Life is what you make it......or is it??

I swear my brain must be swollen right now. So many thoughts running through it right now. It's like life has been dealing me a helluva hand for quite some time. Just when I thought I was headed toward more happy, blissful times...something serious and negative comes along. It's sad when you been through so much, that you look for something bad to happen when you're experiencing so much good. Yea, guess that just means I'm pessimistic. Wonder why!?!? Those close to me know alot of the more serious things I've gone through....my drama began around 1995..and slowly got worse and worse. 1997 was supposed to be MY year....Senior Prom, graduating high school, getting accepted into college, moving away to college, and starting my next phase of schooling....yea all of that happened...but so did the worse thing that has happened to me. It seems from that point on, I've just been through one thing after another. It's like bad luck is my FIRST NAME..forget middle name. It's crazy and I try not to dwell on it, but sometimes I think maybe I was a child abuser or something in a past life and I'm paying for it now or maybe a serial killer. The ultimate sinner...had to have been. I know that God only gives you as much as you can handle, and I have to admit that I am quite a strong person....but sometimes I am just like I don't know how much more I can stand. I have had a few very good spells since 1997...and a FEW is about all I can say.

Bring things up to 2006..9 years later and I feel as if things are turning around. I was at a high point. Enjoying life, family, friends, etc. And slowly as the year progressed....the "good life" began to fade. 2007...10 years curse apparently because this was a very hell filled year. Started out horrible...but my mood was brought up with the help of my family and friends because of my great bday outting. I will NEVER forget that bday. Limo, Pearl Lounge, VIP, broken chair, etc. But I also know that weeks before I was probably lower than I've ever been.

So I am leaving out specifics and details.....well that's how I get down. Yea this is a blog and yea I post my THOUGHTS but some things are better left unknown and unsaid. Those who need to know or needed to know...know what I'm talking about....and those who don't...sorry that you are clueless, but you will alright. :-) I've learned to go with the flow. I know people say alot of things that they don't really mean...like their standards aren't high or they are open minded and are some of the most closed minded people I know. I've changed my perspective on alot of things because I realized that I wasn't as open to new things as I would say that I was. Things that I said I would never deal with or associate myself with, I've tried to not be so 'petty' about.

I've just come to realize...you can't respect the good without going through the bad. I just wonder when the good will stick around for a fairly good time.

(I just realized this post was totally not where I was trying to go....but it'll do for now!!!) *sigh*

The dead have arisen

It's funny how things in life work out....like when you are unemployed and you can't seem to find a job but when you finally get that call and you accept the job....you get all kinds of other job offers!?!? Like when you are single and everything is everything but the minute you decide to settle, everybody wants to confess their love for you. It's wild, but it be like that sometimes. Like currently, I'm in the process of eliminating "dead weight"...people who are serving no real purpose in my life and are probably holding me back from happiness. So I've pulled back and not really reached out to certain individuals in a minute...and BAMMMMMMM....someone from my past resurfaced yesterday. He could fall into the dead weight category for real for real....but I NEVER let him truly fall into that place. WHY!?!?! I truly have no damn idea. I think he is my one true weakness. I can't seem to just take him completely out of my life no matter what. I truly believe he will always be in MY loop...always be my friend....always be someone I am there for when I can be..and does he deserve it? Does he deserve to have me care this much?? To stand by and deal with the b.s. that I have had to endure these past few years? NO!!! I know this....denial is not even in this situation....because I KNOW for a fact that he is bad for me and bad for my life....but like a fiend to the crack pipe...I always go back..with open damn arms and I'm here. Don't get it twisted though...it is purely friendship and has been for quite some time. I'm not gonna front though, it's all love. Can't be no other explanation.

People never cease to amaze me!!

I had a great day/night, yet I am feeling quite uneasy, why....because people do some crazy, inconsiderate, and downright selfish shit!!! I don't care to elaborate....but the bullshit is getting old!!

D**n I love this man....

