What is REALLY up with people these days!?!?

So it's been a minute and a few things have taken place. I had a super lucky streak a couple of weeks ago. Started with a phone race with me and my partner in crime, which ended with me winning a pair of Steve Harvey tix. WOOHOOO! The next day, I get a call from the station and I'm thinking "oh, I must've won the GRAND prize...to go backstage with Steve"...nope....incorrect. I won the Dewmocracy Sweepstakes they had been running on the website for a few weeks. I entered like 2 days in a row ( you could do it daily), and I won a new Dell Laptop. I was excited and then I was like "oh snap...I just won something yesterday, they not gonna let me get both"...incorrect again. Me, being the honest person that I am, called back up there to talk to homegirl and before I get my confession out, she stops me and says that she already knows that I won via phone yesterday and that it was all good. She makes the final call on things like this and because one was a call-in win and the other was a sweepstakes, I was good. STR8!!!....BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT I go in to get my tix b4 she goes away for a few days and NO tickets are there. I'm like wtf??! Here goes the drama. I fill out my paperwork and find out that Pepsi will be contacting me via phone (oh great...now I have to answer all the telemarketers calls JUST IN CASE it's Pepsi). Well luckily they didn't call my house, they actually called my cell phone and they called on that next day..the Friday while I was at work. Got everything squared away (although they had my Email address WRONG, my name spelled WRONG, and my zip code WRONG). I chose a pink laptop. That is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO not me. But I figured white would get dirty and tore up in no time and blue...well that's a lil too boy-ish for my taste. So pink it is. This has to be the end of my "lucky streak". Guess what? WRONG AGAIN! I get a call from Mr. (Solomon) Wise @ 7:19pm on Friday. I am out..chillin with Jigga and Mom Dukes in the front yard and I get a call on my cell phone from a Restricted #. Immediately my guard goes up...like okay..here goes some b***h who thinks I want her man and he probably lying saying he single and I don't even want him off jump ( BEEN THERE!! DONE THAT!!!) so I am ready to POUNCE!! Then I think, nah it's my cousin, last time she called her # was showing RESTRICTED and she told me it would because she got a # change and what not. So I answer and to my surprise, it is Mr Wise. I'm thrown SOOOOOOOOOOO off guard...like what is REALLYYYYYYYYY good. I have no words. I have all of a minute and 30 seconds to say whateva and I can't get nothin out but "what are you working on now!!???" HAHAHAH...so many things come to mind NOW and probably 5 seconds after the hang up. But I didn't seem like a stuttering confused groupie either. I did hold a conversation. It's like getting a call from the guy at the club that you thought was SOOOOOOOOO fine and he asked for ur #. Then he finally calls and u with your girlfriends chillin...u just excited but have NOT A SINGLE TOPIC TO SPEAK ON. :-) It started my weekend out right. Now I gotta wait a couple of weeks for the laptop to arrive. SIDE NOTE: I'm so sick of people asking me if I want to sell it. HELLLLLLLLLLLO??? Why would I sell a BRAND, NEW FREE LAPTOP..times not that damn hard. I might sell my old one..but not the new joint. Come on now!!!

Now....moving along to closer days. So I been chillin really. Work just been hectic and crazy for various reasons. WOW....health scares, thefts, attitudes, stupid *ish*. Hey, that's the BL for you. Real life soap opera. But outside of work, I just been grindin'. I haven't been clubbin'. That's typical for me this time of year. I ain't really mad about it. As long as I still do my one outting a month thing, then I'm good. I went to the movies a couple of weekends ago and house sat for my brotha. That was a fun and relaxing weekend I must say. A break from the norm. Got away from the house for a night. Me and Jigga just packed up and dipped. We both were worn the heck out though.

I've realized that for more individuals..it's time to change their 'status' in my life. Dead weights who aren't going anywhere. Like tryna get a $1 out of 15 cents. If it ain't there, it ain't there. They know it and I know it...okay, maybe they don't know it. But I do. The nice guy (well girl) routine I TRIED to implement in `08, just isn't working in some cases. I can at least say I tried. I don't have the patience for some of this stuff. Never will. I got that from my daddy. LOL I'm ready for a change. A big change...some know what I mean and others probably don't even have a clue. The question is...who do I take with me for this big change in my life!?!? That is still up to the jury and the biggest judge of all to decide (and I am not referring to myself).

