Damn I hate it when she does that................

I got so much on my mind right now. So it'll be one of those super vague ass posts. Yea...I'm even cursing here and there. But it is what it is. See it's like this. I haven't made a post in awhile. Mainly because it hasn't been too much going on in my life that's different. Same ol same ol...and no need in wasting my time typing that up. With that being said...where do I start on this one. Well...typical Toya story...but I have reunited with yet another of my friends from the past. This one way different from the other. See I am sooooooooooo glad he found me and sooooooooo glad he didn't lose hope in trying to link back up with me. Why!?!? Because, we go wayyyyyyyyyyyyy back. And unlike the other situation....it's not a bunch of bullshit and drama involved. Yea, alot has changed in both our lives....but that's my boo right there....aka "my baby daddy". So just in case you reading this.....I am truly grateful to have you back around and this time....no losing touch. I don't care if you gotta send smoke signals. :-)

On to the other situation......HA! What a joke! He still thinks I'm slow and naive and don't know what's really good over there. KNEE GROW please. You messing with the wrong one. I know the REAL DEAL...and I'ma keep letting you think you stringing me along. NO doubt...you have been one of my best friends and you have helped me out of alot of tough times..but you are also one of the worst 'moments' in my life. No doubt..our situation has been like a drug habit. I keep going back and every time the bullshit and side effects are worse. But I think I've grown in the past year and I now know how unhealthy you are for me. So we'll still have our minimal conversation....but that Pickett Fence, a dog, 2.5 kids shit went out the door the day my Spy Kit (LOL) turned up the evidence.

What else....well I been enjoying life for the most part. I had a very down moment last week. I think it was due to the crappy weather. Clouds and rain. Made me think way into things that I generally don't dwell on or think about. It's crazy. I'm alot better now...thanks to a couple of friends that I can truly open up to...and even if I don't go way into the story....they know how to bring my head back above water. I appreciate you guys more than my non-emotional ass will ever show.

I will say this though...I'm tired of people being inconsiderate of my efforts, time, and sacrifice. SERIOUSLY...this is becoming a problem. Now I will let things slide a couple of times....cuz yea...things happen and *ish* comes up. But what you will not do is constantly take advantage of me. I'm a good person to have on your side and on your team........so when I'm done....I'm REALLY done.....and ain't shit I can do or will do for you once you have gone over the line. Yea I can be harsh...cuz I like things to be timely and by the book....but showing come consideration is SOOOOOOOOOO easy these days....text message, call, email something. I don't know about the next man...but I don't have time to be wasting. Weekends are MY time...don't waste MY time. If you say you gonna do something..then damn DO IT!! If you can't or won't...then let somebody know. DAMN THAT SHIT PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!!!

And on that note...im mad. .....and I'm out!!!!

I know........but do they know

So it's been like a month. I don't realllly remember what I said in the last blog and I don't feel like going back and then finishing this up. Soooooooooooo with that said, off the dome, let's see....Since that last time, I have had a reaction to some medicine which led to Hives. The only good part about it is..my nurse was a male...whom I've been dying to have be my nurse cuz he's kinda cute. HAHAHA! I've also had 2 bladder infections...and my headache issue is starting to come back ever so slowly. Go figure. I did get a promotion @ work. Pretty much...I'm as high as I wanna go..for now!! My job duties haven't changed persay. I can't seem to get rid of the pesky duties that I truly want to rid myself of though.

Jigga (aka my child) has been getting meaner and meaner. Probably my fault...but that's all good. He must've been super depressed when I went out of town earlier this month because he was fine when I first got home, but the next day..he wouldn't eat. Wouldn't walk...just slept. It was insane. He had an attitude for the longest. I guess now I'm stuck taking him with me whenever I go out of town.

I haven't been doing much this month...chillin, spendin' time with the fam. April will be a busy month. Got alot planned and tentatively scheduled. We'll see how much actually goes according to plan. I know one thing, I have like 11 vacation days already and not 1 day planned off yet. I will NOT let it go to waste. Believe that.

Let's see...what else went down this month?? I reunited with a very close friend. :-) I became closer to an already established friend. I grew apart from a few others. So I guess everything balanced out. LOL I decided to start working out a lil bit...well more like a lot of bit. I lost 9 lbs in 6 days. I'm definitely focused and motivating MYSELF for the most part. I got a few outfits I need to fit like they used to. LOL They fit..but ummm..things don't fall into place like that have in the past.