There's no doubt in my mind that it's love.....okay....maybe just an obsession. LOLLLLL!!!!

Sundays......Day of Rest

So Hanna came and went without too much damage. She did,however, put a damper on my weekend plans. Yea, I could've still gone out, but the sitting and waiting to see exactly how long she'd be around or what damage would be done just totally killed all motivation that I even had to go out. Two weekends pretty much gone down the drain. Well partially. My Labor Day weekend wasn't a total bust. Just the 1st half. I did enjoy the last 2 days...okay well maybe 1 of the 2...because Labor Day was....an experience to say the least.

I swear some people are just not what you think they are when you really spend time with them sometimes. You can form a perception of people from texting, chatting, talking on the phone, seeing them briefly, but to be one on one with them can sometimes give you a wholeeeeeeee new picture. You see things more clearly. It's amazes sometimes how wrong you can be.

And why are young people so 'old' now a days?? I don't mean little kids being grown. I mean young adults and twenty somethings acting like their 50 years old?!?!?! It amazes me how many people YOUNGER than I am, just stay cooped up in the house and never go anywhere. I mean, yea I know everyone doesn't go to clubs. I get that and I totally understand, but there are some people that I know that you just can't simply get them out of the house period. A nite out for drinks or dinner and a movie...nothing. Excuse after excuse of why they can't or couldn't. I just never got that and probably never will. Yes, some are "on lock" and others just are boring people I suppose. I guess I will never understand because I plan to not be in either of the 2 categories. "On lock" meaning having a significant other who has a problem with their guy/girl hanging out and thus doesn't "allow" them to. That just blows me. Now is the time to live your life. People are dying left and right and younger and younger. I want to have all the fun I can now while I am able to. I don't want to grow old and look back at my life and all I have to talk about is what I could've or should've done. The time is NOW!! Time to live and let live. People are always trying to hold other people back from things...and why??

Kind of went off on a tangent, but it's all good. Sunday's bring out all kinds of thoughts in my head. Sunday is usually my day that I finally get rest. I don't sleep much at all, and Sunday I try to catch up on the lost hours from the previous week. But Sunday night....INSOMNIA sets in. Maybe it's because I know my dreaded work week starts again the next day and reality sets in that my weekend is TRULY over?!?! Maybe. I don't know. I just know it's my day to think of all kinds of deep and crazy stuff. :-)

Time to get something to snack on and prepare for these lame azz VMA's on MTV.

Why Should You Choose Me???

Why Should You Choose Me

Why should you choose me
When so many others out there
Show everything they have to the world
So fast and freely without care

Why should you choose me
Knowing that I hold it all in
That I've dealt with so much loss
And have so much pain deep within

Why should you choose me
The girl who'd rather be outside playing ball
Than walking around with a Louie Bag
Or going shopping at the mall

Why should you choose me
Miss Independent -- who doesn't need YOU
Who holds is down working like a slave
Keeping three jobs, or at least two

Why should you choose me
To be your ride or die
That holds you down when no one else will
And probably wouldn't even try

Why should you choose me
To be right there by your side
Through thick and thin, no matter what
A love so great..you can not hide

Why should you choose me
The one with all the hidden flaws
That follows most of the rules
And abides by her own set of laws

Why should you choose me
And give up all the others in your stable
Am I worth beginning a new chapter?
Do you know what I bring to the table?

Why should you choose me
The one who prefers sneakers to heels
The one that has more guy friends than girls
That doesn't always tell you how she feels

Why should you choose me
You wouldn't understand it if I tried
To tell you in my own words...
So I'm leaving it up to you to decide!




© 2008 LaToya Jones. You steal, you pay! Believe that!

48 Laws of Power

Got this in an email.....pretty interesting!!!
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The 48 Laws of Power

by Robert Greene and Joost Elffers

Law 1

Never Outshine the Master

Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity. Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.

Law 2

Never put too Much Trust in Friends, Learn how to use Enemies

Be wary of friends-they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make them.