The World Around Me...

So right now I'm bored out of my mind. Being bored leads to me doing one of several things:

1) Cleaning up
2) Being online
3) Sleeping (which I rarely do)
4) Being creative
5) Blogging because my mind is working overtime


Well today I have now done 4 of the 5. #4 has yet to kick in, but the night isn't over. Maybe I'll make some graphics or something a bit later. But right now, I'm here to speak on a few things going on in my head right about now. Where do I start though!?! Maybe my lack of loving V-A right now. I am in such a serious need of a vacation. A real one. Not this bullshit I've taken this week. I was off 3 out of the 5 work days and I didn't do anything in the form of entertainment. Wasted time!?!? Not really, can't say I got rest either because regardless of if I work or not, I wake up mad early. I did, however, sleep a bulk of the day on the 4th. I slept from around 5pm to 10 pm. Then I was up til 3 a.m. Saturday morning and woke up again at 7 a.m. How NOT surprising of me and my sleeping habits. So a vacation, one that requires leaving the area code would be some serious therapy right now. I did go to Kings Dominion last weekend, but that was a joke in itself. Way too hot and way too many people. I arrived at 11 a.m. and was back home by 3 p.m. I did run into one of my exes that I haven't seen since we were together and haven't talked to in a minute. It was good seeing him. Maybe we'll get back in touch (and no I don't mean in the hopes of a reunion in the form of a relationship)..unlike most, I am still friends with 95% of my exes. Weird..I know...but that's because most of my relationships have been mutually ended or have ended on a positive note. So that reunion was definitely a shock, since he lives in NC.

This weekend is the weekend that I was asked to take a trip of sorts with a certain someone. HAHAHAHAAH Another joke. I can only imagine the drama that would await my arrival on that one. If not that, the drama that would follow once I returned back to VA. I'll pass. And to tell me about the situation a friend had going on on this very same trip that is OHHHH so similar to the b.s. going on with this person, cracks me up. This whole scenerio is getting old. Time to fess up to what I Know....but I have to do it right and at the right moment to get the best ending effect. Everytime I think about the time and efforts made for this person and to know that a bulk of this time was built around lies...it makes me ill.

I think I need to start back writing on a regular. It seems to help me cope with alot of things that I am going through, dealing with, or feeling at that time. My next subject will be that based on a relationship with a certain guy who has been in my life for a longgggggggggggggg time. There has been breaks in between but we've always seemed to find one another again someway and somehow. This last break was very long and I thought maybe this was it, but it wasn't. Recently he opened up to me and told me some very deep stuff and then felt bad about telling me, thinking it would change things. Well unlike alot of immature and ignorant people, I tend to grow closer to someone who can open up and let me into their inner most feelings and thoughts. I myself am not that open, but when I feel close enough to someone that I feel the need and/or desire to spill my heart out to them, it says ALOT. Too many times has this been taken for granted. I always say the truth hurts, but it's the right thing to do. The saying that it's better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who you aren't...is beyond true. I've come to realize that alot of people are quick to tell you that they will always be there for you and all this, because it's something conditioned into people's heads to say...but when the chips fall down, we all see that there are very few genuine people who truly stick around through thick and thin. I value those friends who have stuck by me through some of my most TRYING times. Times that many of my close friends still weren't allowed in on, not because I didn't trust them, but because it really didn't deal with anything that I felt they could help me with. It kinda makes no sense looking from the outside, but it makes alot of sense from the inside.

I also need to re-think this whole super OPEN MINDED TOYA phase. It's really not what it's cracked up to be and it's way harder than I thought. I am really breaking down some of my own desires and wants and I think I'm allowing myself to 'settle' once again for things that in the long run, aren't going to work out because I know deep down, it's not something for me. Some things...maybe...but others...no way! Might as well face the facts.