I think that about does it for today's entry. If anything else comes to mind. I'll come add it back when I come back to add my smilies. LOL

2008....something's gotta give

So 2008 is starting out pretty good when it comes to drama. Bare minimum with that. HOWEVER, I been sick....like 3 times and it's not even March yet. This shit not cool. I've called out twice from work in less than a month. Again...not me. I've called out TWICE in 3 years prior to this crap. I ain't feeling this weather. 75 one day, then 2 days later we barely hitting mid 30's. It's crazy.

Besides being sick, 2008 has started with alot of the changes I said I'd make or try to make. I haven't really had much bored/downtime. But last year started out this exact same way. I had a great night out for my bday (besides the usual no shows and cancellations). I still had a ball. All those who really DOWN with me like that came through and we had a ball like always. I've actually been the movies twice. I think I went twice last year. LOL Sad right!?!? (it was more like 5 times..but still...that's not cool). Got plans to pretty much do something every weekend for the next month or so, and it feels GOOD. I decided to rearrange some thoughts and PEOPLE in my circle and it seems to be working out just fine. I'm actually driving on one of my voyages. What a shock!! All my peoples know I hate driving...but i'ma step it up and go ahead and push the whip and have a passenger for once. LOL That's gonna be one for the books. Atlantic City trip in April. Another story waiting to be told.

Still not really talking to **HIM**. I have my reasons for being short and sweet. Hmmmph

On another more serious note, I have a friend that has been lying to me about something VERY important for like 7 years now. This subject has come up in conversation SOOOOOOOOO many times, and I always get the same answer or same kinda answer. No matter how you look at it, the answers I get...are and were lies. The first time it came up, I blew up and was like okay I gotta walk out of this 'friendship' cause why would you keep this on the hush?!?!?! I'm always honest and open about my life and happenings, so why would you not reciprocate and give me the same courtesy. I have very few people I consider FRIENDS and this person is definitely TOP 5. So anyways, recently, me being the investigator that I am dig some digging and lo and behold, what I thought to be...really is/was. Have I mentioned to this person that I know the truth....NO. Am I going to....in due time. Right now, I am just waiting on the right time to bring it up. When is the right time though? In talking to a male friend of mine (who is NOT TOP 5..lol), he's like if it doesn't matter and won't change you being friends with this person, then why bring it up?!?!?! Why, because of the principal of the whole thing. Hidden truths are very close to lies when it comes to certain things. And as I told this friend from day one, no matter what, I will always consider you one of my best friends. Unless you do some shiesty ish TO me or mine....then it's whatever. This person has been there for me when nobody else was or could be. I'm not a very open person when it comes to things that I am going through, but I've always been able to rely on this individual at the lowest of times. I have always been honest about things, even when it probably didn't seem appropriate or right. So why be honest with me and tell me all other things and leave out this one MAJOR important thing!?!? When I've said to you, now is the time to be up front about any and everything.....it is what it is...just let me know. NOPE..same ol sob story. So okay....I give the benefit of the doubt...EVERYTIME because I know other people can stretch and exaggerate things and twist up information to make them win or look good. But nope..the proof is in the pudding.....and I'm just like wow! Why do people lie about stuff that they don't have to lie about?? Why lie when either way the cookie crumbles, it's all gravy??? I don't understand and I probably never will....but eventually I'll get sick of holding my newly acquired knowlege in and will let this person know that I've known for a few months now, that I know the REAL deal and it hurts to know that they couldn't be true enough to our relationship/friendship to just admit to it.

Oh well...I feel like crap..so enough blabbing for today. Time to lay back and wait on this stupid azz bad weather to creep up. It can be bad like that fa real...and I'll be at the house tomorrow. I have to prepare for my card party which is on Sat anywayz!!

Until next time...I'm out...Phukkkkaaazzz!!!

Join This! Join That!

Okay, time to finally start writing about SOMETHING. I decided today to discuss the 1000 things I have been hoodwinked into joining and/or signing up for in the last month or so. I rejoined Crush Spot. Its aight. A bit childish I must say, but hey..whatever. I checked back on my Xanga. Nothing happening over there. Everybody is on their blogspot tip these days. I'm diggin' it. I joined WAYN...that has to be the dumbest site ever. Fubar...it is okay, but its full of ugly old men who are perverted and have no kinda respect. I check it every now again. They have some neat, creative perks, but its alot of crazies on there. LOL. Hoverspot is pretty cool. I can tell it hasn't been around long because it doesn't seem to have TOO many people on there. The good think about it is that you earn points for getting people to join and other things you do on the site, these points in turn earn you the change to win prizes like IPODS. Yuwie is a networking site in which you earn MONEY for posting blogs, sending emails, updating your layout, leaving comments, rating others pages, etc. It's okay. You just have to get used to it.