Law 3

Conceal your Intentions

Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. If they have no clue what you are up to, they cannot prepare a defense. Guide them far enough down the wrong path, envelope them in enough smoke, and by the time they realize your intentions, it will be too late.

Law 4

Always Say Less than Necessary

When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control. Even if you are saying something banal, it will seem original if you make it vague, open-ended, and sphinxlike. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.

Law 5

So Much Depends on Reputation – Guard it with your Life

Reputation is the cornerstone of power. Through reputation alone you can intimidate and win; once you slip, however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked on all sides. Make your reputation unassailable. Always be alert to potential attacks and thwart them before they happen. Meanwhile, learn to destroy your enemies by opening holes in their own reputations. Then stand aside and let public opinion hang them.

Law 6

Court Attention at all Cost

Everything is judged by its appearance; what is unseen counts for nothing. Never let yourself get lost in the crowd, then, or buried in oblivion. Stand out. Be conspicuous, at all cost. Make yourself a magnet of attention by appearing larger, more colorful, more mysterious, than the bland and timid masses.

Law 7

Get others to do the Work for you, but Always Take the Credit

Use the wisdom, knowledge, and legwork of other people to further your own cause. Not only will such assistance save you valuable time and energy, it will give you a godlike aura of efficiency and speed. In the end your helpers will be forgotten and you will be remembered. Never do yourself what others can do for you.

Law 8

Make other People come to you – use Bait if Necessary

When you force the other person to act, you are the one in control. It is always better to make your opponent come to you, abandoning his own plans in the process. Lure him with fabulous gains – then attack. You hold the cards.

Law 9

Win through your Actions, Never through Argument

Any momentary triumph you think gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.

Law 10

Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky

You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as disease. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

Law 11

Learn to Keep People Dependent on You

To maintain your independence you must always be needed and wanted. The more you are relied on, the more freedom you have. Make people depend on you for their happiness and prosperity and you have nothing to fear. Never teach them enough so that they can do without you.

Law 12

Use Selective Honesty and Generosity to Disarm your Victim

One sincere and honest move will cover over dozens of dishonest ones. Open-hearted gestures of honesty and generosity bring down the guard of even the most suspicious people. Once your selective honesty opens a hole in their armor, you can deceive and manipulate them at will. A timely gift – a Trojan horse – will serve the same purpose.

Law 13

When Asking for Help, Appeal to People’s Self-Interest,

Never to their Mercy or Gratitude

If you need to turn to an ally for help, do not bother to remind him of your past assistance and good deeds. He will find a way to ignore you. Instead, uncover something in your request, or in your alliance with him, that will benefit him, and emphasize it out of all proportion. He will respond enthusiastically when he sees something to be gained for himself.

Law 14

Pose as a Friend, Work as a Spy

Knowing about your rival is critical. Use spies to gather valuable information that will keep you a step ahead. Better still: Play the spy yourself. In polite social encounters, learn to probe. Ask indirect questions to get people to reveal their weaknesses and intentions. There is no occasion that is not an opportunity for artful spying.

Law 15

Crush your Enemy Totally

All great leaders since Moses have known that a feared enemy must be crushed completely. (Sometimes they have learned this the hard way.) If one ember is left alight, no matter how dimly it smolders, a fire will eventually break out. More is lost through stopping halfway than through total annihilation: The enemy will recover, and will seek revenge. Crush him, not only in body but in spirit.

Law 16

Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor

Too much circulation makes the price go down: The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you more talked about, even more admired. You must learn when to leave. Create value through scarcity.

Law 17

Keep Others in Suspended Terror: Cultivate an Air of Unpredictability

Humans are creatures of habit with an insatiable need to see familiarity in other people’s actions. Your predictability gives them a sense of control. Turn the tables: Be deliberately unpredictable. Behavior that seems to have no consistency or purpose will keep them off-balance, and they will wear themselves out trying to explain your moves. Taken to an extreme, this strategy can intimidate and terrorize.