So I feel an insomnia night coming on...it's all these thoughts running through my head like freight trains. Thoughts like "I'm hungry", "Why is Jigga so scared of flies now!!?!?", "What am I gonna do tomorrow?" ,"Do I REALLY want to get a new car??", "Why do people say they wanna hang out and then when you offer...NOTHING", "why did I sign up for 4 free voicemail #s"? LOL And why have I been watching "Animal Cops" constantly for like a week now??? Just random thoughts...running through my head!! It's gonna be a long night...and I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow...but until then...it's a wrap on this entry!!!

Throwback poem I wrote

How I Feel (Part 1)

I could say "I Love You"
But that wouldn't do
Because to just say that;
It wouldn't be completely true

I value you more
Than I value my own life
And someday in the future
I hope to be your wife

I wait patiently for the day
That you and I get together
From that day I will be there
To care for you forever

Everyday it's the same dream
Of being held tightly in your arms
Because of the way you are
With all your wit and charm

When we get together
It's gonna be great, you see
Because I know God will be with us
Watching over you and me

The feelings I have for you
Boy, you couldn't possibly know
But it seems as time passes on
These feelings tend to grow

I wish I knew a way to show you
That these feelings are for real
I mean what would I lie for
Come on, you know the deal

Of course, we'd have some problems
But there'd only be a few
Because I would do my best
To only satisfy you

I've tried other relationships
But making them work was too hard
It was like starting with a full deck
And choosing all the wrong cards

With u it would be different
Because for our roles, we'll play the parts
In my new deck, you'll be my King of Spades
And me your Queen of Hearts

Damn I hate it when she does that................

I got so much on my mind right now. So it'll be one of those super vague ass posts. Yea...I'm even cursing here and there. But it is what it is. See it's like this. I haven't made a post in awhile. Mainly because it hasn't been too much going on in my life that's different. Same ol same ol...and no need in wasting my time typing that up. With that being said...where do I start on this one. Well...typical Toya story...but I have reunited with yet another of my friends from the past. This one way different from the other. See I am sooooooooooo glad he found me and sooooooooo glad he didn't lose hope in trying to link back up with me. Why!?!? Because, we go wayyyyyyyyyyyyy back. And unlike the other situation....it's not a bunch of bullshit and drama involved. Yea, alot has changed in both our lives....but that's my boo right there....aka "my baby daddy". So just in case you reading this.....I am truly grateful to have you back around and this time....no losing touch. I don't care if you gotta send smoke signals. :-)

On to the other situation......HA! What a joke! He still thinks I'm slow and naive and don't know what's really good over there. KNEE GROW please. You messing with the wrong one. I know the REAL DEAL...and I'ma keep letting you think you stringing me along. NO doubt...you have been one of my best friends and you have helped me out of alot of tough times..but you are also one of the worst 'moments' in my life. No doubt..our situation has been like a drug habit. I keep going back and every time the bullshit and side effects are worse. But I think I've grown in the past year and I now know how unhealthy you are for me. So we'll still have our minimal conversation....but that Pickett Fence, a dog, 2.5 kids shit went out the door the day my Spy Kit (LOL) turned up the evidence.

What else....well I been enjoying life for the most part. I had a very down moment last week. I think it was due to the crappy weather. Clouds and rain. Made me think way into things that I generally don't dwell on or think about. It's crazy. I'm alot better now...thanks to a couple of friends that I can truly open up to...and even if I don't go way into the story....they know how to bring my head back above water. I appreciate you guys more than my non-emotional ass will ever show.

I will say this though...I'm tired of people being inconsiderate of my efforts, time, and sacrifice. SERIOUSLY...this is becoming a problem. Now I will let things slide a couple of times....cuz yea...things happen and *ish* comes up. But what you will not do is constantly take advantage of me. I'm a good person to have on your side and on your team........so when I'm done....I'm REALLY done.....and ain't shit I can do or will do for you once you have gone over the line. Yea I can be harsh...cuz I like things to be timely and by the book....but showing come consideration is SOOOOOOOOOO easy these days....text message, call, email something. I don't know about the next man...but I don't have time to be wasting. Weekends are MY time...don't waste MY time. If you say you gonna do something..then damn DO IT!! If you can't or won't...then let somebody know. DAMN THAT SHIT PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!!!

And on that note...im mad. .....and I'm out!!!!

