives taken away in one way or another. It was just all so crazy.


So I need to go back to my 2009 list of goals/achievements list I posted and update it some more. See what I actually did that I said I was going to do. Since I don't do resolutions, I just strive to be a better me that's really all I plan to work the most on. There are some things I did have on last year's list that I definitely need to work on this year. Main goal....to take a vacation. A true one. One that takes me from work for a week. I haven't had a true vacation since 1997. Yea....13 years!! WTF!?!?!?! Yea..def. gonna work on that.