Law 18

Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself – Isolation is Dangerous

The world is dangerous and enemies are everywhere – everyone has to protect themselves. A fortress seems the safest. But isolation exposes you to more dangers than it protects you from – it cuts you off from valuable information, it makes you conspicuous and an easy target. Better to circulate among people find allies, mingle. You are shielded from your enemies by the crowd.

Law 19

Know Who You’re Dealing with – Do Not Offend the Wrong Person

There are many different kinds of people in the world, and you can never assume that everyone will react to your strategies in the same way. Deceive or outmaneuver some people and they will spend the rest of their lives seeking revenge. They are wolves in lambs’ clothing. Choose your victims and opponents carefully, then – never offend or deceive the wrong person.

Law 20

Do Not Commit to Anyone

It is the fool who always rushes to take sides. Do not commit to any side or cause but yourself. By maintaining your independence, you become the master of others – playing people against one another, making them pursue you.

Law 21

Play a Sucker to Catch a Sucker – Seem Dumber than your Mark

No one likes feeling stupider than the next persons. The trick, is to make your victims feel smart – and not just smart, but smarter than you are. Once convinced of this, they will never suspect that you may have ulterior motives.

Law 22

Use the Surrender Tactic: Transform Weakness into Power

When you are weaker, never fight for honor’s sake; choose surrender instead. Surrender gives you time to recover, time to torment and irritate your conqueror, time to wait for his power to wane. Do not give him the satisfaction of fighting and defeating you – surrender first. By turning the other check you infuriate and unsettle him. Make surrender a tool of power.

Law 23

Concentrate Your Forces

Conserve your forces and energies by keeping them concentrated at their strongest point. You gain more by finding a rich mine and mining it deeper, than by flitting from one shallow mine to another – intensity defeats extensity every time. When looking for sources of power to elevate you, find the one key patron, the fat cow who will give you milk for a long time to come.

Law 24

Play the Perfect Courtier

The perfect courtier thrives in a world where everything revolves around power and political dexterity. He has mastered the art of indirection; he flatters, yields to superiors, and asserts power over others in the mot oblique and graceful manner. Learn and apply the laws of courtiership and there will be no limit to how far you can rise in the court.

Law 25

Re-Create Yourself

Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define if for you. Incorporate dramatic devices into your public gestures and actions – your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life.

Law 26

Keep Your Hands Clean

You must seem a paragon of civility and efficiency: Your hands are never soiled by mistakes and nasty deeds. Maintain such a spotless appearance by using others as scapegoats and cat’s-paws to disguise your involvement.

Law 27

Play on People’s Need to Believe to Create a Cultlike Following

People have an overwhelming desire to believe in something. Become the focal point of such desire by offering them a cause, a new faith to follow. Keep your words vague but full of promise; emphasize enthusiasm over rationality and clear thinking. Give your new disciples rituals to perform, ask them to make sacrifices on your behalf. In the absence of organized religion and grand causes, your new belief system will bring you untold power.

Law 28

Enter Action with Boldness

If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it. Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution. Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter with boldness. Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honors the timid.

Law 29

Plan All the Way to the End

The ending is everything. Plan all the way to it, taking into account all the possible consequences, obstacles, and twists of fortune that might reverse your hard work and give the glory to others. By planning to the end you will not be overwhelmed by circumstances and you will know when to stop. Gently guide fortune and help determine the future by thinking far ahead.

Law 30

Make your Accomplishments Seem Effortless

Your actions must seem natural and executed with ease. All the toil and practice that go into them, and also all the clever tricks, must be concealed. When you act, act effortlessly, as if you could do much more. Avoid the temptation of revealing how hard you work – it only raises questions. Teach no one your tricks or they will be used against you.