I know........but do they know

So it's been like a month. I don't realllly remember what I said in the last blog and I don't feel like going back and then finishing this up. Soooooooooooo with that said, off the dome, let's see....Since that last time, I have had a reaction to some medicine which led to Hives. The only good part about it is..my nurse was a male...whom I've been dying to have be my nurse cuz he's kinda cute. HAHAHA! I've also had 2 bladder infections...and my headache issue is starting to come back ever so slowly. Go figure. I did get a promotion @ work. Pretty much...I'm as high as I wanna go..for now!! My job duties haven't changed persay. I can't seem to get rid of the pesky duties that I truly want to rid myself of though.

Jigga (aka my child) has been getting meaner and meaner. Probably my fault...but that's all good. He must've been super depressed when I went out of town earlier this month because he was fine when I first got home, but the next day..he wouldn't eat. Wouldn't walk...just slept. It was insane. He had an attitude for the longest. I guess now I'm stuck taking him with me whenever I go out of town.

I haven't been doing much this month...chillin, spendin' time with the fam. April will be a busy month. Got alot planned and tentatively scheduled. We'll see how much actually goes according to plan. I know one thing, I have like 11 vacation days already and not 1 day planned off yet. I will NOT let it go to waste. Believe that.

Let's see...what else went down this month?? I reunited with a very close friend. :-) I became closer to an already established friend. I grew apart from a few others. So I guess everything balanced out. LOL I decided to start working out a lil bit...well more like a lot of bit. I lost 9 lbs in 6 days. I'm definitely focused and motivating MYSELF for the most part. I got a few outfits I need to fit like they used to. LOL They fit..but ummm..things don't fall into place like that have in the past.

I think that about does it for today's entry. If anything else comes to mind. I'll come add it back when I come back to add my smilies. LOL

2008....something's gotta give

So 2008 is starting out pretty good when it comes to drama. Bare minimum with that. HOWEVER, I been sick....like 3 times and it's not even March yet. This shit not cool. I've called out twice from work in less than a month. Again...not me. I've called out TWICE in 3 years prior to this crap. I ain't feeling this weather. 75 one day, then 2 days later we barely hitting mid 30's. It's crazy.

Besides being sick, 2008 has started with alot of the changes I said I'd make or try to make. I haven't really had much bored/downtime. But last year started out this exact same way. I had a great night out for my bday (besides the usual no shows and cancellations). I still had a ball. All those who really DOWN with me like that came through and we had a ball like always. I've actually been the movies twice. I think I went twice last year. LOL Sad right!?!? (it was more like 5 times..but still...that's not cool). Got plans to pretty much do something every weekend for the next month or so, and it feels GOOD. I decided to rearrange some thoughts and PEOPLE in my circle and it seems to be working out just fine. I'm actually driving on one of my voyages. What a shock!! All my peoples know I hate driving...but i'ma step it up and go ahead and push the whip and have a passenger for once. LOL That's gonna be one for the books. Atlantic City trip in April. Another story waiting to be told.

Still not really talking to **HIM**. I have my reasons for being short and sweet. Hmmmph

On another more serious note, I have a friend that has been lying to me about something VERY important for like 7 years now. This subject has come up in conversation SOOOOOOOOO many times, and I always get the same answer or same kinda answer. No matter how you look at it, the answers I get...are and were lies. The first time it came up, I blew up and was like okay I gotta walk out of this 'friendship' cause why would you keep this on the hush?!?!?! I'm always honest and open about my life and happenings, so why would you not reciprocate and give me the same courtesy. I have very few people I consider FRIENDS and this person is definitely TOP 5. So anyways, recently, me being the investigator that I am dig some digging and lo and behold, what I thought to be...really is/was. Have I mentioned to this person that I know the truth....NO. Am I going to....in due time. Right now, I am just waiting on the right time to bring it up. When is the right time though? In talking to a male friend of mine (who is NOT TOP 5..lol), he's like if it doesn't matter and won't change you being friends with this person, then why bring it up?!?!?! Why, because of the principal of the whole thing. Hidden truths are very close to lies when it comes to certain things. And as I told this friend from day one, no matter what, I will always consider you one of my best friends. Unless you do some shiesty ish TO me or mine....then it's whatever. This person has been there for me when nobody else was or could be. I'm not a very open person when it comes to things that I am going through, but I've always been able to rely on this individual at the lowest of times. I have always been honest about things, even when it probably didn't seem appropriate or right. So why be honest with me and tell me all other things and leave out this one MAJOR important thing!?!? When I've said to you, now is the time to be up front about any and everything.....it is what it is...just let me know. NOPE..same ol sob story. So okay....I give the benefit of the doubt...EVERYTIME because I know other people can stretch and exaggerate things and twist up information to make them win or look good. But nope..the proof is in the pudding.....and I'm just like wow! Why do people lie about stuff that they don't have to lie about?? Why lie when either way the cookie crumbles, it's all gravy??? I don't understand and I probably never will....but eventually I'll get sick of holding my newly acquired knowlege in and will let this person know that I've known for a few months now, that I know the REAL deal and it hurts to know that they couldn't be true enough to our relationship/friendship to just admit to it.