The coolest and freshest I joined was That's Hip Hop. This site is really new. It gives Hip Hop/music news, info, rumors, etc. But it's also a networking site. If you join, use referral code 5666. :-)


Anywayz...I also signed up for a bunch of research panels and survey sites that pay you cash and prizes. Once I get the pay off, I'll holla back on if its worth joining those or not. :-) 

Might as well use it

So I created this blog(spot) like ages ago, back when I was sick of Xanga and the drama over there. I never used it though. Figured I'd start now. Might as well right!!?!? It's free. It's an outlet. Right now, it's also kinda HOT on the streets. LOL So here I am. I'll find something to report on and hit this up later. :-)

Come holla!



NOTE: All posts prior to this one were made on my Xanga. They have been moved to have them all here in one location!


~* 1 luv *~

You Should've Been Yourself

This is an ORIGINAL poem written by moi. It better stay that way:


It's time to bring some attention
To an issue that I see a little too often
When individuals aren't true or real
Fake and phony til they're lying in coffins

See I've run into quite of few of you
Recently many more than I care to admit
Through long conversations filled with lies
I've had to force myself to sit

You thought you were running game
That I was stupid enough to believe
You had me under your little spell
And that from you I'd never leave

I let you keep telling those tall tales
And keep spitting out those fibs
I let you think you meant the world to me
With my goodies you had first dibs

But guess what, my friend, you got it twisted
I'm not as stupid as you may think
I've been stringing you along just as long
To see how long it would take for you to sink

It took a little longer then expected
But it happened nonetheless
When your stories got paperthin
And you couldn't pass my test

See I knew you couldn't keep up with the questions
And things just didn't add up right
If only you had stepped it up a notch
And kept all your stories tight

I wish it didn't have to come to this
And that your falsehood I didn't have to expose
But I'm getting tired of playing along in this wack game
It's getting kinda of old and everybody knows

I let you think I was falling for it
And I let you think that I was actually that weak
That you made me blush and had me open
Every time that I heard you speak

You thought I felt you were the one for me
I held my heart out to only you
That if I didn't have you in my life
I would not know what to do

Like my life was centered around you
And that you were the only ONE
That you made my life complete
And that if I had you with me, I was done

I'm sorry to have to set things straight this way
But your whole persona just wasn't legit
Yet you wonder why I never gave you my heart;
Cuz I knew you wasn't worth sh**!

2007 Wrap Up...a lil bit early

So it's already November, and I'm looking back at 2007 and I'm really not liking it.  Things in my life were starting to really come together and look up in 2006.  That was one of the best years I've had...prior to 1997 when my life was turned upside down...over and over and over again.   Those very close to me know what started the drama in that year...now 10 years later....it's almost as bad. Not quite as bad, but very close to it.  I did have a couple of good months then...but oh no..this year....my year started out terrible.   Once again, life altering news/events took place.  I had to be reminded and remind myself that God only gives you as much as you can handle and I know everything happens for a reason.  I've truly learned alot about myself this year and alot of other people close to me.  I learned that certain individuals that I didn't think cared, really and truly do.   I learned that I have some really greats friends. I also learned that a few people that I considered my friends....yall ain't shit.  You know who you are!!!  You sit here saying how things will be the same or won't change or you will be there for someone...and the next minute you are all of a sudden missing in action, unavailable, and can not be contacted.  It's all good though.  Believe me, it's people like YOU that I do NOT need in my life.   

LOCATION....I'm moving...again..it's been almost 2 years..that I've sat still.  SHOCKING!!!!  I'm glad to be moving though...for SOOOO many reasons.  For one, certain people can't find me unless I want to be found.   Sick of apartment living....I'm about ready to bust up a few neighbors.  And of course, Jigga needs a yard. 

THOUGHTS...So as 2008 approaches, I'm gonna change my mindset a little.  I'ma start looking out for me. Stop putting myself out there for the benefit of others.  Apparently I value them more than they value me.  If you not fam or those FEW close friends, that know I have their back, then for real, for real....don't EXPECT alot out of me next year.  I can't depend on you...then don't TRY to depend on me.  I know I'm a good person, and in the end, I will be rewarded for that.  I don't want anything from anybody.  It's not the common person that I have to answer to. 

WORK....works been good in 07...that I can say.  Alot of drama went down at the job place, but that happens.  I did get a promotion and some more paper.  Thank god for that.   I also got a new part time and will probably get another one.   What can I say!?!? I'ma workaholic and I love money....and im super independent. So I do what I have to do to get MYSELF what I want. I don't want to ask or need to ask anyone for ANYTHING.  I want to do things for myself.