Law 31

Control the Options: Get Others to Play with the Cards you Deal

The best deceptions are the ones that seem to give the other person a choice: Your victims feel they are in control, but are actually your puppets. Give people options that come out in your favor whichever one they choose. Force them to make choices between the lesser of two evils, both of which serve your purpose. Put them on the horns of a dilemma: They are gored wherever they turn.

Law 32

Play to People’s Fantasies

The truth is often avoided because it is ugly and unpleasant. Never appeal to truth and reality unless you are prepared for the anger that comes for disenchantment. Life is so harsh and distressing that people who can manufacture romance or conjure up fantasy are like oases in the desert: Everyone flocks to them. There is great power in tapping into the fantasies of the masses.

Law 33

Discover Each Man’s Thumbscrew

Everyone has a weakness, a gap in the castle wall. That weakness is usual y an insecurity, an uncontrollable emotion or need; it can also be a small secret pleasure. Either way, once found, it is a thumbscrew you can turn to your advantage.

Law 34

Be Royal in your Own Fashion: Act like a King to be treated like one

The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated; In the long run, appearing vulgar or common will make people disrespect you. For a king respects himself and inspires the same sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown.

Law 35

Master the Art of Timing

Never seem to be in a hurry – hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself, and over time. Always seem patient, as if you know that everything will come to you eventually. Become a detective of the right moment; sniff out the spirit of the times, the trends that will carry you to power. Learn to stand back when the time is not yet ripe, and to strike fiercely when it has reached fruition.

Law 36

Disdain Things you cannot have: Ignoring them is the best Revenge

By acknowledging a petty problem you give it existence and credibility. The more attention you pay an enemy, the stronger you make him; and a small mistake is often made worse and more visible when you try to fix it. It is sometimes best to leave things alone. If there is something you want but cannot have, show contempt for it. The less interest you reveal, the more superior you seem.

Law 37

Create Compelling Spectacles

Striking imagery and grand symbolic gestures create the aura of power – everyone responds to them. Stage spectacles for those around you, then full of arresting visuals and radiant symbols that heighten your presence. Dazzled by appearances, no one will notice what you are really doing.

Law 38

Think as you like but Behave like others

If you make a show of going against the times, flaunting your unconventional ideas and unorthodox ways, people will think that you only want attention and that you look down upon them. They will find a way to punish you for making them feel inferior. It is far safer to blend in and nurture the common touch. Share your originality only with tolerant friends and those who are sure to appreciate your uniqueness.

Law 39

Stir up Waters to Catch Fish

Anger and emotion are strategically counterproductive. You must always stay calm and objective. But if you can make your enemies angry while staying calm yourself, you gain a decided advantage. Put your enemies off-balance: Find the chink in their vanity through which you can rattle them and you hold the strings.

Law 40

Despise the Free Lunch

What is offered for free is dangerous – it usually involves either a trick or a hidden obligation. What has worth is worth paying for. By paying your own way you stay clear of gratitude, guilt, and deceit. It is also often wise to pay the full price – there is no cutting corners with excellence. Be lavish with your money and keep it circulating, for generosity is a sign and a magnet for power.

Law 41

Avoid Stepping into a Great Man’s Shoes

What happens first always appears better and more original than what comes after. If you succeed a great man or have a famous parent, you will have to accomplish double their achievements to outshine them. Do not get lost in their shadow, or stuck in a past not of your own making: Establish your own name and identity by changing course. Slay the overbearing father, disparage his legacy, and gain power by shining in your own way.

Law 42

Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep will Scatter

Trouble can often be traced to a single strong individual – the stirrer, the arrogant underling, the poisoned of goodwill. If you allow such people room to operate, others will succumb to their influence. Do not wait for the troubles they cause to multiply, do not try to negotiate with them – they are irredeemable. Neutralize their influence by isolating or banishing them. Strike at the source of the trouble and the sheep will scatter.