Oh well...I feel like crap..so enough blabbing for today. Time to lay back and wait on this stupid azz bad weather to creep up. It can be bad like that fa real...and I'll be at the house tomorrow. I have to prepare for my card party which is on Sat anywayz!!

Until next time...I'm out...Phukkkkaaazzz!!!

Join This! Join That!

Okay, time to finally start writing about SOMETHING. I decided today to discuss the 1000 things I have been hoodwinked into joining and/or signing up for in the last month or so. I rejoined Crush Spot. Its aight. A bit childish I must say, but hey..whatever. I checked back on my Xanga. Nothing happening over there. Everybody is on their blogspot tip these days. I'm diggin' it. I joined WAYN...that has to be the dumbest site ever. Fubar...it is okay, but its full of ugly old men who are perverted and have no kinda respect. I check it every now again. They have some neat, creative perks, but its alot of crazies on there. LOL. Hoverspot is pretty cool. I can tell it hasn't been around long because it doesn't seem to have TOO many people on there. The good think about it is that you earn points for getting people to join and other things you do on the site, these points in turn earn you the change to win prizes like IPODS. Yuwie is a networking site in which you earn MONEY for posting blogs, sending emails, updating your layout, leaving comments, rating others pages, etc. It's okay. You just have to get used to it.


The coolest and freshest I joined was That's Hip Hop. This site is really new. It gives Hip Hop/music news, info, rumors, etc. But it's also a networking site. If you join, use referral code 5666. :-)


Anywayz...I also signed up for a bunch of research panels and survey sites that pay you cash and prizes. Once I get the pay off, I'll holla back on if its worth joining those or not. :-) 

Might as well use it

So I created this blog(spot) like ages ago, back when I was sick of Xanga and the drama over there. I never used it though. Figured I'd start now. Might as well right!!?!? It's free. It's an outlet. Right now, it's also kinda HOT on the streets. LOL So here I am. I'll find something to report on and hit this up later. :-)

Come holla!



NOTE: All posts prior to this one were made on my Xanga. They have been moved to have them all here in one location!


~* 1 luv *~

You Should've Been Yourself

This is an ORIGINAL poem written by moi. It better stay that way:


It's time to bring some attention
To an issue that I see a little too often
When individuals aren't true or real
Fake and phony til they're lying in coffins

See I've run into quite of few of you
Recently many more than I care to admit
Through long conversations filled with lies
I've had to force myself to sit

You thought you were running game
That I was stupid enough to believe
You had me under your little spell
And that from you I'd never leave

I let you keep telling those tall tales
And keep spitting out those fibs
I let you think you meant the world to me
With my goodies you had first dibs

But guess what, my friend, you got it twisted
I'm not as stupid as you may think
I've been stringing you along just as long
To see how long it would take for you to sink

It took a little longer then expected
But it happened nonetheless
When your stories got paperthin
And you couldn't pass my test

See I knew you couldn't keep up with the questions
And things just didn't add up right
If only you had stepped it up a notch
And kept all your stories tight

I wish it didn't have to come to this
And that your falsehood I didn't have to expose
But I'm getting tired of playing along in this wack game
It's getting kinda of old and everybody knows

I let you think I was falling for it
And I let you think that I was actually that weak
That you made me blush and had me open
Every time that I heard you speak

You thought I felt you were the one for me
I held my heart out to only you
That if I didn't have you in my life
I would not know what to do

Like my life was centered around you
And that you were the only ONE
That you made my life complete
And that if I had you with me, I was done

I'm sorry to have to set things straight this way
But your whole persona just wasn't legit
Yet you wonder why I never gave you my heart;
Cuz I knew you wasn't worth sh**!