RELATIONSHIPS....there were a few guys that had potential in `07. I never expressed it really, but it was there.  As the year draws to a close and I've kinda dealt with them a bit....I dunno.  I don't think I'm on the same level with any of them right now.  I like to say I'm 'not looking'...because I hate that term 'looking'...like you are just son the hunt and seeking out something. I'ma 'whatever happens happens' kinda person.  But nothings gonna happen when everybody on some "I'm not trying to get in a relationship right now" kinda mode.  I was there most of the year myself....but I'm knocking on 29's door...and it reallllyyy doesn't look like a child before 30 is truly in my future.

HIM......same ol bullshit.  Still taking it day by day.  It definitely is what it is.  Not really sure what's really going on right now as it's been a minute. I hope everything is okay, but I've pretty much realized.....it's never gonna be that fate/fairy tale that we always said it was.

LIFE....I did slow up on the going out toward the middle of `07.  I had the best birthday EVER this year.  THANKS TO MY GIRLZ!!!!   It's gonna be hard to top it, but I'ma damn sure try.  I'm trying to stay busy and that is something that will definitely carry on to `08.

So as the end of 07 draws closer, I realize that it's been a trying and learning year.  I've lost a few SO-CALLED friends along the way, but better sooner than later.  I'ma still be me.  I'ma be even MORE honest next year, so I'll probably lose a few more along the way, but it's all good.  I don't need them in my corner anywayz. DEAD WEIGHT!!!   2007 has educated me ALOT on ALOT of things.  I just hope 2008 is better.    

Even the strongest person on earth has weaknesses

 Why is it that there is that one person or maybe more than one, that no matter how they have wronged you or hurt you, you still will break down and do anything for them!?!?  I am not talking about family. I mean friend or someone 'close to you'.  I personally am a pretty stern person. I can't be phony to save my life. I have little tolerance for stupid sh*t and I don't have the patience for it. However, there have been situations in the past year or so dealing with other individuals that if it were me on the outside looking in, I'd tell 'me' to forget these individuals and go on with life. Instead, for some strange reason, I still feel the same as I did from jump and would give anything to assist or help out these certain people. There is really only 2 individuals specifically that I am referring to.  I don't know what it is.  Stupidity? Love? Respect?        It's SOMETHING!!!  I just can't figure it out.   

New Thoughts

Thought for today:   Letting go of the past, will make for a much better future.

   No more waiting around for people to grow up and come to their senses.  Waiting around for people to appreciate me and the things I've said and done for them.  My life has changed, but it's not over.   To all those who have caused me pain/hurt or THOUGHT that you did....you are forgiven but best believe those wrong doings are not forgotten.  I still know that being honest is the best way and I will continue to be honest when it counts.  Lies feed on lies...and I don't have the time or patience to keep up with lies.   I still keep other people before me....and I look out for others..even when they don't look out for me....so letting go of the past...is something I will do.    Some people will come around and others won't. To those that don't....it's been real.  You'll need me before I need you.   Best believe!!!! 

I don't have time for it..

Pet Peeves -- I don't have time for it...
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Life



There are certain things that people who know me know I just can't stand. Nobody should. Things that I don't know why people do them. For instance, lying is a big issue with me anywayz...but why do people lie when there is nothing to gain from the lie. I can see lying to get out of doing something or to gain something...but to just tell lie after lie just to hear yourself talk. I can't stand that s**t. I swear more and more I been dealing with that.

Next....being inconsiderate. People must not think that other people's time, money, or efforts are of value to them. I know mine is, so don't waste my time. If you know something has changed, will change, etc....let me know. Don't have me missing out, waiting around, etc because you don't have the decency or the common sense to hit me up to say something. Yea I might be a bit upset because things changed...but I gotta respect the fact that I have been given ADVANCE notice of the change. But best believe, if I gotta deal with drama or I could've done something else with my time, money, or efforts but I was basing my actions on something you said you were gonna do or need...and then you don't come through on your end.....IM GOING TO BE HEATED!!!! Especially when you KNOW I hate the s**t. It's not funny..it's not a game. Don't waste my time or yours...seriously. I have things to do or that I can do instead of waiting around for dead weight.

Playing games in general. Please don't think I'm stupid, because I am not. Even when you athink I'm falling for it...I'm NOT! I'm a step ahead of you and probably beating you at your own game. BELIEVE THAT!

There are a few other things I can't stand...slow drivers, people who don't signal....but these 3 things have been going on in `07 kinda strong and felt I had to speak on it.

To those few of you who do not do these things or have NOT done these things. THANKS!!! That's why I keep you around!