Law 43

Work on the Hearts and Minds of Others

Coercion creates a reaction that will eventually work against you. You must seduce others into wanting to move in your direction. A person you have seduced becomes your loyal pawn. And the way to seduce others is to operate on their individual psychologies and weaknesses. Soften up the resistant by working on their emotions, playing on what they hold dear and what they fear. Ignore the hearts and minds of others and they will grow to hate you.

Law 44

Disarm and Infuriate with the Mirror Effect

The mirror reflects reality, but it is also the perfect tool for deception: When you mirror your enemies, doing exactly as they do, they cannot figure out your strategy. The Mirror Effect mocks and humiliates them, making them overreact. By holding up a mirror to their psyches, you seduce them with the illusion that you share their values; by holding up a mirror to their actions, you teach them a lesson. Few can resist the power of Mirror Effect.

Law 45

Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform too much at Once

Everyone understands the need for change in the abstract, but on the day-to-day level people are creatures of habit. Too much innovation is traumatic, and will lead to revolt. If you are new to a position of power, or an outsider trying to build a power base, make a show of respecting the old way of doing things. If change is necessary, make it feel like a gentle improvement on the past.

Law 46

Never appear too Perfect

Appearing better than others is always dangerous, but most dangerous of all is to appear to have no faults or weaknesses. Envy creates silent enemies. It is smart to occasionally display defects, and admit to harmless vices, in order to deflect envy and appear more human and approachable. Only gods and the dead can seem perfect with impunity.

Law 47

Do not go Past the Mark you Aimed for; In Victory, Learn when to Stop

The moment of victory is often the moment of greatest peril. In the heat of victory, arrogance and overconfidence can push you past the goal you had aimed for, and by going too far, you make more enemies than you defeat. Do not allow success to go to your head. There is no substitute for strategy and careful planning. Set a goal, and when you reach it, stop.

Law 48

Assume Formlessness

By taking a shape, by having a visible plan, you open yourself to attack. Instead of taking a form for your enemy to grasp, keep yourself adaptable and on the move. Accept the fact that nothing is certain and no law is fixed. The best way to protect yourself is to be as fluid and formless as water; never bet on stability or lasting order. Everything changes.

What is REALLY up with people these days!?!?

So it's been a minute and a few things have taken place. I had a super lucky streak a couple of weeks ago. Started with a phone race with me and my partner in crime, which ended with me winning a pair of Steve Harvey tix. WOOHOOO! The next day, I get a call from the station and I'm thinking "oh, I must've won the GRAND prize...to go backstage with Steve"...nope....incorrect. I won the Dewmocracy Sweepstakes they had been running on the website for a few weeks. I entered like 2 days in a row ( you could do it daily), and I won a new Dell Laptop. I was excited and then I was like "oh snap...I just won something yesterday, they not gonna let me get both"...incorrect again. Me, being the honest person that I am, called back up there to talk to homegirl and before I get my confession out, she stops me and says that she already knows that I won via phone yesterday and that it was all good. She makes the final call on things like this and because one was a call-in win and the other was a sweepstakes, I was good. STR8!!!....BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT I go in to get my tix b4 she goes away for a few days and NO tickets are there. I'm like wtf??! Here goes the drama. I fill out my paperwork and find out that Pepsi will be contacting me via phone (oh great...now I have to answer all the telemarketers calls JUST IN CASE it's Pepsi). Well luckily they didn't call my house, they actually called my cell phone and they called on that next day..the Friday while I was at work. Got everything squared away (although they had my Email address WRONG, my name spelled WRONG, and my zip code WRONG). I chose a pink laptop. That is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO not me. But I figured white would get dirty and tore up in no time and blue...well that's a lil too boy-ish for my taste. So pink it is. This has to be the end of my "lucky streak". Guess what? WRONG AGAIN! I get a call from Mr. (Solomon) Wise @ 7:19pm on Friday. I am out..chillin with Jigga and Mom Dukes in the front yard and I get a call on my cell phone from a Restricted #. Immediately my guard goes up...like okay..here goes some b***h who thinks I want her man and he probably lying saying he single and I don't even want him off jump ( BEEN THERE!! DONE THAT!!!) so I am ready to POUNCE!! Then I think, nah it's my cousin, last time she called her # was showing RESTRICTED and she told me it would because she got a # change and what not. So I answer and to my surprise, it is Mr Wise. I'm thrown SOOOOOOOOOOO off guard...like what is REALLYYYYYYYYY good. I have no words. I have all of a minute and 30 seconds to say whateva and I can't get nothin out but "what are you working on now!!???" HAHAHAH...so many things come to mind NOW and probably 5 seconds after the hang up. But I didn't seem like a stuttering confused groupie either. I did hold a conversation. It's like getting a call from the guy at the club that you thought was SOOOOOOOOO fine and he asked for ur #. Then he finally calls and u with your girlfriends chillin...u just excited but have NOT A SINGLE TOPIC TO SPEAK ON. :-) It started my weekend out right. Now I gotta wait a couple of weeks for the laptop to arrive. SIDE NOTE: I'm so sick of people asking me if I want to sell it. HELLLLLLLLLLLO??? Why would I sell a BRAND, NEW FREE LAPTOP..times not that damn hard. I might sell my old one..but not the new joint. Come on now!!!