2007 Wrap Up...a lil bit early

So it's already November, and I'm looking back at 2007 and I'm really not liking it.  Things in my life were starting to really come together and look up in 2006.  That was one of the best years I've had...prior to 1997 when my life was turned upside down...over and over and over again.   Those very close to me know what started the drama in that year...now 10 years later....it's almost as bad. Not quite as bad, but very close to it.  I did have a couple of good months then...but oh no..this year....my year started out terrible.   Once again, life altering news/events took place.  I had to be reminded and remind myself that God only gives you as much as you can handle and I know everything happens for a reason.  I've truly learned alot about myself this year and alot of other people close to me.  I learned that certain individuals that I didn't think cared, really and truly do.   I learned that I have some really greats friends. I also learned that a few people that I considered my friends....yall ain't shit.  You know who you are!!!  You sit here saying how things will be the same or won't change or you will be there for someone...and the next minute you are all of a sudden missing in action, unavailable, and can not be contacted.  It's all good though.  Believe me, it's people like YOU that I do NOT need in my life.   

LOCATION....I'm moving...again..it's been almost 2 years..that I've sat still.  SHOCKING!!!!  I'm glad to be moving though...for SOOOO many reasons.  For one, certain people can't find me unless I want to be found.   Sick of apartment living....I'm about ready to bust up a few neighbors.  And of course, Jigga needs a yard. 

THOUGHTS...So as 2008 approaches, I'm gonna change my mindset a little.  I'ma start looking out for me. Stop putting myself out there for the benefit of others.  Apparently I value them more than they value me.  If you not fam or those FEW close friends, that know I have their back, then for real, for real....don't EXPECT alot out of me next year.  I can't depend on you...then don't TRY to depend on me.  I know I'm a good person, and in the end, I will be rewarded for that.  I don't want anything from anybody.  It's not the common person that I have to answer to. 

WORK....works been good in 07...that I can say.  Alot of drama went down at the job place, but that happens.  I did get a promotion and some more paper.  Thank god for that.   I also got a new part time and will probably get another one.   What can I say!?!? I'ma workaholic and I love money....and im super independent. So I do what I have to do to get MYSELF what I want. I don't want to ask or need to ask anyone for ANYTHING.  I want to do things for myself.

RELATIONSHIPS....there were a few guys that had potential in `07. I never expressed it really, but it was there.  As the year draws to a close and I've kinda dealt with them a bit....I dunno.  I don't think I'm on the same level with any of them right now.  I like to say I'm 'not looking'...because I hate that term 'looking'...like you are just son the hunt and seeking out something. I'ma 'whatever happens happens' kinda person.  But nothings gonna happen when everybody on some "I'm not trying to get in a relationship right now" kinda mode.  I was there most of the year myself....but I'm knocking on 29's door...and it reallllyyy doesn't look like a child before 30 is truly in my future.

HIM......same ol bullshit.  Still taking it day by day.  It definitely is what it is.  Not really sure what's really going on right now as it's been a minute. I hope everything is okay, but I've pretty much realized.....it's never gonna be that fate/fairy tale that we always said it was.

LIFE....I did slow up on the going out toward the middle of `07.  I had the best birthday EVER this year.  THANKS TO MY GIRLZ!!!!   It's gonna be hard to top it, but I'ma damn sure try.  I'm trying to stay busy and that is something that will definitely carry on to `08.

So as the end of 07 draws closer, I realize that it's been a trying and learning year.  I've lost a few SO-CALLED friends along the way, but better sooner than later.  I'ma still be me.  I'ma be even MORE honest next year, so I'll probably lose a few more along the way, but it's all good.  I don't need them in my corner anywayz. DEAD WEIGHT!!!   2007 has educated me ALOT on ALOT of things.  I just hope 2008 is better.