Now....moving along to closer days. So I been chillin really. Work just been hectic and crazy for various reasons. WOW....health scares, thefts, attitudes, stupid *ish*. Hey, that's the BL for you. Real life soap opera. But outside of work, I just been grindin'. I haven't been clubbin'. That's typical for me this time of year. I ain't really mad about it. As long as I still do my one outting a month thing, then I'm good. I went to the movies a couple of weekends ago and house sat for my brotha. That was a fun and relaxing weekend I must say. A break from the norm. Got away from the house for a night. Me and Jigga just packed up and dipped. We both were worn the heck out though.

I've realized that for more individuals..it's time to change their 'status' in my life. Dead weights who aren't going anywhere. Like tryna get a $1 out of 15 cents. If it ain't there, it ain't there. They know it and I know it...okay, maybe they don't know it. But I do. The nice guy (well girl) routine I TRIED to implement in `08, just isn't working in some cases. I can at least say I tried. I don't have the patience for some of this stuff. Never will. I got that from my daddy. LOL I'm ready for a change. A big change...some know what I mean and others probably don't even have a clue. The question is...who do I take with me for this big change in my life!?!? That is still up to the jury and the biggest judge of all to decide (and I am not referring to myself).

The World Around Me...

So right now I'm bored out of my mind. Being bored leads to me doing one of several things:

1) Cleaning up
2) Being online
3) Sleeping (which I rarely do)
4) Being creative
5) Blogging because my mind is working overtime


Well today I have now done 4 of the 5. #4 has yet to kick in, but the night isn't over. Maybe I'll make some graphics or something a bit later. But right now, I'm here to speak on a few things going on in my head right about now. Where do I start though!?! Maybe my lack of loving V-A right now. I am in such a serious need of a vacation. A real one. Not this bullshit I've taken this week. I was off 3 out of the 5 work days and I didn't do anything in the form of entertainment. Wasted time!?!? Not really, can't say I got rest either because regardless of if I work or not, I wake up mad early. I did, however, sleep a bulk of the day on the 4th. I slept from around 5pm to 10 pm. Then I was up til 3 a.m. Saturday morning and woke up again at 7 a.m. How NOT surprising of me and my sleeping habits. So a vacation, one that requires leaving the area code would be some serious therapy right now. I did go to Kings Dominion last weekend, but that was a joke in itself. Way too hot and way too many people. I arrived at 11 a.m. and was back home by 3 p.m. I did run into one of my exes that I haven't seen since we were together and haven't talked to in a minute. It was good seeing him. Maybe we'll get back in touch (and no I don't mean in the hopes of a reunion in the form of a relationship)..unlike most, I am still friends with 95% of my exes. Weird..I know...but that's because most of my relationships have been mutually ended or have ended on a positive note. So that reunion was definitely a shock, since he lives in NC.

This weekend is the weekend that I was asked to take a trip of sorts with a certain someone. HAHAHAHAAH Another joke. I can only imagine the drama that would await my arrival on that one. If not that, the drama that would follow once I returned back to VA. I'll pass. And to tell me about the situation a friend had going on on this very same trip that is OHHHH so similar to the b.s. going on with this person, cracks me up. This whole scenerio is getting old. Time to fess up to what I Know....but I have to do it right and at the right moment to get the best ending effect. Everytime I think about the time and efforts made for this person and to know that a bulk of this time was built around lies...it makes me ill.

I think I need to start back writing on a regular. It seems to help me cope with alot of things that I am going through, dealing with, or feeling at that time. My next subject will be that based on a relationship with a certain guy who has been in my life for a longgggggggggggggg time. There has been breaks in between but we've always seemed to find one another again someway and somehow. This last break was very long and I thought maybe this was it, but it wasn't. Recently he opened up to me and told me some very deep stuff and then felt bad about telling me, thinking it would change things. Well unlike alot of immature and ignorant people, I tend to grow closer to someone who can open up and let me into their inner most feelings and thoughts. I myself am not that open, but when I feel close enough to someone that I feel the need and/or desire to spill my heart out to them, it says ALOT. Too many times has this been taken for granted. I always say the truth hurts, but it's the right thing to do. The saying that it's better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who you aren't...is beyond true. I've come to realize that alot of people are quick to tell you that they will always be there for you and all this, because it's something conditioned into people's heads to say...but when the chips fall down, we all see that there are very few genuine people who truly stick around through thick and thin. I value those friends who have stuck by me through some of my most TRYING times. Times that many of my close friends still weren't allowed in on, not because I didn't trust them, but because it really didn't deal with anything that I felt they could help me with. It kinda makes no sense looking from the outside, but it makes alot of sense from the inside.

I also need to re-think this whole super OPEN MINDED TOYA phase. It's really not what it's cracked up to be and it's way harder than I thought. I am really breaking down some of my own desires and wants and I think I'm allowing myself to 'settle' once again for things that in the long run, aren't going to work out because I know deep down, it's not something for me. Some things...maybe...but others...no way! Might as well face the facts.

So I feel an insomnia night coming on...it's all these thoughts running through my head like freight trains. Thoughts like "I'm hungry", "Why is Jigga so scared of flies now!!?!?", "What am I gonna do tomorrow?" ,"Do I REALLY want to get a new car??", "Why do people say they wanna hang out and then when you offer...NOTHING", "why did I sign up for 4 free voicemail #s"? LOL And why have I been watching "Animal Cops" constantly for like a week now??? Just random thoughts...running through my head!! It's gonna be a long night...and I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow...but until then...it's a wrap on this entry!!!

Throwback poem I wrote

How I Feel (Part 1)

I could say "I Love You"
But that wouldn't do
Because to just say that;
It wouldn't be completely true

I value you more
Than I value my own life
And someday in the future
I hope to be your wife

I wait patiently for the day
That you and I get together
From that day I will be there
To care for you forever

Everyday it's the same dream
Of being held tightly in your arms
Because of the way you are
With all your wit and charm

When we get together
It's gonna be great, you see
Because I know God will be with us
Watching over you and me

The feelings I have for you
Boy, you couldn't possibly know
But it seems as time passes on
These feelings tend to grow

I wish I knew a way to show you
That these feelings are for real
I mean what would I lie for
Come on, you know the deal

Of course, we'd have some problems
But there'd only be a few
Because I would do my best
To only satisfy you

I've tried other relationships
But making them work was too hard
It was like starting with a full deck
And choosing all the wrong cards

With u it would be different
Because for our roles, we'll play the parts
In my new deck, you'll be my King of Spades
And me your Queen of Hearts